Need some serious help from the SDMB grammar & editing Nazis for a good cause

A dear friend of mine has a one woman operation where she trains mobility and assistance dogs to help mobility impaired people. She runs her program on a very tight budget, and relies largely on donations from local service groups and individuals. A situation has occurred where one the dogs she is training has a potential hip problem.

She has constructed a letter to go out to various potential donors, but I think it needs some serious editing and tightening up. She freely acknowledges this, and has given me permission to ask the grammar and editing mavens of the SDMB for their suggestions to make it a more coherent document.

She is one of the most dedicated and hardworking people I know, and has to struggle with her own mobility issues in doing this work. It is for a good cause and any suggestions are appreciated. I have XXed out the organization name for privacy reasons. If any dopers have an interest in what she is doing to place mobility dogs email me, and I will send you a link to her website.

Check your email. I can’t promise perfection, but I’ve done what I know how to do:)

HERE’S A QUICK AND DIRTY ONCE-OVER. GOOD LUCK FROM ALL OF US NAZI PARTY MEMBERS.
Dear Supporter;

XXXXX Service Dogs, Inc. is a locally owned and operated mobility Service Dog training organization located in xxxxx, MD. We rescue abandoned and abused dogs and customHYPHEN HERE train them to become Service Dogs to help people who have mobility disabilities due to a variety of medical conditions including injury or illness. These dogs are customHYPHEN HERE ** trained to assist with various tasks that include pulling wheelchairs, picking up and bringing items, opening and closing doors/cabinets/drawers/fridges, helping with clothing, as well as many other invaluable and independenceHYPHEN** **HERE **enabling tasks. Each dog is brought directly into the trainer’s home and is taught how to conquer their–SUBSTITUTE “HIS OR HER” past difficulties. They are then extensively trained in how to assist ‘HELP’ IS BETTER a prospective disabled partner overcome the challenges of their **‘HIS’ OR ‘HER’ ** disabilities so that the individual will I’D CUT ALL THIS AND JUST SUBSTITUTE ‘AND’ have a life of increased self-sufficiency, greater dignity, as well as the emotionally supportive love of these wonderful working dogs.

Kayne, a rescued Doberman who was originally left in a backyard to starve to death and was then almost put down due to an infection, has trained with xxxxx Service Dogs for a little over a year and a half. He has been specifically set aside so that he will be available for an as yet to be determined **IS THIS IMPORTANT? I’D JUST SAY ‘A MEMBER’ ** member of our brave military forces who has been injured while fighting in the Mid East conflicts. Kayne has mastered many hurdles and in now starting into more advanced training. While he was initially given a clean bill of health on his hips I’D CUT THIS when he came to xxxxx Service Dogs, recently AND THIS he has developed symptoms in one of his hips that may or may not be **AND THIS ** a problem with him going on to assist a future disabled partner AND THIS. We won’t know until he gets an examination done using the Penn Hip diagnostics. This requires full anesthesia along with a number of x-rays to determine if the hips are sound and, if they are, whether or not **AND THIS ** the symptoms currently showing ** AND THIS ** will progress to a difficulty in performing his Service work at a later date. I’D JUST SAY ‘PREVENT HIM FROM PERFORMING SERVICE WORK IN THE FUTURE.’

As he has not yet had the portion of his training of flying I’D SAY “TRAINED YET TO FLY” along with a partner in an airplane or stayingi’D SAY “OR TRAINED TO STAY” in a hotel room, his trip to Philadelphia will also be an advanced training session as well as a medical necessity. Unfortunately, the cost of doing so is not small, especially in finding aI’D SAY 'THE TRAINING IS EXPENSIVE, ESPECIALLY THE" nearby hotel that will readily accept such a large dog. Fortunately the U of Penn has one on campus that accommodates dogs up to Kayne’s size and as it is right there, it will not be as much of a hardship for him to I’D SAY 'WHICH WILL MAKE IT EASIER FOR HIM TO" get back to the hotel after coming out of the diagnostics and anesthesia.

In addition, **INSERT ‘THE’ ** U of Penn’s vet school has generously offered a program that provides a discount to Assistance Animals so that SUBSTITUTE ‘WHICH’ will also help to defray the final medical cost. Unfortunately, that total will not be known until his condition has been fully assessed.

We are currently conducting fundraisers and requesting donations and sponsorship to help meet these costs so that Kayne can be checked DO YOU MEAN ‘EXAMINED’? but we have not yet reached our estimated target goal of initial expenditures. Below is a list of **INSERT ‘TRAVEL, TRAINING AND MEDICAL’ ** expenses that will be incurred in his travel training and initial medical evaluation **CUT THIS ** . Your donation or assistance in securing funds will help us immensely in achieving that goal of getting him assessed soon. Any amount of donation will be greatly appreciated and will bring us one step closer to getting him the medical tests he needs. Thank you for your consideration in helping Kayne with this vitally important examination and training so that he can reach his goal of becoming a Service Dog to assist one of our disabled military heroes in need!
EXPENSE DESCRIPTION AMOUNT
Rndtrip Airfare From xxxxxxxxx to Philadelphia (include tax & fees) $411.50
Hotel Room @ Univ of Penn (includes 7% state & 7% city tax)(2 nights to allow for full testing) $515.00
Airport Shuttle transfers – 2 trips $40.00
Meals for 2 days $70.00
Meds for Kayne for transport anxiety should it be needed $10.00
Penn Hip Diagnostic (approximate cost) $400.00

TOTAL $1,446.50
Sincerely,
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Founder & Lead Trainer
xxxxx Service Dogs, Inc.

It’s way, way too long. No one keeps reading that much–it’s human nature. I’ve basically tightened it up here and move the positive stuff about the dogs to the top.

Dear Supporter;

Service Dogs help people who have mobility disabilities. These dogs are custom trained to assist with complex tasks, including pulling wheelchairs, fetching items, and helping with clothing. Service dogs give many individuals a life of increased self-sufficiency, greater dignity, and the emotionally supportive love of these wonderful working dogs. XXXXX Service Dogs, Inc. is a locally owned and operated mobility Service Dog training organization located in xxxxx, MD. We rescue abandoned and abused dogs and custom train them to become service dogs.

Kayne, a rescued Doberman who overcame near-starvation and a life-threatening infection, has trained with xxxxx Service Dogs for a little over a year and a half. He is one of the dogs we have selected to begin training in anticipation of an increased demand for service dogs for war veterans. Unexpectedly, Kayne has developed symptoms in one of his hips that requires a specialist to diagnosis and develop a treatment plan.

The costs of this procedure are not insignificant: although the U of Penn’s vet school has generously offered a program that provides a discount to Assistance Animals, the total will not be known until his condition has been fully assessed.

Kayne’s training to date has been possible due to significant donations, both of time and money, from the community. However, additional funds are needed to complete the process. We are currently conducting fundraisers and requesting donations and sponsorship to help meet these costs so that Kayne can live up to his potential. Below is a list of expenses that will be incurred in his travel training and initial medical evaluation. Your donation or assistance in securing funds will help us immensely in achieving that goal. Any donation will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your consideration in helping Kayne so that he can reach his goal of becoming a Service Dog—you will be giving both Kayne and a veteran a new life.

EXPENSE DESCRIPTION AMOUNT
Rndtrip Airfare From xxxxxxxxx to Philadelphia (include tax & fees) $411.50
Hotel Room @ Univ of Penn (includes 7% state & 7% city tax)(2 nights to allow for full testing) $515.00
Airport Shuttle transfers – 2 trips $40.00
Meals for 2 days $70.00
Meds for Kayne for transport anxiety should it be needed $10.00
Penn Hip Diagnostic (approximate cost) $400.00

TOTAL $1,446.50
Sincerely,
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Founder & Lead Trainer
xxxxx Service Dogs, Inc.

Manda Jo worked harder than I did, and revised more thoroughly. Go with hers.

Thanks so much for all the editing help you editing mavens have contributed so far, it’s a great help!

I agree with Manda Jo — way too long. And too detailed. There’s no need to itemize – no one would quibble if you just noted that airfare, hotels and testing cost about $1500. Use the space to put in pictures of the dog and trainer, preferably in a scene recognizeable as a training session. Also, she should plan a follow up mailing to the same group to let them know the outcome.

This is the kind of a story a local TV station would eat up on a slow news day. She should be talking to alocal news directors and trying to get them to run a story about their heroic neighbor (dog) in need. There’s a fair chance the public would send in sufficient money. All you gotta do is make a connection with one dog lover who’s feeling a little verklempt and has some extra cash.