Thanks for sharing supergoose. You sound a lot like me :eek: and I’m wondering if I myself have the same thing. …You mention ‘fatigue’, and that it was physical? Mind if I ask what the source of the fatigue was (thyroid, blood sugar) because I’m fatigued all the time, too…but you have described quite a few things I can identify with. I especially was interested in what you describe as the ‘made-up world in my head’ - I have had that, too! :eek: from about age 11 or 12. (I’ve tried to describe this made-up world to people, and they either think I’m just being creative out of boredom or I’m imagining being president or something…they don’t understand it’s not just daydreaming, but there is an actual other world. in my head). Mind if I ask, what form does your fantasy world take, that is, do you have a series of characters ? Do they ever change through the years?..I’ve always felt something was ‘wrong’ with me, and have been quite unhappy all my life. 
Only wish I could ignore my negative feelings. I also suffer from depression and anxiety, and have a brother who is severely mentally ill…I’ve lived a lot longer than you, am glad you are getting treatment and wish I had been able to get help years ago. I have had close relationships, though, been married a long time and have a wonderful daughter, and have also had a few close friends, but I am pretty closed off from society now…tell me, anyone: is it possible to have varying degrees of a personality disorder? can you be only slightly narcissic, or schizoid?
Thank you for sharing that, supergoose. I’m another who sees some uncomfortable likenesses there, particularly in the “made up world in my head” thing, and it has given some food for thought.
Wow, thank you for sharing that, Supergoose, I’ve learnt a lot and have a different level of understanding of the disorder now.
[quote=“Blackberry, post:26, topic:502164”]
… I wouldn’t say he treats me like trash. More like he holds me to ridiculous standards and then gets mad when I don’t live up to them.)
You know, this is essentially what all abusers do, or rather, this is what abuse IS. Whether it’s physical abuse or emotional abuse, abusers feel entitled to lash out (or constantly but calmly criticise their victim) for not meeting up with a standard that is simply impossible to live up to. And when victims do, they move the goalposts. They get to excuse themselves because “you are making me do it”. Just because the standard he is setting in your case is a flattering one, doesn’t mean the mechanism behind it isn’t the same.
That’s what I got with the ex-wife in therapy.
Constant criticism over the ‘tone of my voice’. Not because I was being angry, or snippy, or deliberately putting any tone in my voice. ANY tone in my voice would set her off. So it came down to being asked to try my level best to put NO tone in my voice when speaking to her. First of all, that’s not really possible or practical. Secondly, as I said at the time, "no tone will quickly become “that tone”. The paranoia driven offense will quickly become “You’re working hard to not have any tone in your voice, so you must be feeling X” (where x = worst possible assumption at that moment)
Okay. I apologize in advance if this is too harsh, but why God why do so many people play this ridiculously stupid mental game?
The duration of an error does not somehow magically make it less erroneous. You admit that you’d have stayed away when you were 21 because he’s a bad deal and treats you badly. Just because you’ve now known him for longer doesn’t somehow mystically make him a better relationship prospect. If anything, it should make him a worse relationship prospect - after all, he’s had practice with this specific relationship before and keeps treating you badly! If it was a mistake then and is still a mistake now, then it’s a mistake and the corrective action indicated would be to DTMFA. The fact that it’s a historic mistake doesn’t matter.
If a shirt is dirty, it’s dirty. Just because it’s old dirt doesn’t make it less filthy.
Yeah, well when I was saying something about narcissism to my mom, she said that sounds like my dad. I really don’t think he’d actually qualify as having NPD, but there could be some similarities there.
I have tried to date the normal good guys, and yeah, they just don’t hold my interest for that long. As friends, they definitely do. It’s not like I seek out drama queens in every aspect of my life…but there’s just not that much of an attraction, I guess.
I’ve also tried just not seeing anybody, but after a while I get discouraged and give up, because I feel like EVENTUALLY it should pay off, and it doesn’t!
I think there are degrees, but if it’s slight enough, it wouldn’t count as an actual personality disorder. Personality disorders have to be severe enough to really interfere with your functioning across several aspects of your life. Otherwise, it could be a problematic trait or something…but not an actual disorder.
Yeah, you’re right, absolutely. I’m not saying that is any better or makes it anything other than abuse. He used to be so calculating and cruel with that. Now, it’s less extreme and usually seems less deliberate, but it still happens.
I know that, and my point is not that it makes him a better relationship prospect. It just means I’m more emotionally involved and it’s harder for me to stay away even if I know I should. It also means I’d be willing to put more effort into working it out than if it was some guy I’d just met, if I thought that would actually help. And since it HAS helped to some degree, or at least it has really seemed to, that makes it confusing.
supergoose, I also enjoyed reading your post and found it interesting.
You’re very welcome, everyone. Thank you very much for your feedback.
Unfortunately, I still don’t really know what’s causing my illness. It’s mostly fatigue and issues my body has with going from lying down to sitting or standing (coping with gravity’s effect on blood flow) and also mild neurological symptoms and a very mild constant headache. For the past few years it seemed hopeful that what I really had was long-term untreated lyme disease, but I’ve been on loads of powerful antibiotics, including a year of IV antibiotics, and am not improved. It’s clearly time to move on to something else, but the problem is, there really isn’t any something else waiting in the wings. I was told by a reputable doctor that it is probably my body being unable to transition to healthy mode from sick mode following an illness and that it would likely improve as I age, but my need for sleep is slowly but surely increasing (13 hours, now) without improvement in my fatigue level during the day, and I periodically get a new mild, strange neurological symptom, so to me that seems to contradict his diagnosis. So basically, no one really knows for sure.
I had ruled out mental causes because my very good shrink has never brought any up, but I realize now that that might be a bit hasty of me. I’ll ask him at my next session if there is any way to definitively rule out any mental component.
I *was *recently diagnosed with allergies (cat hair, dog hair, feathers, dust, and dust mites) and will be starting allergy medication tomorrow, actually, so we’ll see if that helps. I doubt it plays a large roll, though you never know.
I don’t know if you’re being treated for your depression, but I’m sure you already know that that can cause fatigue, so that might account for yours. You might consider seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist for your concerns about having problems similar to mine. I really hope you do pursue this, actually, and I’m really sorry you’ve always been so unhappy. No one should have to go suffer like that, and I very much hope you are able to find happiness.
As for my inner world, I’m sadly not very imaginative, so I have to borrow other people’s fictional worlds. I change them to suit my needs and often mix 'n match. I’m not terribly picky, either. I’ll often borrow a world out of a movie or book I just read, or use a storyline or world from a dream I had the night before. Most only interest me for a day or so. The only ones with real sticking power are (this is kind of embarrassing) the Harry Potter world and Lord of the Rings. The element they pretty much all share, at least until recently, is that they are heavily fantasy based and bear little resemblance to the real world.
I have been creating some much more mundane real life based stories recently, though, which I think reflects progress in finding the real world and normal people appealing and moving towards being able to actually form close relationships in real life. For years I mainly stuck with the Harry Potter world, but I’ve pretty much entirely abandoned it for lack of romantic interests (sorry, Harry). There are a lot of good prospects in Lord of the Rings, provided you’re not above significantly changing a character’s personality (I’m looking at you, Boromir) or busting up a few future marriages, which I’m not.
Anyway, I hope you’re able to get some answers and find happiness, and the same to anyone else who sees some of themselves in my story and suffers from it. And I do think it’s possible to be slightly afflicted with some of the personality disorders (maybe not the no conscience/empathy ones and similar disorders). I imagine there’s a wide continuum, and it’s just that it only becomes a true diagnosable mental illness if it significantly impairs your ability to function in some way.
In that vein, I also wouldn’t read too much into tending to retreat to a world in your (I’m using ‘you’ in the general sense, not directing this to anyone in particular) head, as long as it isn’t really a problem for you and you’re otherwise happy and fulfilled in life. I could be wrong about that, though, so if you’re concerned it’d be worth it to consult someone who would know for sure.
Finally, thank you, **Blackberry **for being so understanding about me hijacking your thread. I hope you’re able to resolve your relationship with your guy to your satisfaction, one way or the other.
Thanks for the kind words, supergoose. I muddle along somehow from day to day, with varying degrees of happiness or unhappiness. :dubious: It is what it is.
However, your mention of an inner world, a made-up world in your head, just about floored me. I’ve never heard anyone admit to having one. You mention it to people, and they think 1) you must be a "real creative type, writing stories "and such, or 2) you must have a “great imagination”, as if when you see a parade, you must be imagining yourself riding in a float! (huh??) or 3) you must be seriously mentally ill! I am all, some, or none of these, lol!
and good luck on finding a remedy for your physical symptoms. I once complained to a doctor about being tired all the time, and this Medical Genius said maybe I should try going to bed earlier! :rolleyes:
Wait–you don’t KNOW he won’t escalate things to hostility and /or violence–you’ve always gone back to him or resumed relations or whatever you want to call it when he has upped the ante (so to speak). You have no way of knowing with certainty how he would react to you cutting him off altogether.
Your daughter complicates things a great deal. I would not feel comfortable having my child exposed to his influence, even it if does “only” extend to her witnessing how he treats you (as someone else said upthread).
IOW, run fast and run far and don’t look back.
However, I’m sure you won’t take this advice–you seem to want your more optimistic outlook validated. Having had experience with NPD, I can tell you he will not change, sees no reason to change and will actively resist attempts change him.