My cousin died this summer. He was 22. It was in a motorcycle accident 9 days before his 23rd birthday, on his way home form his church softball game to have dinner with his parents, on the road he grew up on. He was an amazing person.
Anyway, I’ve lost a friend before, and a grandparent. But this has been different. It’s been really hard for me to accept. I know other people have lost a lot more, I’m not trying to outdo anyone here. I’m just looking for some tips or ideas on how to not cry every time I see his Facebook page or his Mom - also my cousin.
I just keep forgetting he’s gone, and then when I see his face somewhere I remember all over again that I should have gone to see him, should have spent more time with him, I wanted so much to see the person he was becoming.
BridgeLL, I can honestly say that there’s nothing that will stop the tears. They will lessen over time, and there are some things that you can do to help things along (namely, talking about it), but the faucet is going to flow.
I lost one of my closest friends to cancer when I was 21, she was 20. I still have a good cry around Christmastime each year, over 15 years later. Dammit, she LOOOOVED Christmas. Made candy for all her friends, watched sappy movies wearing fuzzy pj’s, loved shopping and present giving. I grieve for all of the fun she never got to have and the things we never had a chance to share. For some months after she died, I cried pretty much every time I thought of her, which was often. It was supremely unfair (she was an amazing person.)
Remember your cousin, talk about him, tell his mom you are thinking of him, talk to your friends. If things are awful, talk to a counselor or support group. Do some things to mark his life (like donating to charity in his memory.) But don’t feel that the tears are abnormal.
Time. Earlier this year I lost a close relative at 33 years old due to an accident. I knew something was wrong when I’d received something like 11 missed calls from my family in the middle of the night, but I was not expecting her, the person I’d just nagged two weeks ago on the phone into spending Christmas with me, to have passed so suddenly. It was terrible, I have never cried so much in my life, it took me over a month to be able to sleep at night. It won’t be easy in the beginning, but it will get better. Talking to people who could relate helped*, but more than anything, you just need time.
*This might sound mean, but as good as their intentions were, I found myself getting really irritated talking to people who didn’t know what it was like. I know they were trying to help, but I really just wanted them to shut up.
I’m very sorry about your cousin. I am sure this isn’t what you’re looking for, but the thing that will help the most is time. Just be with your family. If you’re up to it, you may find it helpful to do some things your cousin would have enjoyed.
BridgeLL. I lost my beloved grandmother less than a week ago. She was, arguably, the person whose death would effect me the most.
I’ve cried, mostly by myself. It’s normal, never think it isn’t. I’ll miss her more than anyone but I have one consolation, she’s now in Heaven, alive forever, and free of the pain her 107 year old body was giving her.
I don’t know if you are a person of faith, but I know it helps me. And even if you aren’t, they will be alive forever in your memory, forever young.
Cry as needed, and talk about your friend. As others have already said, maybe donate to a charity they liked. Ask the mother if she needs stuff done around the house, she’ll want to talk too. And keep coming here to talk as well, don’t try and hold the emotions in.
The only way dealing with death gets any easier is the realization that there is no wrong way to feel about it. Sometimes you might laugh, sometimes you might cry, sometimes you may get ridiculously angry at them/god/yourself, sometimes you may feel nothing at all. You just have to deal with it one day at a time, honestly. If you feel overwhelmed on a frequent basis, a grief counselor could probably help teach you coping mechanisms.
I would also suggest reading up on the stages of grief, if you’re not already familiar with them. Progression through the stages is not necessarily linear, and you can progress or regress through various stages in the same day/hour/minute. But it can help to figure out where you currently are (am I in denial right now? am I angry?). I think recognizing your feelings and knowing that it’s ok to feel them, *whatever *they are, will help you deal with them.
This quote from Neil Gaiman helped me a great deal when my Father died. I hope it may help you as well. Your cousin would not want you to give your life over to grief.
“You attend the funeral, you bid the dead farewell. You grieve. Then you continue with your life. And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will happen less and less as time goes on. She is dead. You are alive. So live.”
You keep moving forward. As you get older, you’ll lose more and more family and friends at an accelerating pace. There is nothing else to do but keep going.
Guilt is part of the grieving process, by what you say here and it is perfectly normal. The important thing to remember is you did nothing wrong, and because you loved your cousin so much you feel this way.
Crying is healing, let the tears come. When you see something that reminds you of him and you feel the well of tears coming, think of a happy time, or a special moment, and slowly over time, those tears of pain will ease into tears of remembrance and then eventually, remembrance and acceptance.
Many will tell you this, but it is the truth, time will ease the pain. It has only been a few months and the grieving period is different for everyone. The pain may never completely go away, but it will lessen. The most important thing is to never forget the special moments and the happy times - keep him in your heart forever, and he will always be with you.
Sometimes talking to family or friends and laughing and crying over the memories, (silly or happy, special or sad) can be a wonderful and powerful healing experience. Others have found people with similiar situations to talk with, and help each other heal through it.
If things become too difficult, please see a counselor or doctor, your health and well being are important too.