Dopers, I need help.
Does anyone know of a reasonably infallible way to beat a drug test?
Can anyone please tell me how a private corporation conducts its drug screens?
Any respondents will have my undying graditude.
The Coyote gnaws …
but he does not swallow.
The only “infallible” way to beat a drug test is not to use drugs for several weeks before you take one.
Your best bet is to drink as much water as you can without getting sick. I’ve heard the “cleaners” you buy in head shops are worse than useless.
Elmer J. Fudd,
Millionaire.
I own a mansion and a yacht.
What are you testing for? From what I hear, Golden Seal, combined with LOTS of water does a fairly good job cleaning out THC. This is assuming that the bong isn’t burning all day in your home! I think just drinking tons of water to flush out your system is best though…
From what I remember, cocaine flushes out in 3 days, under normal processes. Ecstasy has a half life of 8 hours, so EVERY 8 hours there is 50% less… don’t know if any of this helps. Good luck!
The most rewarding part was when I got my money!
-Dr. Nick Riviera
There is no way to beat drug tests except to not take drugs in the first place! Even if you wait a month they can still test your hair, coming from “The Peyote Coyote” I would say you f–ked up dude! Why don’t you just lay off the drugs in the first place, didn’t you listen in Jr High?
Anyways you can use someone else’s pee if they don’t actually watch you fill the cup, a friend of mine made some bucks selling his clean urine to some Wall Street guy who had to beat a drug test. But like I said the best way is to Just Say No, dude!
I agree with Squee and Elmer. Drink a lot of water and try and flush out your system. Then, if you can, stall for time and don’t do any more drugs - maybe you can get it most of it out of your system, esp if it’s THC. Of course, if your race is tomorrow, and the test is in an hour, then you’re in trouble. But if you’re doing this for work, maybe you can use up your sick days to buy time…
Then drink a lot more water the morning of, don’t use the head at all, and then pray like hell your urine is sufficiently dilluted.
BTW, if you’re going to buy someone’s urine, be sure that you’re both very near in age, sex, race, weight, health, etc. It made for a funny episode of Seinfeld, but they really can tell the difference…
And while it’s unlikely that your drug of choice is opium, just in case it is, buy a poppy seed cake or poppy seed muffins and eat them the night before the test. Then, when the test comes out positive, tell everyone that it was a false positive from the cake/muffins, and ask for a re-test (at some point after you’ve stopped doing the stuff for a while).
Yeah, yeah, patently useless, but I like hearing the sound of my own voice.
JMCJ
This could be YOUR sig line! For just five cents a post, JMCJ Enterprises will place YOUR sig line at the bottom of each message!
How about just taking personal responsibility? If drugs are so great why aren’t you just standing up for yourself and saying how great they are and that you don’t care what the test shows?
As for drinking lots of water, be careful. We just had a thread going about how drinking too much water will kill you. Swells the brain, puts you in a coma then … poof, you’re all washed up.
If you’ve ever done LSD, and they do a spinal tap, you’re fucked. Of course, that is a mite extreme, even for a drug test…
An infinite number of rednecks in an infinite number of pickup trucks shooting an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs will eventually produce all the world’s great works of literature in Braille.
Drinking a lot of water to flush your system will not help. All of the other elements in your urine will also show as being diluted and they can tell what you are trying to do…and yes they will test for it. This came straight from the tester. Also, where I work they test the temperature of the urine, so using someone else’s won’t work unless you figure out some way to heat it up to your body temp exactly. If it is a true to honest drug test…you won’t be able to fake it. There is nothing on the market that will take drugs out of your system for a drug test. Where I work…if there are questions about the urine test they will retest you within 48 hours using a blood test. We are also required to take a breathalyzer test at the same time. No smoking, mouthwash, etc. 15 minutes before the test. They don’t take really well to putting off drug tests, you almost have to go when they say go.
“Do or do not, there is no try” - Yoda
Why not check out the friendly folks at www.marijuana.com ? Sure, they’re a bit, um, militant, but they’re pretty nice anyway.
Yeah yeah, MILITANT pot-users? Well, just check it out, they’re odd.
AvenueB Dude;
My idea of personal responsibility is that I show up for work every day sober and do a damned good job. What I do on my own time is none of my employers business.
As for your implication that The Coyote should become the poster child against drug testing, let me ask you: Do you actively crusade for every cause you think is right?
“I should not take bribes and Minister Bal Bahadur KC should not do so either. But if clerks take a bribe of Rs 50-60 after a hard day’s work, it is not an issue.” ----Krishna Prasad Bhattarai, Current Prime Minister of Nepal
My former husband used Golden Seal.It worked.Also what works is not taking drugs.
I don’t know how much time you have, but I’ve heard of a guy that sells “clean” urine on the internet. It comes in an IV type bag that you can strap to your leg which keeps it relatively close to body temperature. There’s a tube that you somehow attach to the bottom of your pecker with a release valve. But then again, I’m high now and might just be making this up. Just kidding, I actually saw a news story on this one time. Good luck Brah.
Here it is, man. $69.00 seems like a good deal.
URL removed because here at the Straight Dope we’ve had problems in the past with the owner/operator of the company quoted. He’s majorly banned from chat and anything else we might do. Sorry, you’ll have to look him up on your own time.
Also, the name of our site notwithstanding, we cannot and do not advocate the use of illegal drugs.
your humble TubaDiva
Administrator
The Straight Dope
[Note: This message has been edited by TubaDiva]
I agree with Lucky: any job that forces you to undergo a drug test as a condition of employment is not a job worth keeping. Especially in this economy.
You’re only as old as you look.
If you do get caught, don’t give up. The tests are not perfectly accurate and you can always challange the results.
What about the personal honor of keeping your word? You agree to the drug test rule when you take the job? Doesn’t that mean anything? Oh, yeah, let’s screw The Man, he’s keeping us down, is that it?
AvenueB-Dude
No one needs lecturing. If you are offended bu someone’s drug use, move on to another string.
ooops, it must be the drugs …offended by, not bu
renee