In a heated argument with your SO, has the words bitch, bastard or something of the like ever slipped your tongue?
And if so; was it a big deal?
Myself, I’ve never thought it to be a big deal. I was always more concerned over the subject of the argument itself.
Now, if the name calling became excessive, it might be a big deal tho’.
Just wondering where I stand with the rest of the SD community.
When I was younger and a drama queen, name-calling during fights with a boyfriend or my husband was no big deal.
Now, many years later, if I got into a fight with a boyfriend and he called me a name, I’d seriously reconsider the relationship. I make it clear from the start that I’m not into that mean fighting, and I really don’t want to be with a man that cares so little about me that he’d call me a bitch or anything else, even if he *was * mad at me.
Everyone has different standards.
In my experience relationships are doomed when one person does not feel respected.
It’s hard to feel respected when someone is calling you names.
For myself, it denotes a lack of maturity I simply couldn’t abide, others may differ.
Now I have called him a Rat Bastard, or Bonehead, but only with affection and a smile, never in real anger, that would cross a line for me.
In general, it’s better during a fight if you can focus your anger on behavior, not personality. “I’m pissed off at the horrible thing you did!” is much less likely to cause long-term hurt than “You’re such a horrible person!”
Of course, it’s hard to control yourself in the heat of the moment … .
No way. Never, and neither of us ever would. (Married 11.5 years.)
I did date one guy who called me a name once, in jest. He quickly learned never to do it again.
I have never even told my husband to shut up in anger. Name calling is right out - like others have said, it’s a matter of respect. I can (and do) get mad at him, or at his actions (and he can get mad at me), but the respect must remain even during the anger. You can’t unring a bell, and you can’t take back a terrible thing said in anger. As adults, you should strive to have better control with people you love than that (people say they lose control, but I don’t buy it. A “loss” of control starts with a decision to get angry.) We don’t argue in front of other people, either - our disagreements are private.
That said, I don’t think we’d end our marriage over name-calling, but I do hope we never let ourselves get that carried away, or let things fester to the point that we think the only solution is to yell and call names.
We have never called each other names; if it was to start now, I would have to seriously question the relationship.
We can argue without the name-calling and things get resolved much faster. I honestly don’t think I could call him a bastard (or whatever) and mean it. I couldn’t even pretend to mean it. He’s just not, even at my angriest.
He is, however, a sexy bitch.
Married three years.
No way, no how.
I’ll call her behavior bitchy, stupid or rude. But her… never.
My wife and I have a way far from perfect relationship; name calling is something that would never be accepted, on any level however.
I’m thinking maturity here. Name calling is for kids in a playground. What possible motives could cause two adults to resort to name calling?
Married 14 years and had our share of fights - never called each other names. If either of us ever starts that kind of behaviour, we’d know it was all over.
We call each other ‘bitch’ and ‘bastard’ all the time. In jest.
We’ve never had a screaming argument, and if those words were to exit our mouths in the heat of an argument I’ll see as my cue out. Actually, the day we start screaming at each other, or having loud arguments I think it would be time to reconsider our marriage, even without the name-calling.
Not married, but at home one mechanism we sometimes use to defuse arguments that are getting out of hand is to call the other a silly name, one intended to make both people laugh; often it’s a reference to some comic book or novel. Or a third person may quipe “oh you two sound so scary and tough, are you trying to get signed up as backup Nazgul?”
We’ve said some nasty things in anger but with some very unusual and drug-aided exceptions, they were true. Just not the kind of truth that you say when you’re not angry; for example, that one time Middlebro told Dad “asking you to listen is like asking a hurricane to turn into a breeze” - sadly, true, and after confirming that the rest of us agreed with Middlebro Dad actually made an effort to listen.
We’ve never called each other nasty names, and wouldn’t under any circumstances. We have the utmost respect for each other. It’s like featherlou said, you can’t unring a bell. If either of us thought it was OK to say those things and mean it, it would indicate that something was seriously wrong. I appreciate how my wife helped me change my life, and she reciprocates. Married eight years and ten months; still haven’t had our first fight.
I guess me and my girlfriend are different, We are both in our late forties, and have been goin round and round for ten years. It’s more like a game to us.
“Bastard!”
“Bitch!”
“Asshole!”
“Slut!”
“Dumfuck!”
“Idiot!”
“Babycakes”
“Manmuffin”
“Sugarbritches”
“BigDaddy”
“Yeah Baby”
…wild sex ensues.
I don’t think I have ever “name called” anyone other than guys I was marking in football games. But that was with intent.
What he said.
Yes, it’s that bad.
If he really thought I was a bitch, then he shouldn’t be with me anyway and if he doesn’t really think that but is just angry and trying to hurt me by saying so, then I’d lose all respect for him and not want to be with him. If you don’t mean it, you shouldn’t say it, and if you mean it, you shouldn’t be there.
My husband and I do the “joke” name calling thing, but the only reason we can as a joke is that we have never ever called names in earnest. Not only is the disrespect others have mentioned an issue, but the lack of control it suggests–your spouse is the person you trust to have your back, and it would make me feel insecure to know that the person i am more interdependent with could lose control to the point that they would say something they really didn’t mean to say. Adults don’t have the luxury to get that angry.
I think it’ a matter of a respect, and more it also can indicate some inner thoughts and feelings that are a sign of other trouble. So for me, yes it’s that bad… but that’s just me. I have a kind of mental lock against abusing (and to me calling names is a form of abuse, maybe not between colleagues or friends, but in a personal relationship yes) someone I believe I love in any way; if I were to abuse them I would have to reconsider what my feelings are exactly. (I do not believe in “love hurting”, ever). That’s just me. shrug
Like others have said, always criticize behavior. NEVER criticize people.
If someone says I did a stupid thing, I’ll agree with their right to say it.
If someone says I’m a stupid person, I’ll lose any respect for them.