My wife is exhibiting symptoms of mental illness (long, depressing)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I still can’t believe this is really happening to us. I feel like if I type it in and talk about it, maybe it will seem more real.

My wife, in her mid forties, is experiencing delusions. We have been married for over 13 years, I knew her for a few years before that. We have a seven year old son.

It started last September, soon after our son started full-day school for the first time. She was working an unpaid part-time internship at a nearby non-profit, and also volunteering at my son’s school. She told me that people were repeating, or “refelcting back” to her, things that she had said earlier.

She told me that she thought that one of her friends had come into our house and stolen files off our computer. That people at her internship were eavesdropping on her conversations and sending details of them to HR at my work. That when she talked with the principal at our son’s school in his office about her fund raising activities their conversations were being transmitted to another room so that other people could eavesdrop.

She believed that the school was using sophisticated electronic equipment to listen in on conversations in the cars in the parking lot when parents dropped their kids off in the morning (this was revealed to her when the school put up a sign in the parking lot “No Cell Phone Use”, in her interpretation the cell phones were interfering with the eavesdropping equipment).

When my family came for Thanksgiving last year she told me that my brother had been using his cell phone to “conference in” the consultant who was helping us set up care for my aging parents. This was so the consultant could help my family fix our marriage.

One Saturday last December she clearly had something on her mind but wouldn’t tell me what. I tried to engage her with various neutral topics but she just sat on the couch, glaring at me. Finally she confronted me, enraged: “Are you recording my conversations? Am I being recorded right now, yes or no!”

When I tried to reason with her she would get really frustrated, telling me I was too naive, too trusting of others, and I didn’t really understand what was going on. She refused to consider the possibility something was wrong with her, suggesting instead I was the one with the problem.

She and I happen to share the same Primary Care Physician. I figured I needed to start with him, either she was losing it or I was and either way he could do something about it. He told me she needed to see a psychiatrist.

When I finally told her I had talked to the PCP about her behavior she flipped. She was furious, wanted a divorce, couldn’t believe I was talking about her behind her back, yadda yadda. In retrospect, could I have handled it better? Sure, but I was desperate and just wanted to get her help.

The symptoms seemed to stop on their own soon after New Year’s. She started seeing a psychologist by herself. Among other things he diagnosed her with ADHD. I believe she probably has this as well but I don’t think it is the whole story.

Eventually we were both seeing the psychologist for marriage counselling, and the year passed pretty uneventfully. Then this year, soon after Thanksgiving, it started up if anything worse than before. This time people were following her in cable TV trucks, they were making a documentary about her without her permission. It had been going on for more than 10 years, she thought my brother might be involved (he DOES work in TV, but he isn’t a documentary producer or anything like that). She thought the people who moved out of the house behind ours to another state six years ago were also involved. The people from a well known reality TV show (one of those home makeover dealies) were going to knock down our house, and the one behind ours, and build us a new bigger one. They were going to send us and all our neighbors on a cruise, and give me a new car.

Now the psychologist has admitted he can’t help her the way she is, and she needs to see a psychiatrist NOW. He was particularly concerned when I told him she was beginning to see people as other people in disguise: the emergency room nurse was her old boyfriend, the new OB-GYN was her old boss. A lady she met briefly a couple of weeks ago was her old roomate (who lives thousands of miles away, in another country).

She has always been somewhat emotionally isolated. I would have to say there is no adult human being she fully trusts, except perhaps her father. She has one brother she isn’t especially close too. She hasn’t fully trusted me since I “betrayed” her last year (by trying to get her professional help). Her and her mother have a long history of a mutual scorched-earth relationship. She has many, many friends but most of the close (in an emotional sense) ones now live far away, the nearby ones either she doesn’t trust anymore, they aren’t close (emotionally) enough to her to matter, or they don’t see anything wrong.

On that note: she has remained pretty functional. She gets up in the morning, showers, brings our son to school, goes shopping, does the housework (she isn’t working outside the home). Then when I get home she tells me all the crazy stuff. She also sends me emails and voicemails about the newest facet of the conspiracy she just figured out. She hasn’t tried to go to the police about her perceived harrasers, she hasn’t thrown a brick through the windshield of a cable TV truck.

(Oh, yes. She completely out of the blue demanded to see my performance review from last year. Nevermind that she has never shown an interest before, I have worked at the same place for almost 20 years, averaging about 7.5% raises a year, I get direct deposit into our joint bank account and she sees all the pay stubs. I was obviously hiding something!)

There is a lot more, but it is basically just variations on a theme. When I tried to tell her how concerned the psychologist and I were, and that she needed to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible (his recommendation) she again got angry, told me everyone should stop prodding her, and she was going to take care of it herself. She also made a casual reference earlier to “next week, after I get my meds”. So on one level she knows she needs help, on another level every crazy thing she perceives to be happening really is.

I’m also concerned about how this might affect my son. She has started asking him to corroborate her delusions, like the people in disguise, or telling him that one of our neighbors came in our house when we were gone and pulled some of the fur out of his pet rabbit’s tail. I try to tell him “Mom’s just making a joke” but he is definitely confused.

So that’s where we stand. She claims she will see a psychiatrist the next couple of days, she needs to go NOW, and she won’t let me bring her sooner. Oh, and there is nothing wrong with her. I am seeing the psychologist myself now, and I have confided in a few very close people, as well as my father in law.

I don’t know if I’m looking for advice of sympathy or neither or what. I just needed to let it out.

2

Oh…man. I am so sorry.

You are doing everything you can be doing, and I commend you for that. The only loose end, really, is WHEN she goes to the psychiatrist. Any more foot-dragging, you know, just exacerbates the problem.

The good news is that illnesses of this type are very treatable. I have known people, both personally and professionally, who suffer from delusions similar to those that your wife is having. One of my former roommates was convinced that people were following her, our neighbor upstairs was spying on her through some very sophisticated measures, the people in the local pizza place were poisoning her food, etc. It took a few tries on different meds, but she has led a normal and productive life for the decade since all this happened, with no repeats. Some people do have repeats, to be sure, but there are amazing things that can be done with medication. The roommate situation was the one that I was closest to personally, but I have worked in mental health previously and have many client experiences as well.

(I know that not everyone on this board is in favor of psychotropic medications. It sounds as though you are open to the idea, so I went with that angle.)

Hang in there. You’re a good man to be so supportive of her. You might consult with your psychologist on ways to help your son understand, too.

You are free to email me (in the profile) if you want. I’m a good listener and some have professional resources as well. (You’re near Boston, am I right? I am too)

3

I am so sorry.

I wish I knew something more to suggest that you haven’t already done – professional help, etc.

I can tell you that the idea of dealing with what you’re dealing with really terrifies me; I can handle a medical emergency with my wife – and have – but this kind of illness I just don’t understand. I get liver disease – even if I’m not a doctor, I can picture how the liver can physically get messed up and how that can be a severe problem. But this… I don’t understand HOW, and it makes me feel helpless and scared just to read it. I can’t imagine facing it in my own life.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

4

When my husband was hypomanic, I could not get him to agree to go to psychiatrist on my own. I had to call in the troops… I got his mom involved. I don’t know if that’s possible in this case, but you did mention your father-in-law. In my case, I made the appointment for my husband, and my mother-in-law and I went and got my husband from work and basically forced him to go to the appointment. I told the psychiatrist’s office that it was an emergency, because it was.

Good luck to you.

5

Paranoid schizophrenia isn’t that uncommon but getting someone to go inpatient into the psych ward with it is. I am bipolar (successfully treated) myself and there were about three years where I put family under extreme stress for behavior that wasn’t the same as you describe but at least as bad. I had more than a couple of psych ward admissions myself and they really aren’t that bad. I did get almost fully better after repeated types of treatment but it did take drugs to make that happen.

I believe you are in the Boston area IIRC which is fortunate in case any in-patient work needs to be done. There are a number of great hospitals for that type of thing. I have some serious experience with hospitals and doctors if you want to e-mail me. The quality of psych care varies much more than any other medical speciality I have seen. Some are real crackpots no matter the plaques on their wall. Others can easily restore a person to whole with a simple medication or two.

6

I hope that’s true, and that Laughing Lagomorph’s family can survive and recover.

But if she refuses treatment, don’t ignore the need to take the best resolution to the worse-case scenario: save yourself and your son.

I’m not saying this as a busy-body. There was the time my wife went on one of her dish-smashing, door slamming, me-punching screaming fits, triggered by the fact that our lives weren’t as secure and comfortable as a family she’d seen on TV.

That family was the Simpsons.

7

I am so sorry you are having to suffer through this. My uncle is paranoid schizoaffective so I am very familiar with the difficult family dynamics involved with caring for someone with a serious mental illness. I’m also aware of how difficult it can be to convince them that they need help. As research has consistently shown, the absolute key to your wife’s ability to cope is going to be the support that she receives from her family… and it will not be easy.

But you, Lagomorph, will also need support. You won’t be of any use to your wife if you are not taking care of yourself first. There are places you can go for support in learning to cope with mentally ill family members. Your son is going to need a lot of support, too. You did the right thing by speaking with your PCP in my opinion. I really doubt there is anything you could have done that would not have aroused your wife’s sense of betrayal… just try to keep in mind that it is not her that mistrusts you, it is her illness. Sometimes the hardest part is separating the person from the mental illness… please do not blame yourself. You have done everything a loving husband can. If she’s anything like my uncle, she will never seek help on her own, and she needs someone to take the initiative for her. Only a psychiatrist who is fully aware of her symptoms will be able to give her the treatment she needs.

I’m always so bad at the sympathy threads and usually try to stay out of them, but I am just aching inside for you and I wanted you to know that there are other people out there who have suffered these crises and learned to cope with them. Take comfort in the story of the director of National Alliance of the Mentally Ill in our local chapter here… he is a paranoid schizophrenic who not only directed NAMIs chapter meetings here, he recently went back to school for a Master’s Degree in Social Work. You would not even guess he was mentally ill from speaking to him. To what does he credit his success? The unflinching love and support of his family.

Uh, the post preview page isn’t showing your location but around here we have FEST – Family Education Support and Training , which is intended for loved ones of mentally ill persons. You may be able to find something like this in your area. I have attended these meetings before and my husband did some volunteer work for them… they can make an incredibly huge difference to folks, like you, who may feel so alone and confused about what is going on. I have sat there and heard the testimonials… these meetings change the participants forever.

The best of luck and love to you and your family. We’re always here to vent if you need us.

8

I wish you the best of luck. My friend’s wife went through a similar event several years ago. He was cheating on her, people were following her. She would go on shopping binges that racked up thousands in bills and then sink into a major depression because she had spent their utility money and their lights were going to be shut off.

We all tried to help but nothing got through to her. We were out to get her, my wife was trying to steal her husband away, we were turning her kids against her. Finally one day she locked herself in the bedroom and wouldn’t come out. My friend literally kicked down the door and found her curled up in a ball in the corner. He called an ambulance and they took her to the hospital. She was committed for a few weeks. She is now diagnosed as bipolar. As long as she takes the meds, she is OK.

My wife’s aunt is also bipolar and, when she is not taking her meds will do things like string up dental floss to keep the burglars out or keep a diary of everyone who walks in front of her house because they are spying on her for “them”. Unfortunately, she takes the meds and feels stable and then decides that she doesn’t need them anymore and stops taking them so she gets committed, takes her meds and…

Stand by her, love her and support her. It’s hard for your son to understand now (I get the impression he is about 7 or so) but my friend told his 7 year old that sometimes Mommy gets confused and needs help. Please let us know what happens. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife.

9

First, let me say:

It’ll be okay. Really.

Not easy, not fun, not what you had in mind when you got married.

I speak as someone married to a mentally ill, sometimes paranoid and irrational woman (I knew this going in to the marriage, so I can’t know how it feels to you).

The first thing to do is to try and convince her to get help. It’ll have to be done VERY carefully, as she has already seen that as a betrayal.
In order to do that successfully, you will have to get her to acknowledge that there is something different about her. Emphasize that it isn’t anything “wrong,” just “different.” Try to help her see that it’s unhealthy.

Get her in to see a medical doctor as well. Don’t rule out a physical cause. I know it sounds strange, but my wife, who is diagnosed rapid-cycle bipolar with psychotic breaks (and if you don’t think that’s fun, let me tell you…) was recently diagnosed with Lyme Disease, which can have a psychological effect. Remember Wade Sexton?

I don’t know where you live, but here in Flordia, if you truly feel that a person’s behavior is more than just quirky or irrational, and has crossed over to potentially being a danger to themselves or others, they can be Baker Acted. It isn’t an easy thing to decide; it isn’t an easy thing for the person being evaluated to understand. But with time, proper treatment, and above all love, understanding, caring and patience, it usually works out well.

I’m sorry to hear that you, your son and your wife are going through this. Please keep us posted, and if you ever need to vent, or to ask questions on being the partner of someone with mental illness*, please PM me.

*That reminds me. There will come a time when you and your son need a good support network. Don’t forget to take care of yourself, too.

10

Great advice above, especially about getting support for yourself. I am mostly posting, though, to express sympathy. It is not an easy road you are facing.

11

My cousin has struggled throughout her adult life (and, looking back, probably part of her childhood) with what sounds like the same issues your wife is having. She has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. She is married with five children and it’s been so hard for her husband and kids, and her parents and siblings. I agree with those who said to get support for you and your son. It’s so sad to face this and my thoughts are with you.

12

My sympathy and prayers. It sounds very similar to my Mom’s bipolar disorder, which is no fun to live with at all, especially for kids. Very similar. Especially the paranoia and elaborate delusions.

I don’t know about the laws where you are, but my Dad got Mom committed involuntarily for treatment several times during my childhood, which required (as I recall) a Justice of the Peace and corroboration from our family doctor that she might be dangerous to herself or others. She was obviously extremely unhappy about it, but it was much better than letting her refuse treatment.

I don’t know if my Dad knew she was bipolar before they were married. Her first episode post-marriage was when I was three months old. :frowning: She tried to buy a couple of houses.

13

First off, Laughing Lagomorph, let me offer my sympathy. Any time our nearest and dearest exhibit symptoms of serious illness, be it physical or psychological, it’s very difficult to deal with.

Next, let me say that there really are wonderful medications available for the kinds of symptoms your wife is exhibiting. Then, I’ll third the suggestion you seek support for yourself. You cannot control what your wife chooses or does not choose to do. You can control what you choose to do. Support is crucial!

You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers!

14

Well, not much to add except for my sympathy. I am Bipolar 2 (rapid cycling) and medicine definitely helps. I don’t have delusions, but my mom does. She has been nearly back to ‘normal’ since being put on medicine. Things can and will get better. Hang in there.

15

I dont have anything to add that hasn’t already been said better, but posting to express sympathies and send good thoughts your way.

What I’m wondering is how you explain all this to the son? I have no clue…

16

Can the psychologist give you info re commital? IMO, that might be what she needs.

Sadly, there is no guarantee that someone like this will be compliant with her meds.
I would stop telling your son that mom is joking around–mom is not joking and I think he knows that. It might help both of you to say what I was taught was a student nurse to say to delusional people: “I don’t see what you see.” You will never argue someone out of a delusion. This neutral statement seems to be acceptable to most delusional pts I’ve had to deal with. I am NOT a psych nurse; this is just a suggestion.

Here is a list of books that are age appropriate for kids. I think the first one looks good (most deal with depression). SadDays/GladDays
Here is another one, from amazon: Wishing Wellness

I am sorry that you have to go through this. Your wife is most likely very scared in her world. As you know, she needs help. I hope you find your way.

17

The advice here has been spot on (not that I’m a psychiatrist or anything, but I’ve had a brush with dementia that sounds a lot like paranoid schizophrenia) and how I’d treat it. In my brief experience those who are affected are very defensive and adamant about their sanity and attempts to convince them otherwise seem to be regarded as some sort of subversive plot against them which just gets you pegged as a co-conspirator in The Great Plot, making any further attempts to give them help pointless without a great deal of thoroughly convincing argument. I don’t know that I could really figure out how to deal with it being a loved one like my wife other than to tell her earnestly how much I love her and how she’s my world to me, but how there just seems to be something different about her that worries me – try and approach it as if I just want her to see someone to ease my own potentially unfounded concerns. Perhaps if she (your wife) could be convinced to do it to humour you and make you feel better (and maybe give her a chance to say, “See? I told you there’s nothing wrong with me”) then she can get the help that she needs.

I hope it works out for you though. I do know these things are supposed to be quite treatable with Haloperidol or whatever they prescribe, though I’ve no experience with how fully they allow the patient to recover. I hope you can get her to see the psychiatrist and she goes along with the treatment. I can’t imagine how this is affecting you with it just coming on out of the blue like this – I’d be pretty frightened myself, but I’d do whatever it took to help her.

18

A dear friend of mine has fought symptoms like this for years; turns out she actually has severe bipolar disorder. She’s on a combination of medications that seem to be doing the trick. Her breaking point was her husband having to drive across their state to pick her up because she couldn’t drive home due to the paranoid delusions she was suffering from, including things like people spying on her from the drive-thru speaker. We visit them twice a year for a week at a time and haven’t seen any problems with her; her husband admits there are some fluctuations but she holds down a job teaching high schoolers just fine, and is generally very happy with the results of her treatments.

19

Laughing Lagomorph, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. :frowning:

I posted here once about my mother exhibiting many of the same symptoms, including believing that there were people breaking into the house while she was upstairs. Dopers with much better understanding of mental and legal issues than I gave me a bunch of useful advice and links in that thread.

In many ways, my family lucked out. While we were still trying to decide what to do, my mom fell down the stairs and called an ambulance. Once she was in the hospital, they recognized that she had a problem and had her involuntarily committed for a short period of time, where she was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I won’t lie and say that she does not resent that this happened - to this day she maintains that it was a family conspiracy against her, and if she was confused at all she was just having blood sugar issues at that time. But she is much more lucid and physically healthy now, and she is only moderately less capable with day to day life than she was during my childhood. And she is no longer impossible to be around. Hopefully your wife will improve at least as much.

Best of luck.

20

It doesn’t apply to all mental disorders, or probably even a lot of them, but on my first reading of Orthodoxy, by G. K. Chesterton, his essay on the madmen rang horribly true:

I agree with eleanor- don’t tell your son that Mom is joking. He knows she isn’t, but he doesn’t know why his Mom is saying strange things. I’m not sure if I have any good advice about how to talk to him about it- ask a psychiatrist or your family doctor for advice. And find people to help you cope. Dealing with mental illness in a loved one is horrible.