My wife is exhibiting symptoms of mental illness (long, depressing)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

In addition to the advice to seek professional psychiatric help, for what it is worth, I think you should also consider talking with an attourney experienced in family and mental health law. While many forms of paranoid psychosis (which, in my totally non-professional opinion, this is) are completely treatable or at least manageable with pharmeucitical therapy, this requires cooperation on the part of the patient, which with someone who is in a dissociated psychotic state may be impossible. Even if you can get someone in such a state on an effective therapy, they may elect to discontinue the regime once relief is gained owing to the side effects of medication, resulting in relapse, and this may require forceable treatment or temporary committment. You may need good, sound, objective legal advice beyond what a psychiatrist can offer, especially in regard to marital, property, and child-rearing rights, and it would be best to get the foundation for that in place now before things get worse. There is no reasoning or using logic with someone in that situation, and while you clearly want to do what is best for her, you first need to protect yourself and especially your son.

With regard to your son, I think it best if you–or if you don’t feel comfortable or qualified to do so, a professional–explain that his mother is having some mental problems, that it’s not her fault, but that he can’t take everything she says as truthful. I say this from experience; I believe that my mother was an undiagnosesd paranoid schitzophrenic and I coped with her crazy alone for several years before it became apparent that there was nothing I could do about it or was doing to cause it.

Good luck to you.

Stranger

22

I appreciate all the replies. I don’t have time right now to respond to everything everyone has raised but it really feels good to know you guys are concerned, and some of you have been thru similar things before. I’m touched, truthfully.

I am in the Greater Boston Area so lorene and Shagnasty I might end up contacting you guys as you offered. I will certainly keep in touch on this board.

As far as what she might have the psychologist hasn’t put a name to it. He did tell us he believes depression is the root of her problem, he suspected Prozac or one of that class of drugs might end up helping her (remember she has been seeing him for a good part of a year).

There is this condition called Delusional Disorder which in my decidedly non-expert opinion might fit. One of the differences between DD and schizophrenia is the nature of the delusions: schizophrenia apparently features bizarre delusions: aliens kidnapped you and removed your brain or whatever. As strange as they are I believe my wife’s delusions are classified as non-bizarre: they are things that COULD be happening, they just aren’t.

Someone talked about commital: I have thought about that. I honestly can’t say though that she is a danger to herself or others, at least not yet. I certainly intend to keep my son safe, and myself as well (AND her, to the fullest extent possible).

If her condition seems to deteriorate over the next couple of days I will look at going that route but honestly she seems slightly better now than she did two weeks ago, and I know for a fact she has looked into finding a psychiatrist. As soon as I open my mouth about it she gets very defensive so that has been counter productive (the psychologist supports this approach as well, for the moment).

Also just to reassure everyone, I AM talking to the psychologist about my own feelings as well. I intend to go see him next week, with my wife if possible but otherwise I will go by myself. I tried dealing with this alone last year and it didn’t work, I’m not going that route again.

23

underlining mine This is not okay. I know you mean well, but you’ll only heighten his anxiety if he thinks he’s the only one who realizes that something is wrong.

When your wife is treated, and I hope it’s soon for everyone’s sake, my advice to you is to schedule a session with your pyschologist and have him talk to your son about your wife’s illness. I know from unfortunate experience at just that age how scary and confusing a parent’s delusional mental illness is, and I can assure you being talked to by a professional who understood the mental illness made it less scary to deal with. Somehow being told that it’s not their fault and they’ll be better is more official from a doctor than the other parent - the parent’s job is to tell you things will be okay, so it’s harder to believe.

Having a parent with a mental illness is not an easy thing (or two parents with mental illnesses in my and my brother’s case) but having a parent with an untreated mental illness is far scarier and upsetting than having one who is treated. I’m sure you’re worried about how your boy will feel if Mom has to be hospitalized, but things will more than likely improve afterwards if that needs to happen. You mentioned the you don’t think she’s a danger “at least not yet” but that could come without much warning. You don’t want to wait for yet to come.

24

No problem with that. I have experience as both a patient and academic experience in behavioral neuroscience. Psychiatric and psychological treatment has an unusual number of pitfalls that lead to no where, or worse, they are counterproductive. I experienced many of those and it almost literally killed me and destroyed my family. OTOH, Boston is the place you want to be when it comes to true experts at these things. If you get set up with the right people right away, it can save you and your wife, almost everything. There are literally tricks to getting the right treatment but they take cooperation from the affected person. The quality of area hospitals also varies widely so don’t pick one out of the blue because they aren’t the same.

25

Second this. Mommy is having some trouble right now or is sick or confused. She’s not joking. Check with the support groups mentioned to get advice on how best for your son to deal with this. Also discuss with relevant physicians.

26

Just out of curiosity, how did you get your post count and location to disappear, Laughing Lagomorph? Or am I having delusions now? :slight_smile:

My sincere sympathies for what you and your family are going through. Here’s hoping that your psychologist can give you some good ideas to help your wife get the help she needs. Maybe you going to a therapist will help her, too - that she’s not the only one who’s “different.”

27

I was straightforward with my kids and even explained to them that bi-polar may very well be heriditary. I did not do this to scare them - I did it to educate them. We also would find info on the internet and I got their feedback when they thought a med was no longer working, or the side effects were not in my best interest (can we say Zombie?). I started doing this when my kids were young - I think my youngest was around 8. I spent many years non-medicated (did the whole natural-healing methods). Of course, I was fortunate that I did not have delusions and most of my episodes were manic, very few were depressive. I think I was able to pass off a lot of it as being a single parent supporting her kids by working 2 jobs, being young and determined. Ok, so I could go from angel to b* in less than 10 seconds and then back to angel shortly after.

I didnt go on meds until I had a manic episode that developed into a psychotic episode after several days of no rest/sleep - I lost count at 10 days. My brain would not shut up and I started hallucinating. Yeah, that was a trip that scared the crap out of me because I lost a few days somewhere and dont remember - did I go to work? yes. Did I come home? eventually. And when I was at home I was curled up in the linen closet with the door shut. I was under a LOT of STRESS that triggered the whole thing. My (ex)bf had me committed (but that’s a whole other story). I was angry with him at first, but I realized that he probably saved my life (do not misunderstand, I was not suicidal, but I often wonder how I was able to drive safely in my condition). I HATED being committed and even discharged myself after a week (it really was a misearble place to be). I disciplined myself to take the meds, and I FELT better. After all these years, I felt BETTER. I never was paranoid, thank gawds, but it was creepy to see things that others didnt see… like trolls under an overpass on the interstate, or feeling bugs crawling on me.

Intervention - take her to the docs even if you have to tell her that the appt is for YOU (just dont go into detail and tell her when you get to the parking lot). Dont put her in the defensive - she’s sick and doesnt know it. Educate yourself, your family, and especially your son. They are the best ones to know when something isnt right.
My kids already know if I have another episode they need to help me no matter how much I deny it, and I’ve explained to them that I will not hold it against them, even if it takes me awhile to get over it.

28

I’m so very sorry to hear it. What follows is not specific medical advice, but a suggested strategy for learning more about what’s happening.

It sounds like a good differential diagnosis could be helpful. Something that I don’t think anyone has mentioned yet: Your wife is in her 40’s. Schizophrenia has a bimodal distribution in women with one peak in their 40’s, since this is when many women hit perimenopause, it’s thought that there’s a hormonal trigger or component. However, something to consider is that people who wind up with formal diagnoses of schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder very often don’t seem quite right even before they manifest the hallmark symptoms such as delusions or hallucinations. If you and non-family members have not historically thought your wife was “rather odd,” “kind of weird,” etc., then the onset of these symptoms and behaviors may represent a change in her cognitive status.

Changes from the person’s baseline, with no history of the symptoms or behaviors, are a red flag in an adult. They should suggest the need for a good, thorough, diagnostic evaluation that includes issues such as changes in substance use, changes in medications (including herbal or “natural” preparations), changes in hormone levels (and I want to emphasize this because perimenopause often gets missed as a potential factor and sometimes is the cause of strange new symptoms), brain tumor, etc. The rule of thumb for psychologists is that big changes without previous history should be evaluated for physical causes before a psychological explanation is settled on. Yes, unfortunately your wife might be developing late onset schizophrenia or even bipolar disorder (though without a history that supports this I’d be rather surprised). Yes, she might even be depressed. In my experience, however, a lot of women are diagnosed as depressed without further exploration of history or physical causes. I would encourage you not to stop at that. The delusions that a very depressed person may experience are far more likely to be about her own worthlessness or how everyone despises her, not paranoid delusions.

I want to be somewhat emphatic here. There’s a lot of what’s called “psychological masquerade.” These are the symptoms that seem to be psychological but have a non-psychiatric physical cause. Psychologists and psychiatrists suffer as much as anyone from the “when the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail” syndrome. I know–I’m one of them. I’ve seen middle aged women diagnosed with “oh, she’s depressed–empty nest syndrome, dependent personality,” and the like, when an adjustment to their estrogen replacement therapy alleviated the symptoms entirely. Many a depression with a lengthy psychodynamic explanation is magically cured by thyroid medication. Some anxiety disorders are magically cured by having the person stop drinking 10 cups of coffee a day, or by the diagnosis of mitral valve prolapse. Not all, but enough that it’s important to know more about what you’re dealing with.

If your wife gets a good differential diagnosis and you can learn about what’s been eevaluated and ruled out, then at least if it* is *a psychological/psychiatric problem, you can help make sure that she’s treated appropriately.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

29

You’ve received so much good advice here, and I’m sure it can be overwhelming. I’ll only add my support and deepest wishes that things get better for all of you soon. This post brought me to tears. Your family is in my thoughts.

30

I feel for you, last year almost overnight my mother went barking mad, mad as in I-want-to-claw-out-your-eyes-cause-it´ll-be-fun crazy.
I know how scary it is to look into the eyes of someone you love and see that something is out of whack in there.
Now shes almost normal again after treatment and my father went away... well not counting that she jumped off of her apartment window a couple weeks ago (shes going to recover, tough lady, at least on the outside). But barring a punctual depressive streak she`s functional, rational and my mother again.

It can and Im sure it will get better; adapting to the new reality will take a little while though, but hang on until the treatments start to kick in and you begin to regain your wife. I also know how incredible frustrating it can be, but even when you feel like you want to pull your hairs off remember that she needs your help more than anything, its the crazy in her that will test your will, not your wife.

31

Standing on the front line of Mental Illness is akin to standing with some kind of perverse flame thrower being leveled at you going off at sporadic moments.
Shoshanna’s advice about periomenopause and hormonal fluxuation is (uh) spot on. As a woman, 41 myself, I can feel the " Why is everyone around me a raging ASSHOLE who is here just to ANNOY me?" for a couple days a month for a good many years. Prozac and evening primrose oil has helped me considerably. ( Assholes have been downgraded to " Entertainment Purposes Only: Do Not Take Seriously.". YMMV.)
Keep on course. Hopefully sooner than later, she will find solid ground again and be flame thrower free.

32

Absolutely. I have tons of knowledge about this stuff and about various inpatient and intensive outpatient programs. Don’t hesitate.

33

I don’t have any advice better/different than what you’ve received, but I wanted you to know that I read your post and I’m wishing for the best for you and your family. I hope your wife is able to get the help she needs.

34

Let me third (fourth?) that - what used to be mild PMS has turned into “I’m gonna ram my car into these fuckers one of these days” in the last couple of years for me (41). She might indeed be schizophrenic or whatever, but I can almost guarantee you that the hormone roller coaster isn’t helping.

35

+1 - finding the path that keeps a process in place to get treatment, while being patient with your wife and focused on your family will be tough - best of luck.

36

I have not read all of the responses. I did not want to post this but maybe it helps to know you’re not alone.

I’m 47 years old.

I could have written the OP myself.

Some differences. We had no children of our own, we were only married 4 years and her delusions were not conspiratorial in nature. Instead she was convinced that I was having multiple affairs with old classmates (we’d ourselves had met at a class reunion), that I was using and dealing drugs, and that I was spending an enormous amount of money on hookers, so much so, that we were in danger of losing everything. This belief was unshakable despite the fact that we had zero debt, paid off our house and had about 30 grand in savings. She was inconsolable. No amount of friend’s testimony, patorial intervention, psychiatric advice or banking proof convinced her otherwise. She maintained that I was some kind of evil Svengali/conman who could convince all of our friends, that I was the good-guy by using Jedi-mind tricks. Sadly, even comitting herself to a psychiatric hospital only lasted 4 days and resulted in no desire to change on her part. Even more sadly, being a nurse, she felt she could decide on her own when or how much of the medication the doctors prescribed to take. Eventually we divorced and I had to start over. I tried to help and I fought hard for my marriage for years.

I hope it works out different for you. I reccomend that you take care of your own mental health. You have a child to protect as well, don’t hold back, be honest. Tell him mommy needs help and it’s not easy. tell him you love him and mom. To have someone you love slowly turn into what acts like a mortal enemy is very disturbing, painful and hard to comprehend. It’s harder for kids. Take you and your son to therapy. You’ll need it.

Worst case scenario: be prepared to take care of the both of you. If that means a seperate bank account in your name only, open one up with $100 and be ready to switch your direct deposit to that. get a post office box. You might never use them, but they are there if it all goes south. A suitcase with toiletries and clothes in a safe place is also a good idea. Again, it is best to never use them. Better if you run across it years from now and say, “thank God I never had to go that far.” I came home one day and found that all the money had been taken from our accounts and she’d put it in her name only. The same with the home and the rental houses. If my friend hadn’t have traded cars, and went out of town, she’d have taken my car and sold it (I learned later).

You can get through this. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Now is the time to lean on friends and family.

One last bit of advice, if things get really bad, DO NOT consider sending your son to live with relatives. Keep him with you. Even if it nmeans you both are sleeping in a car. At his age he’d not understand why you’d be getting rid of him. He’ll appriciate you keeping him by you side through thick and thin.

Keep strong, keep together. You will be stronger when this is over.

God be with you.

If you ever want to talk my email’s in my profile.

37

lorene and Shagnasty I’ve PMed both of you.
featherlou I had changed my board email so I guess my post count and location disappeared until I had logged in again.

As far as what I told my son: Yes, I realize now that probably wasn’t the best thing to say but I was caught flat-footed when she told him that one of her best friends, the mother of his best friend, had snuck into our house while we were away to abuse his beloved pet rabbit. I will go with your suggestions and consult the psychologist about this too (I have an appointment on Monday).

I called her brother and brought him up to speed. He is a lawyer by training so I was hoping he might have some suggestions, either personally or professionally. In any case I figured it was time he was in the loop.

Sitting at the computer at home just now I have found a list of psychiatrists in our area that are approved by our health plan. My wife must have printed it out within the last couple of days so that is hopeful as far as it goes.

On the other hand she just called from NH (she left a couple of days ago supposely to go skiing, I figured she needed to get out of here temporarily) saying she was thinking of staying up there to get away from “all this”. She wouldn’t tell me where she was and is no longer answering her cell phone.

If I can determine if she has made an appointment to see a psychiatrist within the next couple of days I will leave well enough alone, otherwise I will make an appointment myself, ideally to bring her or at least to get an opinion.

That’s all for now. My son and I are fine for the moment, I will certainly put his needs first (as always). I don’t have time to respond to everyone individually but I appreciate and am genuinely touched by all the good wishes and practical suggestions.

38

It’s good to keep him in the loop, of course, but for professional legal advice you’ll want to get counsel from someone who is both experienced in this area of practice and is not emotionally involved in the situation. It may not come to the point of needing legal action, but you’re better off having talked to someone about what the threshold and necessary action is for that circumstance.

Stranger

39

That’s good advice, Stranger - the most involved the OP’s brother-in-law should get professionally is to recommend a good lawyer for the situation.

40

Unfortunately (as I’ve learned to my immense distress this week), it’s virtually impossible to get an appointment with a psychiatrist in less then 3 weeks to 3 months. My insurance has a group that is calling around for me and hopes to get me an appointment in 10 to 12 days; in the meantime they suggested seeing my PCP and a counselor to try to tide me over. :frowning: