Need Some Support

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hi all: I’ve been here quite a while in Doper-Time, and lurk everyday but don’t post much.

However, now I need a bit of insight into a gnarly situation I am in. I’m not asking for medical/psychological/etc advice, just some input.

I am in the process of breaking up with my partner of eight+ years. I haven’t loved her as one should a romantic partner for about half that time and we have slept together (literally and in the sexual sense) twice in the last three-four years. The break-up was initiated by me, but several days later she agreed that we no longer have the right ingredients for an intimate relationship.

I’ve always know that she was lying about some very, very major things that have come to negatively affect me and she finally admitted to these things in the heat of discussion. So, I’m angry about these lies that have been hurting me for a long time.

She has major IRS issues, no checking account, no savings, none of the cars nor house is in her name, only credit card she carries is on my account. In short, she’s a 50-yeard old non-adult as far as money and credit are concerned.

When we got together she was going through chemo for cancer – at least I think she was, she was very secretive about it because we were dating and she said that she didn’t want it to be part of our relationship. A day after we broke up she announces that the cancer is back and it seems that she has actually gone for MRIs and blood work and I checked the incoming calls and the doctor’s office has actually called a few times. I hate doing this, but I feel so hurt and suspicious from the other long-term lies that I need to make certain of this for myself.

She has always had a very volatile temper and swings from happy one moment to utter rage and back again. A major issue for me is that she doesn’t see as a problem. I walk on eggshells around her and my dominant feeling after breaking up has been of great relief, almost as if I’ve been abused and it has finally stopped. She’s obssessed with what other people think about her and even now is spinning the break-up story to make it seem, if the cancer is back, that she’s not being abandoned and we’re working on staying together. It seems the truth would be just as well, but that’s her method of operation: doesn’t want anyone to think she’s being left and pity her.

This is all to say that I recently ran into a description of Borderline Personality Disorder and it fits to a “T.” Lies, manipulation, deep hurt over perceived wrongs, binge eating, feelings of emptiness, threats of suicide, fiscal irresponsibility, labile mood changes.

So it looks as if I’m in a Hell of a spot. I do love her as friend/family and would never make her leave if she is sick. In fact, I am actively encouraging her to stay while the diagnostics and treatements are worked through. I’m just having trouble dealing with some truths that have emerged and, frankly, am feeling as I’ve been in an abusive relationship. I’m seeking out other people and making friends with whom to go stay on the weekends and get a break, but she demands to know where I am and calls constantly. I need space and time to be away from all this tension and work on myself, but she’s holding on tighter and tighter.

Any insight, suggestions, support, critiques welcome. Thanks, Doper Friends. J.

2

This. This tells you that you have made the right decision.

Don’t stay out of a sense of guilt or obligation. It won’t matter to her. You need to break off contact completely for your own peace of mind, and to leave yourself open for when you do run into your soulmate.

Don’t mourn for something you never had. You can’t be there for her anymore. It’s too hard on you.

3

I can’t abandon her to die alone; despite all the problems as a couple, I do love her and couldn’t bear myself if I did this. Do you see any middle ground?

4

Damn. What a sucky situation.
My oldest daughter has BPD, and it truly sucks.
Is there any way you can find out for certain if she really is terminal? (If she is BPD, you surely can’t take her word for it, trust me on this).

You don’t even need to be secretive about discovering the truth. Just tell her, quite bluntly, that she’s lied to you enough that you simply cannot trust her to be honest with you. Tell her you don’t want to abandon her if she’s really dying. But. . .she may not have cancer. Even if she does, it’s not the death sentence it used to be. You need to find out the truth, and you ain’t gonna get that from her!

If she really is terminal, you’re the only one who can make the decision of whether to stick around. But even if you do, you shouldn’t do it as a “romantic partner”, just as a friend. I would strongly suggest that if you do stick around, the two of you find a counselor, so you can set some clear boundaries, requirements, etc.

If she wants you to stick out the end with her, but won’t see a counselor with you, then she doesn’t want you around badly enough. That’s her choice. If that’s the case, my best advice would be to cut and run.

It really is a difficult situation, and I wish you the best!

5

Not if you’re the only one willing to move to the middle. From what you posted, she seems like a manipulative, volatile person and you are afraid to be yourself around her for fear of setting her off. That is not a healthy situation.

You don’t want her to be alone. The problem is, if she were a nicer person, she wouldn’t be alone. Normally, when one is diagnosed with cancer, you have to beat off the friends and family with a stick. If you’re the only person willing to stand by her, doesn’t that tell you something about the type of person she is? Even now, when you’ve broken up, she demands that you tell her where you’re going and who you will be with.

I know you love her, but don’t be a martyr out of misplaced feelings. This is a rough situation. But you love someone who is nasty and hateful and lies to you. Why do you think you owe her?

6

I just want to make sure I have this straight. Am I correct in that you don’t know for certain she has cancer? I mean, even seeing paperwork from the insurance company or something? I ask this because I have a sister in law who I believe in the strictest sent of the word is a narcissist. She can take one tiny particle of a situation and exponentially inflate it, i.e., my nephew had the runs (fact) vs. (she says) he has IBS (fiction). In other words, maybe she is being treated for SOMEthing, but much more mundane than cancer.

Is that something to consider, or did I competely misinterpret what you said?

I agree with the tone of what others have said. I think you have an inflated sense of loyalty, bless your heart, but if she has other family, I would think they would be rallying around her too.

And ivylass is on the mark. If relief is what you are feeling, you’ve made the proper choice.

7

You seem to be a genuinely good and supportive person.

It seems amazing that her recurrance of illness coincides exactly with your need to be free.

I agree with others here - please find out for sure if she’s really ill before you make any further decisions.

My heart goes out to you for sufferning in this situation for so long.

8

What do you guys share? A house? An apartment? Pets?

It sounds like you truly love and care about her as a friend. You don’t need to live with her or be with her all the time if she’s your friend. You can help her by helping her find somewhere else to live (or working out some way for you to live apart). You can help her find community support for people in her supposed condition - both medically and financially.

You can help yourself help HER by being away from her. You can make yourself un-reachable for spurts. You DO need to get UP and OUT by getting yourself out from underneath her, getting right with your own head and heart, and then you will be able to help her out at an arm’s length and not feel like like are in debt to her.

In short, you can help her to be able to live her life without you like any adult with no friends or family can do. It will be better for the both of you.

9

Does your former partner have any friends or family to give her support? I don’t understand why you feel that you have to be the one to rescue her.

10

I really, really want to un-enmesh myself with her. I need to stress that my thinking about BPD is based on some internet research and I’m not qualified to say that she does have it. I don’t want to do counseling with her as a partner or a friend, I basically want her gone, but feel overwhelmingly guilty. I’m also afraid of being sucked back in.

It’s a weird situation, b/c she’s a highly-educated, highly-functioning professional out in the real world.

11

She doesn’t want to tell anyone b/c she doesn’t want their pity (she says) and for them to think that I’m such a good person for sticking around and she’s a burden. She does have some friends, but is very up and down about how she feels about them and (I think) imagines slights and insults when there aren’t any.

I think I owe here because we’ve been through eight years of so much: moving, death of family/friends, illness, and even a lot of fun. I thought, a few years ago, that I had made peace with the things she had lied about when we first met, but I guess not.

The other piece here that I didn’t want to lay out b/c it makes me feel even more like a skunk is that I met someone wonderful four months ago and the way I feel about her is in such stark contrast to how the last years have been that it gave me the courage to put an end to this painful relationship.

12

Deleted

13

How do I do that without hiring a P.I.? She certainly is upset enough to have received bad news and she does have prescription refills from the doc.

14

And if she were a nice person, you wouldn’t be looking outside the relationship for love and support.

You didn’t do anything wrong. She lied to you, emotionally threatened you, and still is trying to hold on. This is not your burden to carry. Wish her well, and get on with the business of being happy. After eight years, you deserve it.

15

Hi Zipper: we are very enmeshed with owning a house, pets, and common bills. Though, as above, everything is in my name. I’m concerned b/c she’s talking about committing suicide is she’s ill again – is it manipulative? Absolutely, but I’m not sure I could live with that.

I’ve started lying about where I’m going and who I’m with (see previous post: I’ve met someone), but I’m still within reach by cell and email. I promised, stupidly, that I wouldn’t date anyone while she was still in the house and I feel like I’ve entered the junior high school sneaky zone.

She has a good support network 3,000 miles away, but says she wants to stay here in the East. I would have her on a plane and out of my life in a minute if I thought I could.

Damn, I sound cold.

16

Having cancer (if she has cancer) doesn’t make her into a better person, more worthy of your support and trust. It simply makes her a manipulative person with cancer.

17

Oh, Ivylass, these are comforting words to me. I keep telling myself that feelings are feelings and we can’t control when the “right” person may come along, but I’m really good at guilt.

18

Intellectually, I know this, but pieces of my heart love her and she is in anguish. I’ve painted her as a villian, but she is a lovely, wonderful, giving person in many ways and has been my support system over the years as well. Just not the right person for me anymore. And I can barely stand to be in the same room with her. Gak!

19

So, in the coming months or years, when you’ve stayed with your current partner out of guilt, will you feel good about yourself? Or will you mourn the lost chance of happiness with the new person? And on the flip side, doesn’t your current partner deserve happiness too, with someone who loves her and is willing to stay with her through her (possible) illness? Be with her because she cares about her and not out of guilt?

20

If you feel an obligation to this person, as any married couple may feel when one gets ill right around the time of a divorce, perhaps you can help pay for an aid, or spend some (well defined) time with her as a friend.

ETA: I know you two aren’t married, for all intents and purposes that seems to be what we are talking about here, right?