name calling

My cousin is in a bad marriage. :frowning:
They have been together for about 10 years, and it doesn’t seem to be getting better.

One time I was over there house, and she asked him to do something. He said no, and she called him a jerk or idiot, I am not sure which one. After she called him a jerk/idiot, he called her a “fucking stupid bitch”.
Needless to say, I felt very uncomfortable being there. What in the world do you say or do, you know?!

IMO, it was wrong of her to call him a jerk/idiot, but I thought it was way out of line to call her what he did.
Maybe if he callled her a jerk back, it would have been acceptable. (No name calling is acceptable, but given their relationship, it seems to be).

Am I wrong to think that his words were more harsh and hurtful. I am sure that was his point, to hurt her, it’s just I was more shocked at his words than hers.
I felt so bad for her. Are some words worse than others, or is it all the same.

I know this sounds kida PC/Dr. Phil, but as soon as you start any name calling, you’ve fucked up. Dis the behavior, not the person.

That marriage is on it’s way to fail. Name-calling is verbal abuse and should not be tolerated.

That is so sad. It does sound like he’s more harsh and angry at her because she asked him to do something.

The anger is probably out of mutual frustration. It’s a cycle of disrespect: she asks him to do something, he says no because he feels she is nagging him (maybe she is), and she calls him a jerk, then he calls her a bitch. It’s never ending.

I was married before (starter marriage) and my ex was intimidated by my strength and assertiveness and constantly told me I was a Nazi bitch. He had “little man’s syndrome” not to mention that he had the goals of a glow worm, and I’m so glad I got out of that situation.

Name calling will only lead to further abuses and further disrespect.

Perhaps you could ask her if she’s happy and if she thinks she deserves better? Just a thought.

Taken separately, his words are more harsh and hurtful. So you’re not wrong on that count. I do, however, have to jump on the bandwagon here. If you feel the need to use insults like jerk, idiot, or stupid bitch you have deeper rooted problems than just being unable to keep your mouth shut. And this goes for both of 'em.

“Stupid bitch” is certainly much worse than “jerk” in my book.

When I was growing up, we were EXTREMELY genteel. “Shut up” was absolutely forbidden, even in jest. Fights were conducted with Silent Gestures, not with words.

Of course, all the many marriages my parents were involved in when I was a child, have ended in terrible unhappiness. So perhaps there is something to be said for speaking one’s true feelings.

But one’s true feelings, when saying things like “stupid bitch”, are probably pretty ugly.

I’m against marriage, generally.

To me “jerk” could easily be just as bad as “cunt-slut bitch” said in the right (wrong, rather) way, and depending on the history.

Name calling is a seriously fucked up thing, though. It shows that a couple is attacking who each other are, and that’s an ominous sign. Frankly, I don’t think there is any point in wondering who is “the bad guy” in a relationship like that–the issue is that both people are obviously miserable, and something has to be done to change things.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have to add that my husband and I do have this elaborate in-game of name calling, which a stranger might read as “verbal abuse” (though we rarely do this in public). However, the one reason we can joke about it is because we have never once, not in 5 years, called each other a bad name in ernest.

I would have to go with the intent, and not the lexicon used.

Hopefully they won’t be married much longer.

When married folks disagree, and all must at one point or another, the unhealthy thing to do is fight the person instead of the issue. These two certainly sound like they need some counseling. If one will go and the other won’t, just the one can go and still learn behavior-changing methods. I would encourage your cousin to seek counseling. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t; but as masonite indicated, being in a bad marriage is an awful, awful thing.

masonite wrote:
“…Fights were conducted with Silent Gestures, not with words.
…”

Sorry but the first thing that came to mind was Ross and Monica (a la “Friends”) pounding the back ends of their fists together when they argue.

What exactly does “name calling” constitute? It seems like something so nebulous that you can use it to accuse just about anybody. If somebody has been acting stupidly and I call him an “idiot,” is it name calling? Why or why not?

Words are weapons.
Couples nor anyone else should call others mean names.
I teach my son that.
I remember all the bad things my parents used to say to me.

I would say that any insult is bad in an argument. Some words are worse than others, in certain situations. I don’t think his words were any worse, in this situation (I’m not advocating his word choice mind you), what I think is appauling is the fact that either of them would choose to throw around insults at each other, especially in front of a guest. That shows a total lack of respect for either you or her/him, in my opinion.

Their marriage doesn’t sound like it’s meant to go the distance. They should get some help. As one poster said earlier- attack the behavior, not the person.