My wife punishes me every day!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Because I’m the master of the bad joke; my wife decided a little payback was in order. She purchased a “Bad Joke of the Day” calendar for Christmas last year.

A previous example of the truly unfunny, and ‘huh?’ rendering jokes can be found here: Help me understand this joke - In My Humble Opinion - Straight Dope Message Board

Today’s horrible example:
Rabbi: Little Billy do you know why God created feet?
Little Billy: Sure, so there’d be something to put shoes on.

Yep that’s it. I promise I’m not missing anything.

2

Please tell me ‘Phutschus’ is Yiddish for something, anything.

3

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Shut up, stupid!

4

My high school classes are eternally wary of me because of my tendency to throw out horribly bad jokes. My science class was required to memorize this one:

Two atoms were walking down the road when one of them exclaims,“Hey, I just lost an electron!”
The other replies, “Are your sure?”
The first says, “I’m positive!”

On their test they had to write the joke and explain it. Ha!

5

I remember telling that “joke” to my high school science teacher. He wasn’t impressed.

Neither was my mid school science teacher with this one:

Why are (were) hurricanes named after girls?

Otherwise, we’d have to call them himmicanes.

6

I should probably open a new thread, but since this was so recent…
I have a new one, and I’m copying EXACTLY the way it’s written:

**Maria: ** I tried to call you last night but I couldn’t get through.
Marlena: There are five reasons you couldn’t get through.
**Maria: ** Five reasons?
Marlena: The first reason is that our phone was disconnected.
**Maria: ** That’s enough.

OK, I can only guess that the joke is that Maria was telling a lie, and as soon as Marlena gave her a ‘valid’ excuse, Maria decided that was the excuse she would use.

~sigh~

7

That would have been a lot funnier if Maria was lying and said SHE was the one who something like “There are five reasons why I didn’t call you last night.” And then Marlena could say something like, “Our phone was disconnected” and then Maria could say something like, “Oh, I mean, there was only one.” It’s still stupid, though.

These bad jokes are addicting. Can you give some more examples? I think we should call them anti jokes.

8

My The Littlest Briston was about a year old, my in-laws bought her a CD of “personalized” songs – eight songs that have her name strategically placed throughout. It’s since become one of her favorites.

One of the songs is “Questions”…basically a bunch of oddball questions that a kid would ask a parent…“Who sings the sun to sleep at night?”, stuff like that. One of them is “Where do birds go when they eat?”. My immediate answer:

A nestaurant!

My wife still hasn’t forgiven me.

9

Yep,

A man walks into a bar.
His buddy then says, “Hey, watch where you’re going!”

10

Ah, man, I love that joke! I tell it every chance I get, along with:

A neutron goes into a bar. Asks the barman, “How much for a beer”. Barman replies, “For you? No charge!”

11

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

Justice Fingers!

12

Frau Schrödinger says: “Ach, Erwin, what haff you done vis ze cat? It looks half dead!”

A policeman pulls Dr. Heisenberg over, and says, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“No, but I know exactly where I am!”

13

This sounds great for my boyfriend. Now I can come up with some bad jokes and puns* but I swear he is the worst, real groaners.
*For example;
Me: Oh no! We’ve reached plaid speed!
Straightman: What’s wrong with that?
Me: It’s dangerous! Someone could get kilt!

[sub]Please don’t hurt me.[/sub]

14

I have to say… I love puns like this. I’ll definitely be telling my wife that one.

Todays Joke of the day: (No I’m not making this up, can someone please explain it to me?)
Tuesday August 12, 2008
Did you hear the one about the bank cashier who ran off with $200,000?
They had to find a replacement to teach his Sunday school class.

15

Please tell me you’re making that last one up. I mean, it’s not even a joke–it sounds like something on that website, “Overheard in New York,” except not remotely interesting.

16

What do you get if you cross and cow and a chicken?

Cow-chicken-cow-cow (sung to the ubiquitous “porn music” meme of "bow-chickka-bow-bow)

17

I appreciate that. In case it wasn’t clear in my post that one was an example of my puns, my boyfriends are usually much worse.

It sounds more like the type of joke a standup comedian would use, a part of a comedy bit and not an actual joke.

I think it’s supposed to be ironic, i.e. a religious person, someone who should be an example of a do-gooder, does something morally wrong but it’s a pretty bad joke all around because we’ve seen worse in real life, such as tele-evangelists having affairs and stealing money from their church and priests molesting little boys. The latter not being joke material unless you are really tasteless and want to go to hell. :stuck_out_tongue:

18

Because you wouldn’t expect a Sunday school teacher to steal $200,000?

19

Heh, terrible jokes:

Why’s there no aspirin in the jungle?
The parrots eat 'em all.

What lies under the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck.

The floodwaters finally recede, and Noah opens the doors to his ark, letting all the animals disembark. Weeks pass by, and all the animals seem to be reproducing, apart from two snakes. Noah is stumped, and eventually asks the snakes why they’ve not produced any offspring, when every other animal pair had.

“Cut down some trees”, the snakes told Noah, “and we will live here”.

Noah, puzzled, does as the snakes ask, and cuts down a few nearby trees. Eventually, Noah forgets about the snakes, until one day, by chance, he is passing by the location where he fell the trees. Around, hundreds of snakes are slithering to-and-fro. Noah remembers the strange request that the snakes made, and eventually tracks down the original pair, now elderly.

“Why did you ask me to cut down some trees for you”, Noah asked the pair of serpents.

The snakes respond: “Well, Noah, you see, we are adders, and we need logs to multiply”.

20

You think that’s bad, at my work we’ve got the You might be a redneck if… 365 days a year calendar. Today’s entry -

You might be a Redneck if…you ever lost a bet about Cap’n Crunch being a real person.