I have three sons, but this is about the 14 and 16 year old. The 14 y/o recently started talking regularly to a 15 y/o that’s in the same school functions that he’s apart of. The trouble started a week ago when he was grounded for messing up big time. As part of his punishment I also took his cell phone. I discovered a couple of days ago that my older son has now been communicating with the same girl and had planned to go to the movies with her this afternoon. I pretty sure they originally started talking as a way for the te younger son to keep in touch with the girl.
Now none of my sons have been in a serious relationship. They both have has their share of crushes and girls calling. However I’ve been pretty clear that they shouldn’t be thinking about serious dating. But this situation still made me very uncomfortable. I remember something similar back I High School where my younger brother and I had a liking for the same girl and it wasn’t pretty.
Last night I vetoed the movies and told the older brother to come clean with the younger. I also said that if I caught wind of the situation causing a riff between them that the next step I made would be to contact the girl’s mother. Now I’m not so sure if I should havew gotten involved. I didn’t have a Dad around to keep me from making these kinds of mistakes. What do you guys think? Would you have said something?
Really? Even the 16 year old? Seems to me that 16 is more than old enough to date, and 14 is ready for “beginners” dating (ie, “group” dates, school dances, etc.)
As far as them liking the same girl, as long as they don’t lie to each other about it, I’d let them work it out themselves. This seems to me as something a parent should be around as a sounding board and to give advice, but making rules about it is going too far.
Given that it is unlikely that either of your sons will end up marrying the girl, and that they will be brothers for the rest of their lives, you were right to get involved.
You’re a dad. Sometimes a dad has to do some things that seem messed up from a kid’s perspective in order to keep the peace.
But this isn’t a discipline situation or a punishment situation, or a taking sides situation. This is one of those messy-ass things where you gotta sit down and try to explain about feelings and male competition. This is where you have to draw the distinction between trying to win at football or XBox and this.
And you also have to remember that the girl is an individual, not an object, who has her own say in who she dates and why.
What would I do? Well, I’m not a dad, but if I were, I’d sit the two of them down together with you and talk it all out- at least to the point where each brother will understand the other’s motivations and can then act as an individual without your further involvement.
Someone is likely to get hurt here. You don’t want to be the one doing the hurting, because it’s not your mess and it’s not your decision to make when all is said and done. BUT you do want to do your fatherly duty, which is to explain to everybody the likelihood of the hurting and how good it would be if all or most or some of that hurt could be avoided.
Good luck, dude.
I don’t much care about school dances or the like, and movies and group dates are fine. I’d just rather they not get serious about a single girl until they’re like 17 or so. These aren’t rules by the way, just guidelines. I’d rather they put more energy in finding out who they are and what they want to do before being someone’s boyfriend.
Its all part of the dance. Your boys have to learn heartbreak at some point, and its not going to be fun for you either. Good luck with this challenge, I hope everything works out OK! Sounds like you have good control on the situation though. Your boys are lucky to have a caring father.
I agree completely. What seems to have happened, between the two brothers, has the potential to poison their relationship for years. Your response seems to have made it clear that while you’re not eager for either of them to be dating, yet, your main concern, now, is that your older son is cutting in while pretending to help his younger brother make time with that girl.
The potential for this to get ugly and remain a festering sore is just too high to be ignored. I think you handled it with class and wisdom. Whatever the girl ends up choosing is beyond your control. Making sure that your sons are honest with each other, to best of your ability is not.
I’m not qualified to judge the rights and wrongs about your dating policies, and I don’t have a strong opinion on it, either way.
I guess I’d just find it a little…weird if my mom or dad tried to butt in on my dating life. Although I don’t have a sister who I’m competing with for guys. I’ve just always been intensely private, particularly about my love life, so I just really wouldn’t appreciate a parent trying to give me advice in that sphere.
I think you’re doing too much, Dad. If you want to make rules for your sons regarding when they can start dating, that’s your own prerogative. Sitting the older boy down and having a stern talking to him about stealing his kid brother’s girls is also a good idea.
But making rules trying to prevent the boys from damaging their relationship is probably more likely to backfire than solve anything. And a couple of brothers in the same age range are probably going to have this problem at some point. They’ll get over it.
Sorry, it was just a lame remark about how** Stuffy **is kind of trying to guide his two son’s dating interests, the next radical leap would be to start collaborating with other parents to pick out their brides.
He said so… but he also said he vetoed the movie date (and it felt like it was for reasons of protecting his younger son, rather than their age…) and was considering contacting the girl’s mother. Seems like he’s trying to enforce a rule there.
Then again, I could be totally off base, here. If so, I apologize.
I vetoed the movie yesterday, I haven’t banned either of them from seeing or talking to the girl. If he should want to go today or at some point in the future is up to him. What I said to the older was that I’d like him to talk to the younger about what’s going on if he’s planning to start dating her. As far as talking to the girls mother, well that’s just my feelings that the girl may in fact be manipulating the situation for thrills. Then again she may not be be. Like I said I planned to pay attention and act accordingly.
I have two teenage sons the same ages, 14 and 16. We haven’t come across this situation yet, but I do know that they are VERY competitive with each other. Nothing I’ve ever done or said has ever changed that, so I’ve given up and now I try to let them work things about between them. I won’t always be there to referee, and there’ll be other men they’ll have situations with… of course, if things get violent I’ll intervene, but mostly I just let them handle it. They also will come across coy, manipulative women in their lives, so if this girl is one, that’ll also be a learning experience.
So Stuffy asks a guy (without swearing) to stop crapping on his thread and he gets reprimanded but the guy who is crapping on the thread is a-okay because he made a backhanded half-assed attempt to apologize?
Back on topic, sorry.
Let them talk it out but keep an eye on it. Without getting too involved watch to see if the girl is pushing buttons to either see a show or get the best of both worlds. Teenage girls are a interesting animal these days.
I just kind of dealt with this situation. My oldest son was seeing my second oldest daughters friend for a while. And when my son went away for the weekend this girl was all over his best friend who feels like he and my son are brothers and the boy actually asked the girl what the heck she thought she was doing because that’s messed up to try to mess around on him with his brother.
In that situation we have the added bonus of fun that my teenagers are in the same age range to date each others friends. So much fun. I have more drama around here that I don’t even bother watching soaps.
I got to miss that episode because I was in Missouri at a youth workers conference learning how to deal and work with teenagers.
Around here group dates are cool at 14 but no dating dating until 16. As in no dinner and movies or partys as a couple until after 16.