I dont ask for advice much but I would like your opinion.
My son wants to spend a couple of weeks up at his grandparents farm next summer. Now normally we only see them maybe a week in the summer and over Thanksgiving during which my wife and I are there. He wants to spend time up there alone with them driving tractors and generally helping out on the farm.
Part of me wants this also but the other part of me wants my son to have good memories of his grandfather (my Dad). The problem is my Dad as he has been growing older is getting harder and harder to get along with (as many older people do). He is short tempered and easily gets angry and demanding plus he’s pretty forward with his opinions on things. Part of this is also remembering my wifes grandfather and his last couple of years when he was getting difficult and would get onto my wifes case so much she would leave in tears and I had to ask his son (her father) to tell him to lay off.
Now when I’m up there with him I can tell him to cool it and partly shield my son but I wont be there for this. He really can be an awesome grandfather and a great person when he is in his good moods.
I would also much much love if he could do some “grandfatherish” stuff with him like go fishing or hunting or things like that but lately my Dad has little energy and quite frankly spends much of his time sleeping or watching tv. Frankly I dont know how much time he has left but when he does go, I want my son to have only good memories of his grandfather.
On my Mom (his grandmother) I dont see a problem because she is easy to deal with. I’m hoping she can arrange some playdates with other kids his age in the area.
Again, I’d like to have my son spend quality one on one time with his grandparents but I’m concerned it could turn bad if they have a blow up and it could sour my sons lasting impressions of his grandfather. Basically I want him to be remembered as a loving grandfather. Not as an old grouch.
Right now I’m thinking of letting him go but also preparing him to deal with problems as they arise. Also talking to my parents about preparing for his visit.
So I’d like to ask:
Did you all have good lasting impressions of your grandparents?
I think the age makes a difference. If he’s old enough to understand, a good talk about the issues and ways to avoid setting grandpa off might be enough to make this a worthwhile experience for him.
Can grandma intervene? Will she?
And because I worry, can grandpa safely teach him the tractor? Those things can be very dangerous.
My grandfather was a raging alcoholic so can’t help you there but my dad is a crotchety old fart, loses patience easily, yells a lot etc but he never has with my kids. Although I don’t think he or they would last more than a few days together, I’m pretty sure he’d be patient and willing to do stuff with them
I sent my son to spend a week with my parents and it was a nightmare. Your dad sounds like mine was. My mother was just devasted to see him verbally abusing my son. He (my dad) was a very gentle and funny guy until he hit his 70’s. I didn’t realize how bad he was getting until my son called me I tears. Wish I’d never sent him.
Kids have to learn to navigate different adult personalities and house rules. They need to learn that just because Mommy and Daddy allow them to get away with certain things, doesn’t mean that those things are okay all the time.
I also don’t think there’s any need to protect a kid from less-than-rosy memories of a person. Your son has less-than-rosy memories of you, and I’m sure he loves you just the same. I have fond memories of my maternal grandmother (who is still alive), but I sure as hell can rattle off the times when she said something mean and unkind. I still care about her, though. Everyone has a good side and a bad side. Kids shouldn’t be sheltered from this.
The single most vital piece of info is the one that the OP didn’t give us: the kid’s age.
But since he mentions driving a tractor, I assume he’s 14 or older. And that’s plenty old enough to spend a few weeks away from mommy and daddy.Developing a little independence is a good lesson* . And if he learns that sometimes adults act badly, that’s a good lesson, too.
The single most vital piece of info is the one that the OP didn’t give us: the kid’s age.
But since he mentions driving a tractor, I assume he’s 14 or older. And that’s plenty old enough to spend a few weeks away from mommy and daddy.Developing a little independence is a good lesson* . And if he learns that sometimes adults act badly, that’s a good lesson, too.
The kid seems to have taken the initiative, and wants to go to on the farm. (I assume you live in a city,right?) It’s a good experience to do something different.Go for it.
Is he 5? Going to be driving the tractor sitting on Grampa’s lap?
Or is he 15? Going to be driving the tractor for his Grampa?
Without knowing, it’s awfully hard to offer advice.
If he’s old enough to drive the tractor then sit him down and explain. He’ll understand that Gramp’s is old and difficult, maybe not at his best. Give him cash for cab and a bus ticket, tell him to call if he’s leaving early or needs advice or help. Make him think about it for a few hours before deciding.
Then, have faith that he can navigate it on his own. And, quite possibly, better than you. A young Grandson’s engagement could shift Gramps into a gentler place for a spell. They could have a wonderful time together. Even if the guy is cranky as ten men, his Grandson will still see something to love.
Because we’ve all buried a cantankerous old relative who everyone found impossibly difficult. What was that y’all were saying to comfort each other again? Oh, yeah, “I loved that old bastard!”
Everyone will survive. It will be a learning experience for your son. And you can’t control what his take away will be from the experience, so relax, have a little faith.
If he’s old enough to drive a tractor, he’s probably old enough to understand that people change as they get older. It’s not easy getting old. It makes people frustrated.
I may be a bit biased, both my grandparents are alive and I live with them.
It’s a rite of passage to get yelled at by your grandfather for not doing something the right way even though I’m doing it exactly as you told me yes Grandpa I know how to change a tire see it’s working.
Depending on his age and temperament. Does you son get mad and go off the handle? Even if he does sit down with him and explain your worries. give him an out if necessary. That is he can come home early.
He will create memories that will last him a life time. I bet he will work hard for his grandfather and want to return again and again. And if there is any bad times with his grandfather I will also bet that by the time he gets home to you he will have forgotten any bad words sais to him.
Man I wish I could have spent some time with my grandparents. My boys still remember their time with theirs. And as a results let me spend time with my grandchildren.
He will be ok. If necessary use the phone to talk with him at night, it will be good for you.
And when you talk to him on the phone your job is not to talk but listen.
Your father’s attitude with your son might be very different from how he behaves wrt you and your wife. That’s certainly the case with my mother who became extremely unpleasant with my brothers , their spouses, and myself but is perfectly nice with her grandchildren.
Also, what’s the worst case scenario? Your son will have a not so great week? On the other hand, he might regret not to have spent this week with him once your father will pass away, and resent that you prevented him from having what he assume would be quality time with his grandfather when he still could.
Also, he might see that his grand father isn’t perfect and had bad sides? So? It’s not going to scar him for life, and won’t necessarily makes him keep bad memories of him.
Asking about people experiences with their grand parents is a bit pointless, since some had horrible grandparents, and others terrific ones. However, I can tell you something : my grandfather on my father side was by all accounts not a nice person. In fact, not only I never got to meet him but also I was told he was dead. And I nevertheless regret not to have had the opportunity to know him at least a bit.
ETA : seeing that he’s 15 : then of course, you should defer to his wishes. I thought you were talking about an impressive 10 yo or something. He’s supposed to be an independant and responsible adult 3 years down the road. Surely, you should let him decide about the contact he wants to have with his relatives.
I was raised on a farm, and am glad to be off it. It’s hard work and everything smells and is dirty.
But yeah, I have good memories.
The problem sounds like you want your son to have memories but the memories you think he should have.
So what if your son goes up to be with his grandparents and the grandfather is “mean” to him. You know what, so your son learns a life lesson, not everyone is agreeable. This could be a much more useful skill for him to have than any “great memory” he may have.
When you look back at things, every person’s opinion is different. You can’t shield your son from having bad things happen to him and everything certainly doesn’t need to be a Hallmark moment.
As for safety, yes farms can be dangerous and your son will have to watch himself, just as he would anywhere else.
The more things a person can experience, and the more viewpoints he is exposed to, I feel the better off he’ll be, even if they are not the ones you’d choose for him.
If he wants to go, let him go. He is old enough to understand the dynamic with his grandfather and that older people sometimes develop unpleasant quirks. As others have said, though, the grandfather may surprise you. Clearly your son doesn’t feel apprehensive about spending time with his grandfather, so that’s something right there.
Some of own person best memories are of spending a couple of weeks every summer with my grandparents as they worked the great-grandparents farm. As a city girl, I found time on the farm offered a good and valuable contrast to the life I ordinarily lived and taught me the value of different skills in different places. I had chores to do - worked pretty hard as I remember - but I was always eager to go and sad to leave. Family farming is a way of life that’s disappearing. Let your son get to know about it while it is available to him.
