This is something I’m not even going to share with my family or closest friends so I’m putting a lot of trust in my fellow posters when I share this and am rather nervous about it for some reason. Here goes…
Yesterday was the first time I was able to talk to the doctor alone since my surgery last Thursday. He didn’t want to tell me some things with my family and fiancee in the room. I’m glad he waited too because it’s not exactly something my family needs to know but I’m going to share it with you and trust the wonderful dopers here to help me out.
The doctor said that the infection in my fallopian tubes was probably caused by an STD like Syphilis or Gonorreah! There’s really not any other explanation for it. He said that it could take 1-3 months to show up and that because it was left untreated my tubes got abscessed and infected and that’s why they had to be removed. I have to go in again today to have the tubes that are draining the infection from my abdoman advanced some more and I am also having blood tests done to check for syphilis, gonorreah, and HIV.
Here’s where I need the advice… I don’t know how long I may have had this STD and I don’t know who I may have gotten it from. I started dating someone back in December and was sleeping with them until the end of April. Matt and I started sleeping together the 1st of May. It’s possible that I contracted this from either of these two men. If I got it from the first guy I’m pretty sure that Matt would have it by now because we’ve been sleeping together for quite some time now. I know that I have to tell Matt about this because if it turns out that he does have gonorreah or syphilis he will need to take antibotics to clear it up before we can have sex together again. I’m just not sure how to broach the subject. I don’t want him to think that I’m accusing him of giving this to me and I don’t want him be angry at me for possibly giving it to him. I’m not sure what to say! I need to figure this out before 4:00 today because he will be home by then and he will be taking me to the doctor at 5:00. I would like for both of us to talk to the doctor about it so we can figure out who he needs to see and what tests need to be ran.
Please help me figure out a tactful sensitive way to talk about this difficult subject with him! I’m not good at handling situations like this and don’t want to do or say the wrong thing. My mind is in a whirl right now because I’ve been going through so much in the last week. I’ve never had an STD in my life and this isn’t the easiest thing for me to share but I shared it with you! Please try to help!
You can be truthful without being brutal, and you definitly need to be truthful in this case.
I think you need to tell him what you told us. I assume he is aware of your past relationships.
I’ve never been faced with this kind of problem, but I’d say stick to the truth and hope for the best.
Good luck
Honesty is the best policy … though it is a hard subject to broach. maybe the best way to do it is to begin with …
“on account of the surgery and being unwell, I’d feel better if you got a check up”
Once that has been broached you can explain that there is a possibility that a sexually transmitted disease is involved. Some STD’s can be transmitted other ways and it’s maybe a good idea to get all the facts at your fingertips before pushing the panic button.
Just a thought
That is a hard thing to dea with after coming out of surgery. I feel for you.
I would have suggested waiting until the test results to talk to your fiance if you are worried about presentation. The doctor hasn’t said “you have this” he has said maybe. It might not be worth it to go through all this if you don’t have a disease. Then, when the results come in you will have to see the doctor again if they are positive, talk to your man then. I am not saying be disshonest, just don’t jump the gun.
On the other hand you might need his support for this. This can be a very emotionally difficult thing to handle, you will need each other. If you decide you want to talk to him today I would just start that the surgery has leasd to more than you thought. It might have had complications because of a disease. See what he says. Then go to say it could be _____ or _______. I won’t say that it is an STD, that has accusing connotations of infidelity etc.
Good Luck and thanks for knowing you could come to us.
I can only speak for myself, as I don’t know how you or Matt would react to this sort of thing. All I can suggest is that I would want to know right away, in order to get tested right away and be able to get treated right away.
Several years ago, my boyfriend (not my current SO) was hospitalized with an STD. Actually hospitalized, he had it that bad. It was a very emotional period of time. If you need someone to talk to, email me - it gets too weird to discuss here.
Best of luck in breaking this news to Matt.
I am so sorry to hear that things went so badly for you… at the same time, I am happy for you that they didn’t go worse, as they well could have.
Rachelle, here’s my $.02 - talk to the other guy first. there’s no ongoing relationship there to screw up, and if he has the STD at least you know where you stand. You can then figure out how to break it to your SO and there won’t be any need to even imply that he might have given it to you. If the other guy DOESN’T have it, then you can reasonably assume your SO gave the bug to you and you can react however you think is appropriate.
I feel for you, hon. This is a horrible thing to face. At least you have recovering from the surgery to buy you enough time to sort out the possible disease vectors before the question of sex comes up.
I would be perfectly honest with Matt. If he respects you enough already, he might not be too upset that he contracted something from you.
However, if he did give it to you, just try to be tactful.
Now my personal experience: I started sleeping with one guy before I even knew I had HPV. He wasn’t the one who gave it to me and he ended up contracting it as well. He loved me enough to be supportive. Now I’m married to someone who I told about it before we slept together and he didn’t care. He loves me enough to take the chance of getting it.
It really depends on your relationship with Matt and if he is mature enough to handle this. Good luck.
{{{Rachelle}}} I’m so sorry, hon. Tell him the truth, that you have an STD, and you want him to get checked for his own health. Tell him that you don’t know or care where it came from, you just want to stop the repercussions. You want him to take care of his own health. To tell you the truth, when you said you had a fallopian infection, my first thought was “uh oh. I think I know what that means…”
Are you at all able to contact the former boyfriend? If there is a possibility he has something, he should know. If Matt tests positive for something, there’s no guaruntee that he didn’t get it from you. Former Boyfriend could be spreading this disease to other women without knowing it. If you write him a letter when you get your diagnosis, you may save another woman from going through what you went through. Or worse. Cervical cancer can be caused by Human Papillomavirus Infection, which usually gets passed along with other STDs. This could be another woman’s life we’re talking about here.
Be strong, hon. If he truely loves and trusts you, he’ll be supportive. Good luck.
I think I would rather talk about this with Matt before contacting my ex. I have a feeling that I’ve had this for awhile because of how infected my fallopian tubes were. I think that what I had was basically PID (Pelvic Inflammatory Disease) which is caused by Gonorrhea when left untreated for long a period of time. (I’ve been researching on the Internet!) I had a few of the symptoms and pain in my abdomen and that’s why I went to the doctor in the first place. I had a full examanation done back in December (about 2 weeks after my ex and I hooked up) and nothing showed up then. I’m just thinking that I caught it from my ex and because it was left untreated I developed the infection in my tubes. If that’s the case, then I’ve probably passed it on to Matt and he needs to be checked just to be safe.
Infidelity isn’t an issue with us, we’re completely faithful to each other so I don’t have to worry about that. He’s never liked my ex though… that could be a problem if it turns out that I got it from him. I’m sure that he’ll be supportive and understanding though. I guess I’ll just tell him pretty much what I wrote in my OP. He nedds to be checked out for his own safety regardless of how my tests come back. I’ll let everyone know what happens!
If it’s easier for you, you could ask the doctor to speak to both of you together about it. Matt has a right to know (and soon) his health as well as yours could be effected. And whether the source was your ex, or Matt himself, Matt could have contracted whatever it turns out to be.
If it were me, I would tell my SO that the doctor mentioned the possibility that the infection could be spread through sexual contact and that I would like him to go with me and hear exactly what the dr has to say in case there is any thing may effect him.
let the dr go into the details… .they are trained for that, and it prevents the possibility of miscommunication
