I’m having problems with my ex-wife. A little history: I divorced her 4 years ago after she started having an affair with the neighborhood drug dealer (she’s also was a user). I also have custody of our children after a protracted legal struggle. As of October of last year, she has by agreement visitation of the boys two weekends a month, and one month during the summer (although I will let her have them whenever she asks). I’ve been remarried 2 years; she’s been remarried 3.
Ok here’s the situation. After struggling to get her to pay attention to the boys, she recently been seeing them on a regular basis, since March. Unfortunately also since then she’s been calling and asking for favors from me. Mostly money, but occasionally a car ride here or there when she and her husband are fighting. The last was Sunday night when she called and asked if I’d come pick her up because they were fighting again, this was at 10:30 in the evening. Worse still she’s started calling me the pet name she used to call me while we were married.
For the most part I’ve refused to help, with the exception of giving her gas money one day. My wife feels that the ex is disrespecting her by making these requests. I agree but am reluctant to confront her about it because she has a tendency to take things out on the kids when she doesn’t get her way. I think that if I confront her, she’ll suddenly start not having time for the kids again, and I don’t want the kids to go through that again. But I don’t want my wife to feel like I’m dismissing her feelings either. Any advice?
Given her history and current marital discord I don’t think her “not having time for the kids” is necessarily a bad thing. The less time they spend with her or over at her house the better. Your new wife needs to realize that the ex comes attached as part of the package with the kids, but this has very real limits and if you are going to weenie out setting limits with the ex because of your fears you may well be be by your lonesome again soon. Your new wife is only going to put up with this BS for so long. Give your ex the number of a domestic violence shelter and a pre-paid cell phone with 100 minutes of time and consider yourself done re getting involved in her domestic squabbles.
Astro Thanks for the advice, yeah I know I’m being a bit of a weenie as you put it. However I’ve had to deal with the boys sense of rejection when there Mom doesn’t come around. Do you have any idea how heart breaking it is when a child feels like his Mom doesn’t care? I’d do almost anything to avoid seeing that hurt in their faces.
I grew up in a similar situation and can give you a little advice based on experience. We’ll take the most obvious stuff first.
Your Ex is a big girl, and is responsible for her finances, car rides, and relationships. You aren’t. I imagine that you’ve got enough to deal with in your own lofe without adding someone else’s problems to the mix. Your total relationship with your wife consists of picking up and dropping off kids in a cordial manner. Anything else is just going to screw up your current marriage, your kids, and your life.
Your current wife is right to feel disrespected. The actions of your Ex are disrespectful to everyone and everything involved here, including the kids, your current marriage, and you. Her actions are an attempt (pathetic one) to get you to feel something (pity? love?) for her. The use of the pet name is designed to pull at your feelings and make you feel guilty. If you let that happen I’ve got some excellent waterfront property at red hot prices that you’ll want to buy. Give me a call.
The gas money was a bad idea, but it’s a worse idea to continue down this path. When you try to set limits, be assured that the kids will hear that “Daddy doesn’t want to help Mommy.” And when were you thinking of wetting the limit? If she’s comfortable calling you at 10:30 on a Sunday night what happens when she leaves her current husband? Will you give her a place to stay? Loan her your car? You’re begging for trouble.
You say that you don’t want the kids to go through the crucible of thier mother not having time for them or using them to get to you. Tough noogies, it’s happening even as you sit there. Rest assured that your kids will figure it out with time, and will form thier opinion of both you and your Ex from this experience. Your Ex and her actions are not your responsibility, and the children will realize even if you do not.
Your responsibility lies with your kids and your new marriage. You don’t mention your current wife other than to point out that she is righteously upset. How is her relationship with the kids? Does she love them, and do they know it? If so you’ve got the answer to your problems right beside you. Show your kids love and respect and watch them grow into people who love and respect others. Show them a battle for affection and pity, and they will grow to have the same attitude int heir lives.
As for the pet name issue, there’s one phrase you should practice saying: “Don’t call me that. You lost the right to call me that when you started f**king that drug-peddling son-of-a-bitch.” Use it in a conversational tone of voice as appropriate.