I really don’t want to go into much more detail than this thread. Suffice to say that my wife had been taking Wellbutrin religiously. Recently it’s stopped working and her doctor’s moved her to something new, which he warns will take a little while to begin working. We asked how long a little while would be, and were told “We’ll see. But do not miss next week’s appointment.”
Sorry for the lack of detail. this is a little hard for me to write about, because Kim just seems to be in such awful, awful pain and I don’t know how to help, and I worry that maybe I should have handled things like the sexual harassment incident from earlier this year better to spare her stress. Anyway, I was hoping for feedback from people who’ve suffered from depression, or their family members, on what I can do.
Unfortunately, I’m not sure that there’s much you can do to relieve the pain, no matter how much you want to.
Just listen if she wants to talk, and don’t take any crying fits or tantrums too personally. Do what you can to make sure she stays involved in the world - encourage her to get out of bed during the day, go out food shopping or some similarly simple chore when she feels somewhat calm (but don’t get upset if she can’t), call her family, and such. And be as patient as you can be.
It’s probably different for everyone. That said, when I’ve been in the depths of despair, I’ve found it most comforting when people close to me DON’T share my feelings, don’t get as upset as I am. It’s pretty counterintuitive.
Speaking as if I were in that despairing place, which Thank Og I’m not at the moment:
Depression of that kind is irrational and can’t be talked away; you can’t fix it for me and it hurts me to see you so frustrated in *trying *to fix it for me. It’s stupid and pointless anguish, and I don’t want to you be so empathetic that you feel it, too. The last thing I want is for anyone I care about to feel like they have to share my pain. I hate seeing the pain in your eyes when you worry about me. I already feel like a stain on the planet and knowing I’m responsible for you hurting makes it worse. You don’t have to pretend to be all happy or devil-may-care, but you don’t need to show me how much you care by letting me drag you down. If that makes sense.
Please don’t tell me it will all be better soon. I hope you’re right, and I know you probably are, but I can’t feel that it’s true just now.
I like it when you hold me and let me cry and pass me kleenex. If you offer to watch a funny movie with me (or take a walk in the woods or order my favorite food for home delivery, etc.) and I can do that, I like that. If you offer and I just can’t, and you don’t insist, I like that too. Please don’t ask me too many times what I’d like to do or how you can cheer me up, because at the moment everything sounds shitty. It’s a lot easier on me if you suggest something instead of making me think of something, especially something we can do that doesn’t involve me facing other people – staying home but bringing in something nice from the outside world is much more doable for me, if anything is.
Good advice upthread. Wellbutrin made my hair start to fall out…well before the cancer meds finished the job. I got changed over to Cymbalta which has done well, but as has been said, don’t take any weepiness or emotional outbursts too seriously. Little things become mountainous things. Things that in reality are minor irritations become worthy of being nuked from orbit. My husband who should be nominated for sainthood has learned to just give me some space and peace. This too shall pass.
Take as much responsibility for things around the house off of her shoulders as you possibly can. If she pays the bills, you take over for a while. Keep the house neat and clean. Offer to do the cooking, do the shopping, etc. Whatever burdens you can lift from her, the better she’ll feel. The cleaner her house is around her, the less she’ll feel overwhelmed by the prospect of having to clean it. Remove any known stressors that are in your power to control, like dealing with contractors or shuttling kids to daycare or soccer practice, that sort of thing.
Sending healing thoughts and best wishes your way.
Be aware of the physical symptoms that transitioning to a new drug can cause, and be patient with any dizziness, sleepiness, etc. that she experiences.
Coming back to emphasize something I left out above: remember it is not your fault. You may feel (wrongly, IMHO) guilty about stress surrounding the whole harassment thing, but trust me – that alone is not, and could not be, the cause of chronic clinical depression. Put another way: you don’t get to take credit for the depression. It creates itself.
You can give her the gift of not being freaked out, of not needing her reassurance that it isn’t your fault. Calm is good. Come here to freak out if you feel like it!
I find it very interesting that you say she takes her depression medication “religiously” and that her faith has been shattered now that it has stopped working. I personally take lithium every day to help manage my bipolar disorder, but I would never say that I have anything like a religious faith in the drug. I understand it to be a tool that is part of depression management (I mostly have problems with the depression end of things), but that it is not infallible and that I need other coping mechanisms as well. Unfortunately, if your wife stays on medication for a lifetime, she can realistically expect to go through this over and over again, as medications frequently fail (“Prozac poop-out”).
The other tools I use to cope are:
Regular visits with both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Some of depression can be helped by talking about it, and psychologists can also help provide coping skills for dealing effectively with depressing and anxiety-producing events. Studies show that patients who use medication in conjunction with talk therapy have the best outcomes. You could support her in making sure she finds and/or maintains a good therapeutic relationship, if this is not something she is doing now.
Dialectical-Behavioral Therapy. This was developed for people with borderline personality disorder, but it works really well for people with depression and anxiety as well. It is a set of coping mechanisms that helps a person with seemingly uncontrollable anxiety or emotional problems learn to get control and effectively deal with situations. If she can’t find or go to the groups (which I think take several months to complete), she can buy the books by Marsha Linehan at Borders or Amazon and learn about the techniques at home. Or you could get the books for her.
Unfortunately, I found that the best anybody could do for me was to help make sure that basic physical needs were met when I did not have the energy or ability to do it myself. To make her feel better internally, you can support her in the work she will have to do for herself by making sure she gets a therapist, the books, etc. But from what it sounds like, your wife could really use some tools to help her learn to manage her own moods, in addition to medication.
