My wife is being sexually harassed. Am I doing the right thing by doing nothing?

You could always reminder her she should be really proud of herself.

Sometimes when you’re staring down your own demons it helps to have someone remind you that you have something to be righteously proud of, regardless of how things shake out.

Which can prove to be very helpful if things don’t come out in a pleasing way at the end. It’s hard to really hear “you should be proud” when you’ve been freshly crushed by a bad outcome.

Of course we will be interested, I’ve been saying a strengthening prayer for her everyday since I first read this thread - and no end in sight!

How do you figure she’s being assaulted?

While it may be a crime, it’s not the kind of crime that will get police involvement. That’s not how it works. You want to take action? You get a lawyer and file suit against him (or the company). The cops would tell her the same thing.

Her fellow worker could be a witness in the lawsuit, but the cops wouldn’t respond to her/him, either. It’s not that kind of crime.

Your definition of “proud” is correct. You cannot be proud of another person. You can only be proud of yourself. You are pleased with her decision. And so am I!

Does she know about this thread?

I think that a neck/shoulder/ or foot rub is in order, or you should do some kind of a nice, pampering type thing for her. It’ll let her know that you are proud and on board, without giving you a chance to put your foot in your mouth.

The wife’s problem is that she doesn’t have a freaking spine or sense of self-worth. If she had either of those things, then she would feel more comfortable standing up for herself. Only a wimpy little person feels like he/she should be a doormat.

Right now she is trained to deal with abuse by accepting it. There is no good reason to allow that mentally to continue. It doesn’t matter if she says the OP’s help is not required – she obviously doesn’t know how to deal with abuse by herself in a healthy or appropiate manner. This is like taking an alcoholic’s word that she can deal with the problem by herself. No, she really can’t. She doesn’t know how, because she’s a freaking doormat.

Take her hand and run, not walk, to a therapist’s office, and find a councilor she feels comfortable with so she can work on repairing the underlying issue. Which is not the abuse at work, the underlying issue is: why does she feel like being a doormat?

The folks here who are advocating you do nothing at all are out of line. You do not stand idle while someone is being abused and can’t handle it on their own.

It saddens me that, in this world, being honest about your race can be considered a tactical error.

(not a slam on you or your wife, Skald. That’s aimed squarely at the dickless aryan.)

She’s young. I don’t think counseling is necessarily the answer. She needs life experience and she needs to grow into her own. This is undoubtedly frustrating for an older husband to watch, but we all come to know who we are and how to live individually. I think the fact that Skald didn’t automatically just elbow his way into the situation is acknowledgement of this.

And she’s also (having asked for and received ‘time to work out what she’ll do’) decided to make an official complaint to HR. That’s not ‘dealing with abuse by accepting it’ or ‘being a doormat’, which makes panda meat’s post inaccurate.

Skald’s actions (or inaction) and respect helped his wife make a more empowering decision for herself. Much better than telling her she ‘doesn’t have a freaking spine’ and needs professional help.

Small hijack: I think “I’m proud of you”, used in the not-literally-proud context in which most English speakers use it, is actually shorthand for a more complex feeling that involves pride, respect, admiration and maybe a few other emotions. It’s not necessarily a bad thing – at least I don’t feel bad for being proud of my sons, my wife and other people in my life who achieve and accomplish and so on. I admit, I can be as nitpicky as anyone else about using the English language, but I think this is on instance in which the common usage of a phrase has added more meaning than that which is strictly defined in a dictionary.

As I can’t decide whether I find panda meat’s or greatshake’s post more irksome (one is insulting and condescending, the other so silly it makes me wonder what comic-book-universe the poster is a refugee from) I am going to simply whistle.

Thanks.

I can only say what I mean by “I proud of you.” You’re free to mean whatever you wish, as that sick bastard Fabulous Creature has not yet unleashed his flying robot sharks to conquer the earth.

Nobody advocated that he do nothing at all. What we did say was that he shouldn’t charge in and take care of it himself (which he probably couldn’t do anyway), nor should he take the decision out of her hands. We advised him to support her and try to help her find the strength she needed to face the thing and deal with it. That would show her that he thought she was strong and capable. Isn’t that what you wanted?
And so far it seems to be working.

Or, the update I promised.

So my wife just called from work, or rather her car on her lunch break, filled with the healthiest reaction she’s had to all of this: pure, unblinking rage.

You see, she had her meeting with HR yesterday, and the HR guy met with the Dickless Wonder afterwards. And today they BOTH (allegedly) got written up, though she is sure the DW’s write-up is just for show.

Why, you ask? Well, DW for the obvious reasons. My wife, though, was given a fucking written warning by these miserable dog-sucking, pig-fucking, shit-spewing, corpse-raping bastards for two reasons. One is having pornography on company property, i.e., the magazines and DVDs put on her desk presumably by the DW. No one ever complained, and it clearly was not her doing, but hey! she admitted to having it! And she’s married to a black guy, so she probably finds that kind of thing arousing anyway! And it’s against company policy, so why not write her up?

The other reason for her being written up is that she did not immediately report the harassment. You see, according to the bastards, anyone who witnesses sexual harassment and does not immediately report it to management --INCUDING THE VICTIM-- is complicit in it, because by not immediately assisting management in shutting it down they are exposing the company to liability. Thus if a woman in her early 20s is reduced to fucking tears by a fucking male supervisor who is six inches taller and fifty pounds heavier and twenty years older and thinks the fact that he’s related to the owner means that he’s entitled to vent his racist misogynistic bullshit by making crude comments and looming over her until she breaks down, but this woman needs time, for her own reasons, to work up the nerve to defend herself, that woman is also guilty of endangering the company. Thus she has been told that any further “misdeeds” she commits may result in her employment being re-evaluated.

Oh, when she asked what punishment DW was getting–would he be required to stay away from her, apologize toher, et cetera–she was told that she needn’t concern herself with it, because disciplinary matters are confidential. She should just remember to behave HERSELF, because it’s very hard to find jobs these days and she needs to be sure that she has a good reference if she ever does.

So I’m pissed. You probably got that. But not only am I pissed, I am stunned by the colossal stupidity of the HR person, who has just given her WRITTEN EVIDENCE OF THREATENED RETALIATION. The utter, utter stupidity of what he’s done is breathtaking. I mean, ye gods, if you’re going to be an evil fuck, at least do it INTELLIGENTLY!!!

Miserable bastard. Stupid, game-playing, pig-fucking son of a whore.

Okay, I’m calmer now.

Anywhistle…Mrs. R. was, as I said, livid with very healthy rage. Before I could even ask her if she wanted advice, she told me she’d taken a deep breath, not reacted to the HR bastard, made sure his signature was on the memo, and walked away and made copies as soon as she had a chance. Later we’re going to decide whether she should sue or simply walk away from the bastards. Also, I should add that she is also angry with someone I am not. That is, she’s mad at herself. Because she sees that they overplayed their hand so because they think she’s a doormat, that she’s spineless, that she’s going tobe a scared little girl. She is determined to show them that she’s not.

And that’s all there is for now.

Outrageous. Not to sound like the second-Year law student who just had her final class in Employment Discrimination that I am, but your wife may have a lawsuit for Retaliation against her employers.

She should speak with a lawyer and file a complaint with the EEOC as soon as possible.

The link below gives an overview of the law:

How to file with the EEOC

Please don’t just let it go. This is such complete fucking bullshit that I’M seeing red…

Nuke 'em from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

Seriously, whatever the “nuclear option” is for this sort of thing, I urge you to employ it. And keep us updated, of course.

Already knew the latter site, but thanks both for the former and for the sentiment.

I’m sorry that this is the level of bullshit you and she are dealing with. On the other hand, so much better to have gone through official channels and reported it this way, rather than the anonymous note to the wife route, etc—this way, she has some recourse.

I agree with those who are begging her not to let this go.

ETA: I was sexually harassed by someone at my previous job. I am a grown woman and the experience still left me floundering for the right course of action. Maybe he’d stop if I ignored it, maybe I was making too big a deal out of it, etc. I would spend my lunch hours in my car crying, too. I know how difficult it is to go through the reporting process and the questioning and having to repeat over and over again the awful things someone has said to you. But I’m not sorry that I reported the guy. I am only sorry I waited as long as I did.

Wow.

This is my first post to the thread, but I have been keeping up with it regularly and cheering for Mrs. Skald from the sidelines. Good on her for standing up for herself and going to HR. Good on you, Skald, for supporting her without pressuring her.

I am not usually someone whose first thought is to get a lawyer, but I truly believe that it is the ONLY appropriate course of action here. Mrs. Skald and the Asshole both learned something today. . . she is expected to act like a doormat and he can get away with whatever he wants. So the only thing she CAN do is to take legal action. Otherwise she is going to be miserable and abused at this job until they decide to fire her.

Give hell, Skald. And please keep us updated.

Edited to add: Where are y’all located? I have a friend who is a lawyer specializing in employment discrimintation.

I don’t see how she was able to walk out of there without screaming “Aw HELL naw, mothafuckas!” and then burning the joint down.

Thus why I gave the example in my initial response, and I apologize it had slipped my mind that the receiver of the harrassment may also find themselves disciplined - in the company I had worked for, it had to be reported immediately per the handbook signed by the employee at the time of orientation. HOWEVER, there was an unspoken timeframe for a person to step forward (usually w/in 24-72 hrs). If this situation had been going on for weeks or months, the company will CTA (cover their ass) and make an example of her UNLESS she can prove that this guy threatened her or her job. Her mistake, scared or not, was not reporting this to the company HR immediately WITH the porn in tow to hand over. Dont be surprised if any witnessess named get written up as well… come to think of it, if she did name any witnessess and they did not get written up for not reporting the incident(s), I would think that would be a point or two in your wife’s favor. As for asking HR how they were going to discipline the guy - it’s true, it is not any of her business. I’m thinkin the only way to get ahold of that information (and making sure the guy got written up for having porn at work like your wife did) is through the legal system. Please do not think I am taking the company’s side on this issue - I am not.

I probably should have explained that HR is not the employee’s friend - far from it. They are there to protect the BUSINESS. Personally, I do not understand why they wrote her up IF she explained to HR and brought in the evidence (after documenting/ taking pictures of every article with the date) that she felt threatened to come forward before she had evidence of what was taking place because of WHO HE IS. If she admitted to HR that she did not tell him to stop and only avoided the man in hopes he would get bored and move on, this could also pose a problem. If they are acting on fear of being sued, I could see why they are including your wife in the disciplinary action (I’m not saying I personally agree with it), and they most likely consulted their company attorney with a copy of the formal write-up before presenting it to your wife.

Is what they did (the write-up) actually legal?
I really am sorry this all has happened to your wife.

I hope that man’s karma catches up to him sooner rather than later! :mad: