"Mystery surrounds costly spy program"

From CNN:

The article goes on to speculate about the program involving arming U.S. spy satellites, but I wonder what the real story is. I’m leaning towards some kind of cyborg/microchip-implanted genetically-modified mind-controlled Ninja super-assassin program: I mean, I would guess that would cost a lot of money, and the threat to national security is pretty obvious–what do we do when the conditioning fails and the cyborg super-Ninja commandos inevitably turn on their masters? However, I’m open to any other wild, uninformed speculation anyone would care to offer on the subject. I suppose it could also be some plan to control the weather, probably involving some sort of ray-emitting satellites.

While I like to have as much transparency as possible in instances of government expenditure, I have to say that a little “mystery” surrounding what we’re spending our spy money on sounds entirely sensible. I mean, we can’t really expect an itemised list:

*$2,834 - dinners and hotel rooms, seduction of Russian government scientists, for the use of - Janice Morgenstern (codename Ivana Humpalot).

$345,799.99 - Aston Martin with ejector seats, guided missile systems, lasers, CD player.

$0.89 - loaf of bread, ducks, for the nonchalant feeding of while exchanging vital information with mole from Bulgarian embassy*
Still, cyborg ninjas would be kind of cool.

I suppose since there are hint about it being destabilizing and impossible to verify, it may very well be a method of protecting our satellites from enemy countermeasures or a means of zapping their satellites.

Both technologies are feared as they could be used in the runup to Intergalactic Nuclear War. Each side would want to shoot before the other blinds them.

Innocent stuff that causes a basket of problems.

It’s an earthquake machine. Like in The Core. The Dems are afraid that it’ll stop the earth’s core from rotating, requiring us to send a heroic and self-sacrificing team of misfits down to the aforementioned core to re-start it.

Naw, ninjas are neat, but they can’t be a self aware super intelligent computer designed to manage and coordinate every aspect of our military and civil spheres at home and abroad.

I think the real debate is if we should name it Hal, Skynet, or Oh My God We Are So Screwed Beta V0.95

It changes the traffic signals so that it is always red for you.

Hey, I read my interoffice memos.

Oh good. I live in Austin, I shouldn’t notice any change.

Most Intel expendatures are military in nature.

I have information but I can’t reveal the details. Let me just say that the key is in Bosda’s signature. Coincidence? I think not. I’d say more, but then I’d have to, well, you know…

So it’s a plot to eliminate the bacon stockpile? Or are they just spying on Hunter S. Thompson? Maybe his paranoid ranting meant something.

So you’re saying that the next-gen Pentium IV will destabilize our country?

Given how hot they run, they’ll probably melt the icecaps. Yeah, I can see the problem.

This is of course the next-generation soldier enhancement program. Some remember the leak of the prototype soldier back in the '70s from the old Office of Strategic Intelligence. Oscar Goldman got handed his walking papers when the news got out, but personally, I think $6 MM for a super-soldier is a pretty good bargain. As much respect as I have for today’s soldiers, they’re no match for bigfoot.

So I’m okay because I run an Athlon XP?

What about IBM’s new upcoming Power5/Linux archiecture?

Actually, it’s already been named Colossus. Guy named Forbin came up with it.

Anyway, the article pretty much gives it away. Congress has approved the program several years running, right? It’s that big HAARP array in Alaska being used for weather control, folks. The first couple years went OK, but this year every time they tried to use it, it sent a hurricane across Florida and up the East Coast. No wonder the senators are pissed off.

Relax, they’ll have the SkyNet system resolved in no time. Just need to work on the new T series and we won’t have the terrorists to worry about any more. Trust me.

So I guess I’m the only one who immediately thought “Cool! There is a Stargate!”?

Having squandered a massive budget surplus as well as the credibility of the most powerful nation in the world? - Priceless

Some things money can’t buy - for everything else, theres politically bulletproof legislation to attach it to.

Yes, yes you are. :rolleyes:

You mean, it has something to do with Harlow Solid Italic Typefont?

Or that friggen glowing rotating tunnel Mr. B. Foot might just chase you into.