I’ve been feeling really stressed out lately, for a number of reasons. For one thing, I’ve been feeling like crap lately. One of my wisdom teeth is re-emerging and it’s making my jaw somewhat sore. I’ve been feeling very physically tired lately, I sit down for an hour and when I get up I feel like I just got out of bed after 16 hours of sleep, I can barely move. Despite this lethargy I have not been sleeping well, even though I can get more sleep these days than I have been (for reasons I will get into below) I have trouble falling asleep, and I wake early and can’t get back to sleep - then I start feeling tired a couple of hours before my shift ends, to the point I start dozing off, and by the time I drive home I am awake again and can’t sleep.
I’m also feeling stressed over finances and my relationship with my wife. She recently quit her job so she could go back to college. This is going to make things tight for a while (she was the source of more than a third of our income) but since I lived in poverty for years I didn’t think it would be a problem for me at all - but lately I have been worrying about the future. The fact that our spending HASN’T scaled back with the income doesn’t help - she still wants to eat out or order in several times a week, spends money on pedicures, DVDs, etc. From past experience I know better than to bring these concerns up, she gets extremely defensive when I try to to say anything that might be construed as criticism, ESPECIALLY if it’s related to finances - if I say anything I’m pretty much guaranteed to have it treated like some grave insult and have it brought up every day for a couple of weeks. She’s stressed too, but she isn’t refraining from taking it out on me with constant criticism. For a while now I’ve been getting up early to watch the kid while she was at work and doing a lot of the chores around the house, now that she’s home part of the day I don’t have to get up at noon to watch her daughter but my wife frequently wakes me up for other reasons. I have been letting things slide the last few days with the housework because of the crummy way I have been feeling and I hear about it every day. It just seems unfair considering the sacrifices I have been making.
I keep thinking back to last year when I still had my old apartment, and how she suggested a couple of times that if I needed a break I should go there. At the time that wouldn’t have helped my stress (work-related, and I’d still have to go to work no matter where I slept) so I passed, now I wish I had that option, but there’s nothing I can do now. I don’t have any friends I could stay with a couple of days, nor any nearby relatives who don’t have animals I am highly allergic to, and I can’t afford a motel room. I just want to get away before the stress makes me snap and say something that makes things worse. I know most of these problems would seem trivial if I could take a step back but I can’t. Times I have felt like this before have lead to me telling off or otherwise alienating all my friends and avoiding social contact and that worked for me, the good friends come back after a month or three, but that’s not an option here. I honestly don’t know what to do. Whenever I try to discuss the stress I’ve been under with her she acts like I’m complaining about nothing and I’m accused of whining. I’m starting to have doubts about the relationship now for only the second time since we got together 1 1/4 years ago, but I don’t want to entertain those thoughts as I really think this relationship should work in the long run, it’s just that it isn’t working out so great now.
Exercise is usually good for that sort of thing, especially sleeplessness. I’m a confirmed insomniac (he said at 4:00 AM), but a couple of hours worth of exercise will buy me a night’s sleep and a better wake-up. Beat the everliving shit out of something for an hour or so, then run until your lungs burst. Push yourself until your hearing starts to go and your vision grays out. Everything else goes away. Usually, some thought-free time and good sleep make anything is easier to deal with.
My sympathies brother. I can relate to a lot of what you describe, but I can’t offer any easy fixes. My wife is cutting back to part-time at school to stay home with our daughter. It will mean scaling back our lifestyle, but I"m not sure how. It always sounds easier than it is. As Trucido mentioned, excercise is a wonderful out, if you have the time, and if you don’t you should negotiate some.
You might also think about a trip to the doc’s. I struggle with a lot of the same symptoms, but I’m not sure if job stress is causing the way I feel, or if the way I feel is contributing to the job stress. Better to rule out any physical problems (Lyme, thyroid, mad-cow :), etc.) early.
The only real advice I can offer is to stay away from the easy outs. Don’t lash out, leave, or find solace in a bottle. I know this sounds like something Oprah would say, but empathy is a wonderful thing. Why is she stresed? If it’s not your fault, don’t let it destroy you. It used to really bother me when I would get home and find myself tied to the whipping post for things I didn’t do. But once I began to realize that I was the target due to proximity, it got easier.
This sounds so schmaltzy, but keep those lines of communication open. I used to be the type of guy that excelled in withdrawing from society when stressed, and you’re right, the good friends usually come back. But not always. I’ve lost a lot of quality people in my life by going the solo route. One of the toughest things I’ve had to do in my life is to reach out through the black curtain and reconnect with the world. And hey, all us dopers are always here when you need an ear.
I’ve also been one to go into “turtle” mode when under a great deal of stress. My speck of advice:
I think you really need to discuss with your wife the financial situation. This is an issue that has torn many families apart. The stress from financial difficulties also seems to make other, smaller concerns much worse than they need to be. That said, I don’t think you should do it while you’re so frazzled. Take your break anyway you can. If you can make your commute to work/home longer by taking the bus or train, or driving an alternate route, then do so. My commute is 2 hours each way (not recommending you make yours that long) and it is often the only way I can be “alone”. I don’t have to interact with anyone in more than a basic way and it is a great way to shut down without negatively affecting the people you care about. The suggestions for exercise are great too, especially if you can make it a permanent part of your daily routine. Even a long walk would be fine. It gives you a great positive lift and would put you in a much more charitable frame of mind when you do talk to your wife about what’s going on.
Thanks for all your advice. I think part of the problem was a lack of intimacy…I felt 100% better after just sitting on the couch snuggling with my wife today. If I can keep reminding myself why I am with her it should be OK.
Batz, it’s good to hear that things are a bit better. Quick question - do you work a night shift? I was confused by this line:
If so, that’s gotta be tough on a relationship. But I also think (and IANAMC[sup]*[/sup]) that that sort of thing is strengthening to a relationship in the longrun. Good luck.
Having lived the extremely frugal lifestyle for many years than I care to remember, I could teach courses on cutting back on spending. One of the things that your wife may be open to is altering her spending habits on luxury items without eliminating them. Get the pedicures on the local beauty school instead of the full-price salon. Buy more groceries, have interesting/easy things to eat at home so the urge to eat out may be stifled somewhat. Sit down with her and discuss your finances and budgets. Find out what you can cut back on, and what she considers essential to her continued happiness. She also needs to realize that the cutbacks should only be temporary, and a little belt-tightening now can mean a much more comfortable life later on.
I feel for your situation. It is not fun and you’re feeling you made a big mistake.
I also want to point out that I read a book long ago that was a big help and saved my bacon more than once. It was called (I think) “The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense”. The author describes what your wife does when she gets upset when you bring up money as essentially a verbal attack. She gets upset so that you will go away and not bring up money issues. You need to realize that she is doing this and bring it up anyway. If she refuses to discuss, then you need to follow up with action, IMHO. What action/severity you will have to decide. I definitely read in your post that you are starting to have doubts about staying with her so you need to talk with her and give her a chance before you slide further down the leaving path.
Let me see if I understand this correctly:
You married her recently and she has a child, not yours.
She quit her job and has no/little income.
She is going to college relying on you to pay tuition.
She is relying on you to support her and her child.
She refuses to cut spending meaning she is spending your money.
Is this right?
If it is, were you involved in her decision to quit and go to school? Did you have full participation in this decision? Did you agree to support her/her child and pay her tuition?
I don’t want to scare you but you have some scary sounding probabilities ahead. If you agreed to those things above and you split up, she can get you for support since she is relying on you for support now. This support can last several years. If she is not receiving child support, you very likely will be considered the father by the courts and be liable for child support for a long time. Also, if she is spending money, she could easily be racking up credit card debt without your knowledge where you might be liable for half, most or all.
I hope things work out. It sounds like you love her and want things to work out but mentally try to keep a clear mind of what is happening.