Need advice on a male-female thing (longish)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have a former coworker who I’ve known for more than 10 years. He’s five or ten years older than I am, married. While we were coworkers, we had a moderately friendly relationship, had lunch or dinner a couple of times, etc. He got a lead on a car for me once, and I had him and his wife over for dinner as a thank you – I’ve had him to parties at my home, etc.

There has long been a low-grade sexual component to what he says and does – enough to bother me, but not enough to call him on. Although I don’t think I’m excessively prudish, I have strong feelings of privacy about my sex life, and I don’t necessarily banter about sexual things with members of the opposite sex. (This is not to say every email joke I’ve ever forwarded has been squeaky clean, but certainly the dirty jokes go to a lot fewer people than the clean ones do, and I think long and hard [heh. she said “hard.”] about who I send them to.)

So the relationship goes on, I have dinner with him a couple of times a year, always at his instigation – I’d be happy to let the “friendship” drop, but it’s easier to just say, “fine, let’s have dinner.”

This past Halloween, he sent me a hand-drawn card (he’s an artist) that I considered over the line (witch, broom, crotchless panties… not funny, and not appropriate), and I was like, no, now he’s gone too far.

He called me up last night to ask me to dinner. I was very curt with him but somehow ended up agreeing to have dinner with him next week. (Yeah, I know, what a wuss.)

Okay, that’s the story – here’s the question. I do not want to have dinner with him, and I don’t want to maintain a relationship. I’m guessing I can’t just stand him up – do I have to call him or can I just write him a letter?

(Sorry – you were expecting a better question?)

2

Call him and tell him that something came up. Don’t explain what. And start being “busy” any time he calls. This guy is up to no good.

3

You don’t think that’s too… passive? Part of me really wants to say, “Look, this is creepy and inappropriate, and I don’t want to have anything to do with you, you dirty old man.”

4

Yes, I like the passive aggressive approach, too SnoopyFan.

I’m busy, out of town, on deadline, contagious. Rinse. Repeat.

5

I agree with the always-busy approach. If you confront him directly, you’re going to have to come up with specific examples and argue about whether his behavior was reasonable in each situation. It sounds like no matter how well he behaves from now on, you are no longer interested in having as close a friendship with him as he wants to have.

The best solution is to just cool the friendship, by not being available to do things and by not reciprocating contact beyond a certain level, if at all. I don’t really think it’s passive aggressive, I think you’re just redefining your relationship to be what you want.

6

What do you want out of this? As in the final result.

What I’m hearing is that you want to let him know why you don’t want to be friends with him anymore. It also sounds like you’ve been uncomfortable with the sexual component he’s brought to the relationship from the get go. What are the obstacles you face in telling him that ? Is it that part of your mind will feel better about doing so if you have permission (not that you need it, you don’t, but sometimes it makes it easier).

In that case, you have my permission to tell Mr. casual sexual innuendo acquaintance what you think the issue is, and why you not only don’t want to have dinner with him, but also don’t want to have dinner ever again.

Sorry to hear it, these situations always suck. Good luck to you!

7

Cancel dinner. And send the card to his wife, explaining that, although flattered by his unexpected attention, you’re not interested in her husband.

8

Good idea, DeVena – except, of course, I tossed it immediately – and then went and washed my hands.

9

I agree that you should always being too busy to see him. This guy is a creep. The kind of creep that would try and turn it around to make you look like the bad person. By telling him you were offended by his Halloween card and that things he says to you makes you uncomfortable you will open the door for him to play all innocent and make you look bad. Just my opinion. I’m with you though, I’d want to tell this guy how utterly creepy and sick he is. Dirty old men…hate em. :mad:

10

Tell him you have a date with your girlfriend that night. That should do it!

Or make him try all the harder! :smiley:

11

I agree with this. I have known a few guys like this–the innocent act, the twisting it around and trying to imply that something is wrong with you because you took his oh-so-innocent card the “wrong” way–yadda yadda. Screw that. You don’t want to be put in the position to have to “justify” your feelings to him. Don’t even get into it. Being perpetually busy is a good way to avoid the situation. Be polite to him at work, just always “busy.” Sounds perfectly satisfactory.

12

As he’s a former co-worker and there won’t be any awkward moments at work, I think you should call him up and say you’ve changed your mind about dinner, and that you think it would be best not to be friends any more. If he asks for an explanation, you could say you are uncomfortable around him, or decline to give one. The conversation doesn’t have to last more than 2 minutes, and will save you from risking giving in to future dinner invitations.

I don’t see any reason not to be frank with the guy. It saves you both trouble.

13

My two cents: short of punching the jerk in the mouth. Become very, very busy all of a sudden. Stay away from him!
Of course, I’d probably go with him and make such a scene in the restaurant:D me likes an audience:D :smiley: