Need quick 'n' dirty advice for friend whose husband just left her

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Yes, I’ve STRONGLY urged her to lawyer up, but I’m looking for the kind of been-there-done-that advice that only Dopers can provide.

Background: There are no kids involved. They both have adult children who have jobs, and actual lives, elsewhere.

There is a house and several cars involved.

They are both in their mid-fifties, second marriage for him (divorced), third for her (widowed twice). Married two years next week. She has had a chronic hereditary cancer thing for the last 30 years that means that cancer keeps popping up around her body. Not really sure exactly how they courted and met, other than he was her penpal through mutual friends when she was having surgery for cancer in the bones of her foot, he sent her a picture, they got married.

She had a double mastectomy in January, as the cancer chose to make a reappearance in the form of a large, fast-growing lump in her right breast, so due to her history of cancer (she had a partial mastectomy 30 years ago, at the very beginning of her personal cancer odyssey), they went in there and took all of it. She just had the second of four chemo treatments on Friday. Her hair fell out last week, not the first time she’s been through this (sigh). She is on unpaid leave of absence from a moderately-well-paying office job that she took last September. She thus has no income other than her husband’s salary. I do not know what she has by way of savings or investments, but it probably isn’t much.

This isn’t some storybook romance that came unstuck, this is more like two marginally functional people that came together and couldn’t make it work due to conflicting expectations and lack of interpersonal skills. In retrospect, none of us understand why they even got married in the first place. He, the long-time single guy used to being on his own, working at Caterpillar making good money, and expecting her to keep her lucrative executive secretary job and basically leave him alone, and she expecting to quit her lucrative executive secretary job and stay home and make a cozy nest for him, and have him take care of her.

But no. She started by throwing away a bunch of his 20+ years of “stuff” (“Dear, you don’t really need 15 broken TV sets, do you?”), never a good move, and it went downhill from there. Then she quit her lucrative executive secretary job in Springfield–but didn’t tell him, but continued to drive off as if to work every day, until he followed her one day, and the jig was up.

Things had been particularly bad for the last 6 months or so, and he even told her last fall sometime that he wanted her out of the house by April 21 (their 2nd anniversary). And then this new breast cancer thing came up, and we all hoped he’d do the fine, manly thing and stand by her.

But no.

He picked a fight Saturday night over a trivial excuse, threw some clothes in the car, and split.

So, she, as I said, seems to suffer from a lack of some basic survival skills, being possessed of a sort of naivete surprising in someone who has buried two husbands. She found out a couple of weeks ago that he had made a will leaving everything to his sister; I advised her to get a lawyer to find out what her rights were, should anything happen to him. She was honestly surprised to find that she might have some rights to the house, that she could fight probate if he died unexpectedly; it hadn’t occurred to her. She was just assuming that she’d be automatically homeless. I told her, “No, it doesn’t work like that.”

So she needs some basic advice.

Am I correct in my belief that by his leaving, he put her in a stronger strategic position? Also in that she should stay put in the house as long as possible? Because she was all set to flounce out of the house, “Well, all right then”, assuming that she could come stay in Bonzo’s room (! :eek: ) and the Better Half was, like, “Erm, since Hubby already has possessiveness and irrational jealousy issues, that might not be the best thing…”

Any other tips and tricks for getting through this without coming out totally destitute at the other end?

2

If she has no income, I don’t see any way she can avoid being destitute at the other end.

If she can’t work, she needs to look at disability and see if she has any options.

If she can work, she needs to get a job now.

She needs to contact her doctors/hospitals/whatever and explain that she has no money. Most if not all places have contingency plans for that.

I don’t have much input for the house, cars, possessions, etc.

3

[QUOTE=

Any other tips and tricks for getting through this without coming out totally destitute at the other end?[/QUOTE]

For you? Yeah. Tiptoe away, as quietly as possible.

4

Generally speaking, she’ll probably end up with what she brought to the marriage, he’ll end up with what he brought to the marriage and whatever they accumulated together will be split down the middle. Unless he won the lottery in the two years they were married, there won’t be much to split. Of course, each state is different, which is why hiring a lawyer is essential.

After the divorce, she will definitely be eligible for Continuation of Benefits (COBRA) (e.g. insurance coverage), but she’ll have to fork up the premium + an admistrative fee (TBD by the administering company) on her own. If she’s in her mid-50’s, I can’t see how she could possibly support herself without getting another job. Since she hasn’t been out of the work force long, it’s essential that she job search as soon as she’s up to it.

I’m not sure why you’d want to solicit “down and dirty” advice for a friend who lied to her husband. People who want to be in long-term, trusting relationships do not quit their jobs without telling their spouse and then pretend to go to work everyday. That’s pretty damning evidence against her.

It’s a shame that she’s been battling cancer for years, but I see no reason for her to play dirty with her husband. He left her, yes, but it sounds to me like he has really solid reasons to do it and the fact that she has cancer doesn’t mitigate them.

5

Best advice, get a lawyer and get a job.

Divorce is a negotiation. She may have rights to their assets and/or responsibility to their debts, but the bottom line is that if he wants out of the marriage, he should be in a position to negotiate a settlement to get there.

6

Yeah, I’m not sure why a guy whose wife so totally misled him (she actually made him think she’d kept her job by driving to “work” every day?!) should “stand by” her in this case. He told her he wanted her out. She’s the one who quit her job and carried out a charade, thus depriving herself of her own income.

Lawyer up, and you should stand back and not get involved, because this looks ugly.

7

Erm, it’s “quick ‘n’ dirty” :wink: , and where I come from, “quick ‘n’ dirty” is verbal shorthand for “the Cliff’s Notes Version”. YMMV.

I’m not looking for ways for her to cheat him; I’m looking for the Cliff’s Notes Version of “how to survive a divorce without ending up in the Decatur women’s shelter”.

8

I presume she is moving in with you.

9

She needs to get a job or go on welfare. I don’t think less than two years of marriage will make him obligated to take care of her. Sounds like the rocks in her head fit the holes in his.

10

I was with you until this…

I’m going to ditto Tabula Rasa and tell you to stay right the hell out of this one. She sounds like a sneaky gold-digger (albeit with major health issues) and he sounds like a man who never learned to share his life.

Stay out of it.

11

Oh, sorry then; I misinterpreted it. However, at the end of the day, you’ve hit the nail on the head when you said that she lacks basic survival skills. I’ve been married 18 years and I feel my marriage is very solid, yet I keep a part-time job because you just never know. What possessed this adult to quit a full-time job (which might have included short and/or long-term disability benefits) and leave herself at the mercy of a previously divorced man is a mystery.

What I do know for sure is that it’s not up to you to fix it. Support her and encourage her to talk to a lawyer. Drive her to the Medicaid office if that will help. But she’s an adult and she needs to start acting like one.

I also have to say that your mentioning that the house might be hers if her husband died unexpectedly is downright bizarre. Instead of hoping to be a three-time widow in order to keep her out of the poor house, she needs to start taking steps to take care of herself financially. I wouldn’t assume that she doesn’t have much in savings. I’m only 41 but if my husband died unexpectedly, I’d be one wealthy (albeit heartbroken) woman with the life insurance, the 401k, social security benefits, savings, and equity in the house.