I am very happily married, thankyouverymuch. Who gives a shit who’s noticing what, except for their children? solkoe doesn’t need counsel or advice from his in-laws, he needs counsel and advice from an attorney. That you chose to have a friendly ear for support is entirely different from the suggestion that was made here that the OP go running to his wife’s parents to rat her out, point fingers and cast blame, as if that would somehow win him some imaginary brownie points, or cause her to sulk instead of being gleeful around her friends.
It’s none of their goddamn business. What on earth is so hard to comprehend about that?
I’m not your lawyer, but your lawyer is the one person you should schedule a visit with post haste.
If you’ve been given a hint that your marriage is in such condition as to make divorce a possibility (and it seems pretty clear from what you’ve said that your marriage is in that sort of state), then you need information.
I’m not advocating a rush to file - or even filing at all, to be blunt. And a good divorce attorney won’t necessarily advise that either.
Do you know what the legal ramifications are of your wife moving out of the marital home? Of you moving out of the marital home? Are there any?
Do you know how a property division might go?
How about your jurisdiction’s general view on spousal support (it varies widely)?
How about your jurisdiction’s general view on custody? Is one primary custodial parent or a joint-parenting arrangement preferred?
Your lawyer is required to keep confidential - so spilling your marital secrets prematurely isn’t really a consideration.
Having concrete information about the possibilities if a divorce actually happens is very, very important. If you ultimately reconcile, then that’s wonderful! If you don’t, then at least you’ll have an idea of what’s going on - and what you can do to help yourself out. The point is, you have nothing at all to loose by seeing a lawyer, except possibly a couple of hundred bucks, and quite a lot to gain. You don’t even have to tell your wife you’re seeing an attorney - although, personally, I wouldn’t feel comfortable keeping it from my spouse, even under those circumstances. Having concrete information will spare you from at least some of the “Well, what if…” sorts of questions - you’ll know most of those answers already.
Oh, and on a personal note, quit sleeping in the basement. It’s your house, too!
It’s not their business, but I’d want and expect a close friend to say something if they saw my marriage breaking up, do you imagine that a typical married couple lives in compleat privacy?
I’m not talking about nosy Mrs, Cravitts from next door.
But that’s Okay, agree to disagree
Sorry if I sounded like I was questioning your actual marriage, I meant generally.
Isn’t marriage supposed to be some sort of sacred public acknowledgment, sanction and approval of the marriage? How could it not be at the very least, friends’ and families’ business? Come divorce time, it’s definitely the government’s business. Why not family too?
Since you have actually agreed with me on the only point I was actually making, I don’t see how we need to agree to disagree – we agree.
As for the rest of your post, I imagine that the typical married couple shares way more of their private business with friends and family than what is healthy in a marriage. Most of the time, all that engenders is (often well-meaning) people butting in where they shouldn’t, and/or residual hard feelings towards the dissed spouse by the confidantes after the spouses have made up, but the friends aren’t in a position to have done so since they aren’t actually part of the disagreement in the first place.
Would I want a close friend to say something if they saw I was clearly having some emotional difficulties; sure. Does that mean I must make it their business just because they ask? Absolutely not. I might, if I felt I needed some genuine advice, like whether or not I should be contacting an attorney or something. But that’s a call I’d only make if I thought there was some genuine benefit to myself in sharing.
The post I was responding to was one that advised solkoe to make a concerted effort to seek out his wife’s parents – not a close friend, not his own parent – and not for advice, but for some kind of leg up in a ridiculous game of “make her not live in her fantasy world anymore.” It was utterly terrible advice that has no chance of having a good outcome, I said so, and I stand by that.
I know you’re hurting, but you need to talk to a lawyer to protect yourself. Believe me, it will hurt even more when you see how badly spouses can treat each other once it’s in the final stages.
The first I heard about my divorce (mentioned here by another poster) was after he had already filed for the divorce. We tried to be nice, I’m still trying, it’s not working.
Talking to a lawyer does NOT mean that you will be getting a divorce. Separate those things in your head. Getting information is not the same as getting a divorce.
Next, get a therapist. For you. Your situation sounds miserable, you sound miserable. Some support and help in finding clarity can only help. You don’t have to be emotionally bereft.
Lastly, the kids know. They don’t know exactly what’s going on, but neither do you. There is stress and tension in the house. You are sleeping in the basement (not where Daddy usually sleeps). They are probably worried, and may be blaming the situation on themselves (being the centers of their own little universes). I’m not even going to suggest how to deal with that - ask your therapist.
I wish you the best - whatever that turns out to be.
Yes. Unfortunately, “friendly” separations are a bit like “the guy in the other car was really nice to me after the accident”. Nice until you get the nastygram on legal letterhead a few days later. Get a lawyer early. Go in fast. Go in hard. Do NOT be conciliatory.
Now, if that seems to much, it’s not. Later, after you win, you can grant her more rights as YOU choose, and on an ad hoc basis. That’s if you feel bad about going in boots and all legally. But in the early stages, you MUST launch the missiles. All of them.
Bitter experience here too…
I am possibly the only person posting here who had a nice, easy, amicable divorce (dissolution, actually) in as much as that is possible. I was mad as hell at him, but we shared one attorney (he paid for it) we even drove downtown to the courthouse together, held hands throughout the hearing and went out to lunch together afterwards. Even though I just wanted to strangle him the entire time. Then I went and had the ring cut off my hand and cried for the rest of the week. There was so little to divide up that fighting wasn’t really necessary. I got bitchy about some pots and pans, but I let him have all the fancy glassware and the cabinet it was in. I got the kids. His loss, since 12 years later they don’t talk to him at all.
But I wish I had consulted a lawyer as soon as he came downstairs with all his shirts on hangers and said, “I’m leaving”. We didn’t divorce until almost a year later…we hadn’t actually planned on divorcing for quite a while, but his new honey insisted…and I didn’t consult a lawyer until nine months after he moved out, but I really wish I had, just to know what was what, and what the possible outcomes would be. We should have gotten a legal separation, and I regret trusting him to do the right thing in regards to paying the rent and providing for the kids.
So, see a lawyer. Tell her that you need to have a trial separation, and tell her to move out. As I said before, being out on her own (especially if she really is going to be alone) may help her clarify just what she will be losing or gaining by ending the marriage.
Seriously. Talking to a divorce lawyer doesn’t mean divorce will happen. The problem with not talking to a lawyer is that you don’t have any control over what she does. She could change her mind and say what a fool she’s been, and rededicate herself to the marriage - or she could make you miserable until you agree to move out as a concession so that you two will have some space before working on the marriage, and then she changes the locks, cleans out your joint accounts legally, and claims to the lawyer that you “abandoned” her and the kids and you’re a horrible man, etc., etc. You need to plan for an “emergency” in your marriage since the warning signs are all there. If you lived in “tornado alley” you’d be in trouble if you didn’t make plans for where to go when a tornado was bearing down on you. Same thing - you’ve seen there are troubles, now plan for what to do if it all falls apart.
Just some OP questions – are you sleeping in the basement because she doesn’t want you in the bedroom, or is this stemming more from an intimacy issue that has you more or less willingly relocating yourself to the basement?
She wants you to participate in telling the children, but she’s never mentioned divorce? What, exactly, is the plan to tell the kids, if you were agree to “tell the kids”? From what it sounds like you’re saying, she’s not bringing up divorce in hopes you will default into filing for it, giving her more leverage with the house and kids. Does that sound right?
