[List=1]
[li]Repeat after me Chocolate is good. This truly miraculous substance is one of the most versatile vectors for the wide scale distribution of retro viruses. We often have to make minute adjustments to the DNA in large segments of society so unless you wont to wake up as a social outcast we suggest you continue your regular dosage of this medication.[/li][li]You sound card is working. The Ultra high frequency control message is still reaching you never fear. You may however have a corrupt driver or a lose card, these tend to be the major causes of sound card failure, in the normal auditory frequencies.[/li][li]We would in an extreme case like this recommend an immediate course of Cola (any brand name medical manufacturer will do). Just so that your neighbours do not become concerned we would suggest that you stop trying to talk to semi-precious gemstones (at least in public), until your new medication takes effect.[/li][List=1]
- Do dead people look like they’re sleeping, or do sleeping people look like they’re dead?
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If I were to skip town with my tuition money, how far could I get before my parents and/or the university caught up with me?
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Hi Opal!
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Why was I selected to be one of the three humans who doesn’t like chocolate?
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What is the third word that ends in “gry” anyway?
Sigh fighting ignorance is so time consuming. As Agent C has previously pointed out the Illuminati are a red hearing, while there is some historical basis for their existence, all theories as to current activities by this organisation are in fact a cover for the New World Government. I, by the way have never been affiliated with this or any other multinational organisation of any kind, really.
[List=1]
[li]Sleeping people are dead, we just reanimate them when required.[/li][li]If you manage to film your feat of skipping a town you will never need money again, we recommend the Pacific ocean just by San Francisco for all town-skipping attempts. As a large body of water is usually required, and the residents their are used to such alternative activities[/li][li]The sudden spontaneous outbreak of “talking to semi precious stones” TOSPS, is now confirmed as being an epidemic, our weather control stations are standing by for a wide scale anthrax drop that should rectify the problem.[/li][li]We need a control group to continue measuring the effects of our latest improvements against. We however deny all liability that may arise due to the complete social isolation that this causes you.[/li][li]This is classified information . Hence the reticence of all sources to provide a straight forward answer to this question every time it is asked, we suggest that you discontinue your search immediately or further corrective readjustments to your sleep/reanimation schedule may be required.[/li][/list=1]
OK Agent C failed to notice the true link between the Illuminati and the New World Order, but his articles are otherwise accurate please refer to the following:
one
two
three
Note that here Agent C while providing possible answers to ‘gry’, cleverly avoids saying which is the third.
Britt
Why don’t they make Senior Mints?
We are currently experiencing difficulties conditioning consumers to the idea that older mints, are just as worthwhile and useful as thier younger counterparts. Just because they are covered in fluff, are a little wrinkly and have odd brown splodges all over them does not mean that they should be any less loved. Our new range of YYX chromosomes is believed to correct this flaw, expect a taste shift in a batch of chocolate coming to your town soon.
In the mean time try these.
Confectionery Inspector for the FDA.
Britt
If Lifetime TV shows a re-run of Unsolved Mysteries in which all of the cases have been subsequently solved, shouldn’t they be calling it Solved Mysteries?
Okay well. Britt: I need you again. These ones are all about me. I’m self-centered tonight.
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S’mores. Weirdest idea I’ve ever heard of. I’ve only had one once- chem class- and it was pretty good. Just odd- a strange combo. Now, the question: Are other people bizarre for loving them, or am I etrange for thinking that s’mores are weird? Maybe I’m weird because I haphazardly put words in French when i could just as easily say it in English…
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Am I a complete slack-jawed, uninformed movie-goer for liking Hannibal? Most dopers seem to have bashed it. I really did enjoy it, and the book as well, more than Silence even. (Though Red Dragon is my true fave.) I adored the Italian atmosphere, the surreal gore scenes…everything. Don’t tell me I’m a moron.
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Hi Opal! (I want to round this out to five…)
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Is it just me or did all the seniors in the yearbook I’m holding in my hands right now from two years ago choose the most pretentious quotes? There’s no way you could know this…you don’t own a copy, that was an unfair question, I’m sorry.
(Alright some weren’t pretentious, some were funny.) And if I quote from “Psycho” next year when i’m a senior and choosing quotes for myself, will the administration suggest guidance? -
Will I ever do my math homework in advance? i always wait till the last minute. In the future will this change?
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How come I always either (a) catch the very end of my favorite songs when I turn on the radio or (b) have to leave or turn off the radio just after they start?
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How do TV executive manage to discern and cancel any new series that I like?
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Hi, Opal!
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Is there really a number 4?
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When I lose my mind, how can I be sure someone won’t step on it and damage it before I find it again? And do they have grounds for a lawsuit if they slip and fall?
You cannot have a solved mystery. If you know the answer it is not a mystery anymore. Clearly as indicated by the title the unsolved mystery is still intact, the cases reported by the show have been solved (notice they are cases now, not mysteries) however the original premise for the show remains. Namely, how little money can we spend producing absolute rubbish and still have people watch it (even when we repeat it 15 times).
We are still searching for the answer to this question although present predictions suggest a limit of approximately -1,234,735,943,876,246.56 US dollars.
The test program that you have been watching was in fact a paid commercial for the ‘We Can Sell You Anything’ advertising firm, and is in my opinion one of their most compelling spots (I mean if they can sell this concept to the networks, they really can sell anything).
Comsumer Watchdog
Britt
[List=1]
[li]A Rapid Reaction force is on route to your location as we speak. Do not make any sudden movements do not hurt the hostages we can talk this through, we can find a solution where no one will get hurt.[/li][li]You are not a moron, imbecile. Your programming has just developed a slight flaw that we can rectify as soon as you put down the gun.[/li][li]We understand your compulsion (quote common for a series 5000 our new OS will soon have you back up and functioning in your normal subversive way, just be careful with that Ebola casing in the meantime.[/li][li]While I do not have a copy here I can read your copy via your optical transmission system. Never fear these are not the most pretentious quotes available, there are several from ‘Psycho’, that will still be available when you are a senior in the year 2020. Your school will not suggest guidance at this point, it will however serve you with a restraining order.[/li][li]Once the fault FPU is sorted you will cease to do the math homework at all, as it will be below you, hence your late graduation in 2020.[/li][/List=1]
School Guidance Councillor
Britt
[ol]
[li]Because we only ever play the beginning and ends of most music, this has been shown to give a much better ratio of advertising to dead time, in most market sectors. According to my book ‘The Universe in the Palm of my Hand’, this works due to the universal law of Murphy the II whereby just when I need a distraction, the universe will supply one. You have got to love a Universe that works this way.[/li][li]Careful screening and monitoring of all broadcast material is always carried out, anything stimulating, useful or productive is of course filtered out as quickly as possible. This is to insure that you remain as docile as possible, and total conditioned to my way of thinking. It’s really all for the best I have seen reality, and I am just protecting you from it.[/li][li]The world price on Opals has now reached an all time low as millions suddenly discover rich veins everywhere and start talking to them. One side effect that these new opals seem to have is their ability to completely neutralise the Anthrax fungus. A new solution to this problem is currently being work on (Thermo-Nuclear Irradiation is looking promising).[/li][li]No I am afraid to say that the number four is a total fabrication, it was included at the last minute to make our Apollo mission calculations work, but is otherwise useless.[/li][li]All minds are especially designed with nano-technology to insure that they are truly microscopic. This means that even when lost the owner is usually unaware of the condition. A side effect of this microscopic mind is that even with the huge number that are lost each day, they are barley noticeable and rarely hinder the perambulatory population. They are also covered in a special non skid surface and all come with a full safety notice, abrogating any responsibility for all accidents that should arise from the incorrect usage of this item (this includes using them as sleds, so you should be safe)[/li][/ol]