There is a woman in the anxiety disorder self-help/support group that I am a junior facilitator of who is talking while others are trying to talk during the meetings, and disrupting the group. The person she talks with mostly is the leader of the group, who is a very old man (who absolutely should know better, but he might be getting senile). I think the only reason she comes to our group is to talk to him, because she doesn’t participate and doesn’t seem to get anything out of the meetings, even though she has been coming for something like 15 years.
My first question is what I can do, as a junior facilitator who hasn’t been around too long, to curb this woman’s talking. People with anxiety disorders are often non-confrontational, so the person who is trying to talk usually doesn’t tell her to shut her piehole, but waits for one of the facilitators to ask her to shut it. Yesterday, when I did this (politely), she snapped back at me (probably because she’s been coming so much longer than I have). I don’t really want to get into a shouting match with her; I don’t think that would accomplish anything.
My second question is what I should advise the other senior facilitators to do about her and the group leader (they are at a loss, too). We are a drop-in group, so anyone is welcome to show up, but they have asked people to not return in the past if they were bad for the group. If this woman is not participating in the group, not getting anything out of it, and actively hurting the group, I wonder is she should be asked to not come back.
Thoughts? Suggestions? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What did you do to fix the problem? Is it as bad as I think, in that her actions are making the whole group a more negative experience, or am I overreacting here?
I would suggest a one-on-one conversation with the group leader. In a sense, he is the real problem. In any type of organized group conversation, some participants will not participate well. This is to be expected, but managed, by the leadership. So in a one-on-one context, ask the guy “I notice you talk with X a lot during our meetings. What’s up?” This, with perhaps a couple of probing questions, should give you some information about the dynamics at play. Try to bring him around to being the one who ends the inappropriate conversations. If you can’t, I’m not very optimistic about the situation getting better. If I understand it correctly, a group led by someone too senile to address something like this is like a fish rotting from the head.
Use a “talking stick”–some object that is passed around the room. When you hold the object in your hand, you are allowed to speak. Otherwise, you are not–unless you’re one of the facilitators. I think you could introduce it as an excercise/game scenario thingy, and not necessarily run the entire session that way…but it would ensure that everyone gets a chance to talk or pass the stick…
I have no actual qualifications or anything. The above might get you disbarred, jailed, sued, assaulted, ridiculed, etc.
That strikes me as being very close to what is going on (and, frankly, pretty gross. ) This guy not only actively participates in side-discussions, he also indulges in long, rambling, off-topic monologues, and has led the group into a situation where we are a couple sessions away from being out of money. We basically have no leadership, and it shows.
Can you simply separate them? Make sure someone is sitting on either side of him before she gets there? Or are they talking across other people already?
Sorry, I missed this earlier - they will mostly sit together, and if it’s not him, she’ll often talk with someone else. I’m guessing that she talks with other people because she’s bored with the whole thing, which pisses me off even more, because I don’t think it would be a bad thing if she’d just stop coming and wasting everyone’s time.
Is anyone else complaining? Why haven’t the senior members addressed this before if it’s such a problem? Not that there’s anything wrong with how you feel but maybe she just get’s on your nerves and other people are sort of able to play her off since she’s been going for so long.
In any group your always going to get someone like this. She’s not going to take it well if she’s been going to the group long before you got there and apparently no one corrected her before.
This will take some coordination, but when she talks everyone in the room should shut up, turn their heads and stare in her direction, and just listen to her. She probably considers the side conversations as semi-private and will get uncomfortable when she realizes everyone is listening in. Keep it up until she gets the hint.
I think the senior members are kinda wimps. They always support me when I say something about things like this, but they won’t say anything themselves. I think she does get on my nerves more than theirs, too - they are probably just used to her. Part of my recover process has been working on becoming more assertive, and telling her when she’s talking rudely has been good for me, at least.
That’s a very interesting idea; what I could do is ask the person who has the floor to stop talking for a minute, and we’ll all listen to Bigmouth, since what she has to say is obviously more important than the group discussion (said in my nicest, most concerned voice).
At OA, there’s an introduction including “No crosstalk”. Maybe reviewing the guidelines and expectations in general without pointing this problem out specifically?
I can see no other alternative to confronting her along with another, senior, leader and telling her that her presence will only be welcomed if she learns to respect the others in the group. I’d also talk with the senior leadership and tell the old fella she’s always talking to, to cut it the hell out. Lead by example, as it were.
) This guy not only actively participates in side-discussions, he also indulges in long, rambling, off-topic monologues, and has led the group into a situation where we are a couple sessions away from being out of money. We basically have no leadership, and it shows.