I don’t know what good may come from writing this thread, but this has been burdening me for a while so I figured it might be worthwhile to share some of it.
I plan to graduate from college this coming May and afterwards I’m going back to S. Korea to fulfill the duties of every Korean male, by serving in the military for 2+ years. My dad works for the government so it goes double for me. I’ve come to terms with that fact mostly as something unavoidable and maybe motivated by this fact, I have developed some interest in military topics (guns, ships, WWII and so on) anyway. But the problem is that I’ve been dating an American girl for a bit over 3 years now. She graduated last December and found a very good job and starts next week. I think we both know to some degree that this relationship has a deadline, though we never explicitly talk about it. Neither of us know what we really want. A part of me wants to stay with her forever but we’ve always known that we were never perfect for each other and a great deal of what keeps us together is just comfort and convenience. Soon both those things are going to be gone and with it much of the reasons to stay together. If one of us was moving to the next state over or something we’d most likely stay together, but I’m moving to the other side of the world and going to be in a situation where communication will be minimal.
So I see the end with her as something almost inevitable. I know with some degree of certainty that she’ll be fine without me. She’s taking it all pretty well actually. I was always the clingy one. Probably better off without me in some ways, as I’ve come to realize early in the relationship that I was an emotionally abusive/manipulative piece of shit.
I wouldn’t propose to her because I don’t know if I want that and I know she doesn’t want that now.
All this is probably just a part of growing up and may sound trivial or juvenile to some of you, but that doesn’t make it that much easier. As someone that’s battled with depression for much of ‘adult’ life, I just hope this doesn’t become debilitating. It’s not really an option right now.
I don’t know if there’s anything more to say but some advice would be appreciated.
You seem to have it mostly figured out already. You’re probably not right for each other, and it seems like the 2 years (or more?) that you’ll be spending in the military will probably be a good experience for you.
Just stay safe. There’s a reason Korea has a mandatory military service rule, and it’s because the Korean military has a serious and necessary job to do, with real consequences. I agree that you will probably come out of the experience with more understanding and maturity.
It’s natural to want to keep things the way they are. Change is always scary, but everyone has to let go of things in their life in order to move forward. This girl seems to have changed you for the better, or at least helped you understand more about yourself. All you can do now is take the life lessons with you, and move on. It seems like she understands this too. I know it’s not easy. Breaking up a bad relationship is so much easier than leaving a good one.
Oh, and take it easy on yourself. Blaming yourself for stuff can lead to pitying yourself, and nobody likes a pitiful person. If you see something about yourself that you’d like to change, change it-but keep it to yourself. The only thing worse than being a manipulative and abusive prick is to recognize and acknowledge that you’re an abusive, manipulative prick but keep doing it anyway. Never feel sorry for yourself. If you feel a bout of self-pity coming on, channel it into something else, like getting motivated to make something better. Lots of people will tell say “you can’t help how you feel,” but they’re wrong.
Ultimately it’s one of those situations where, if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.
It may take some work. Emails, phone calls when you can. A lot of work. But if she’s ready for it and you’re ready for it, 2 years isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things.
Just be prepared for her to say she’s not ready for it. And it’s no shame if you don’t feel ready for it either.
Even if you don’t want to keep trying to communicate as girlfriend/boyfriend, try to keep in contact through letters/phone calls/emails every couple of months at least so you know how to get in touch with her. That way when you get back to the states, you could meet up for drinks/dinner and see if you want to get back together. Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. But it’s worth keeping in mind.