Need Advice From Divorced/Seperated Dopers

In My Humble Opinion
21

Been a busy thread since I passed through this morning …

In response to your OP, my marriage lasted 18 years … 2 kids ages 8 & 12 when we parted.

I agree with those who say her interest in another man is a pretty grim sign. I wouldn’t drag things out unless there’s a pretty quick :smack: from her in counseling.

I actually have pretty mixed feelings about the value of counseling. Ironically, my ex IS a counselor … she pretty much went against everything she claimed to beleive in by breaking up our marriage. But it’s at least neutral territory where you can put things in perspective. If there’s any chance at all to fix things, it’ll happen there.

I mentioned that it took us two years to finalize … that’s because we managed to do it w/o a lawyer, which I think is a good thing if it can be managed. Fotunately we agreed up front about the house & kids, so there weren’t big issues to fight over. Just took our sweet time working out a settlement agreement. If you can avoid a nasty lawyer-fed fight, it will be much easier.

As for the emotional pain, memories are a bit fuzzy … invested all the energy I could in my kids when they were with me; spent a lot of time walking alone in the mountains when they weren’t. Worked. Ate. Slept (more or less). Breathed. Put on 30 pounds that I’m still trying to lose 5 yrs later.

It sucks. You’ll survive. Try to find the life lessons in the mess.

22

Never married the woman, although we were engaged - no kids, thank Grud - but I’ve been down a similar path, and I have at least an inkling of what you’re going through. Some good advice in this thread, which I won’t re-hash, but beware of one thing: if you do split up - and in my view if you don’t you’re a fool or a doormat {I was both} - if this new relationship of hers doesn’t work out and she comes back with the “I didn’t know what I was doing, I was an idiot, I swear it’ll never happen again.” line, DON’T BUY IT. A break is a break, no matter how much it hurts, and if she’s screwed you over once, she’ll do it again, if you let her.

In my story, exactly ten years ago, we lived together for a few years, and became engaged: she was twelve years older than I was {I was still finishing university}, and it was a long distance relationship. We wouldn’t see each other for a couple of months, then it’d be all on for the next month, and so it continued. She kept promising to move up to live permanently, but it never eventuated.

She came back after one trip and told me she’d been seeing another guy, which I guess I’d half-suspected - she didn’t know where it was going, loved me but was so confused, needed some time to work things out, etc etc. I was completely shattered, but agreed to give her some time out: I loved her - I was infatuated with her - and grasped at any straw I was given.

After a couple of months, she came back, and I got the “terrible mistake, I promise I’ll never hurt you again” speech: we talked it through, and agreed that I’d move down to the other end of the country to live with her. And so I did. Then she started disappearing into town for days on end - we were living out in the country - and after a couple of times {yes, I know I was a fool: I knew what she was up to but hated to finally face losing her for good} I confronted her, and she admitted she’d started seeing the guy again two days after she got back. Her excuse - her exact words - was “I promised too much.”

To my eternal credit, I didn’t beat the shit out of her. I calmly called the airline, arranged a flight back up the next day, and then proceeded to get stinking, howling, bawling, puking drunk on a bottle of bourbon. She drove me to the airport the next morning, there were more tears from both of us in the car, and then we arrived at the airport. She turned to me, crying, and asked “Are you really sure you want to do this?”, and my “Yes.” was the hardest word I’ve ever spoken. I got on the plane, and never saw her again. She was the love of my life, she broke my heart twice, and if I’d let her she’d have done it again.

Sorry, Inigo: I didn’t mean to hijack your thread - just to let you know you’re not the only one out there, and sometimes the right decisions are the hardest ones to make. Hang in there, mate.

23

Don’t do counselling unless you think marriage means one committed partner and one uncommitted partner. No amount of counselling will change what your wife is, she is unfaithful, she is traitorous, and she doesn’t belong in your life.

It may have just progressed to innocent kissing, but once a person crosses that line out of a monogamous relationship they will never truly be a monogamous person in that relationship again.

You must quickly hide anything of sentimental value. It’s hard to say how much of a bitch she’ll be when you make it clear it is over.

After that I suggest closing all credit card accounts completely, get your name off them et cetera. That way she can’t become a financial cancer. You’re going to suffer financially from this thing but don’t let the divorce end up generating tens of thousands of dollars of red ink.

24

Sorry Inigo :frowning: No good advice from me - I’ve been divorced going on 11 years now. it’s a blur. But I know the pain you are going through - my ex refused to go to counseling and blamed our problems on me. Just stay close to the kids - they need guidance and love for sure. IMHO, if you can live close to your ex, 50% custody is the way to go. “Weekend dads” seem to get demoted quickly in most situations.

{{{{Inigo}}}}