Absolutely! This is going to end, one way or another, it’s just the “how to get through this” and deal with a truckload of guilt I’m feeling.
First of all, it seems that you’re answering dishonesty with more dishonesty. Is this what you really want to do? Also, you realize now that you made that promise not to get involved with someone else while she still lives with you, that you’re going to have a hell of a time getting her out of the house, right? Maybe if you told her you have moved on, and were firm about it and not apologetic, you’d be able to get her to move out. Or bring things to a head one way or another. But I can guarantee that you won’t be able to have a normal life and another real relationship as long as she lives there. Not to mention that it’s not particularly fair to the new person in your life, to still be quasi-involved with someone else who you’re lying to about being involved.
Lesbian couple, so domestic partners (married, for all intents and purposes). She would never accept help from someone she didn’t know . . . freaks out if she thinks someone pities her. And, I have no $, zip.
You’re absolutely right, Rubystreak. I’m thinking that I may be the one to leave the house for a cheap apartment and help her with the mortgage here.
The person I’ve (started to be) involved with knows the whole story. I’ve been very honest about not being a free person yet and at each step have been honest about what is happening.
But it’s your house, right? If I were you, I’d help her get a cheap apartment and not the other way around. Don’t martyr yourself here. It’s not wrong for you to break up with her. You don’t have to give up your home because of it either. You said she is a professional person, so she must have a paycheck. It seems like you could, before she moves out, help her get her own bank account, cancel her credit card on your account and sign her up for one of her own. Then, maybe, if you’re feeling really nice, chip in on a deposit for her new place. After that, she’s on her own.
That’s the plan, ultimately, I’m just worried that it’s not going to happen as more diagnostics like a bone marrow test are ordered and she waits for results and treatment options.
I guess I need to watch some detective movies and get on the ball to see if she really is dealing with cancer issues.
Why not offer to go to the doctor with her? Don’t approach it as, “I don’t believe you, I need to meet the doctor myself.” Just, “I’d like to go with you to be supportive and to understand your situation so I can help you.” If she refuses, then I’d be really suspicious.
You’ve decided to move on. Tell her you did make a promise not to date while she’s still in the house, but you’ve broken that promise and ask her to move out. She freaks out if she thinks someone is pitiing her you say - but it seems that’s what you’re doing.
That’s a really good point.
Just some random stuff, since I just woke up from a nap and I’m a little fuzzy-headed.
Go to this site. Read the articles. Register for the forums. See if you can figure out my handle - shouldn’t be too difficult, since I’ve been posting about my latest relationship foibles both over there and on the SDMB.
Second things second: hie thee to a therapist.
Third things third: It doesn’t really matter whether she actually suffers from BPD or not. The behaviors you’ve witnessed are real, and they’ve had a negative effect on your relationship, to the point that you don’t want to be with her any more. That’s all you need to know.
For me, long-term self-esteem issues kept me enmeshed with my now-ex wife for years beyond what a rational or emotionally healthy person would have spent. It wasn’t until I began resolving those issues that I found the strength to “disengage with love,” as they say.
FWIW, my ex-wife had some serious medical issues that may or may not have had the severe effects on her that she claimed. I still left her, and no-one I’ve talked to about it has blamed me for it.
Borderlines like to keep their partners wrapped up in what we “nons” call the FOG: Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. I’m seeing a lot of that in your posts.
Regarding the financial situation, while you should try to come to some kind of fair settlement, don’t stress on whether she actually has the wherewithal to handle her own affairs after everything’s split. If throwing some money at her will make things easier, then by all means, start writing checks - it’s just money - but don’t pay a nickle more, and don’t dig yourself into a financial hole.
That’s my plan, but throughout our relationship she’s never “allowed” me to go to the doctor with her. She has some serious medical issues (arthritis, etc) and has always said that she prefers to do this stuff alone.
I am going to call the doctor and verify the appointment time, etc. I think she may be on the up and up this time.
Thanks, BR. I can’t believe that it’s taken this long for it to dawn on me that there may be issues beyond just personality quirks. Not that I’m perfect, by any means, but when I started to feel some great relief about escaping abuse I started to question what has been going on.
I’l go to the forums and take a look around. Thank you.
She’s always said that I’m one of the very few people who get to be “behind her walls,” something I believe. But, you’re right . . .
Sometimes, when you find yourself “behind their walls”, it’s because you have been taken hostage.
Smart point. I came to the right place for the straight talk . . .
I think you need to change the ground rules of your long-standing relationship now, starting with being a full, participating partner at her doctor’s visits, as far as the law allows you to be. You can simply cite the lies she’s told you as your reason for insisting on hearing every syllable her doctor has to say to her about her treatment. By my lights, that’s just a basic requirement for you to provide her with the best help you can. If she rejects this offer, you can --and should, again by my lights–decide to withhold your assistance, and it’s all on her. You’re good, in every sense of that word, Jennshark.
Thanks, PRR. This will be my next step; it’s a good one.
Your last statement made me cry. I’ve been feeling like such a bad person.
You’re just helping her --emotionally, financially, physically–while taking a minimal amount of care to make sure you’re not being deceived, misled, misinformed, taken advantage of. You’re helping, IOW, on your terms, which are fair and reasonable ones. You don’t need to be abused to make sure that you’re being helpful. You’re her friend, not her servant, not her doormat, and if you need to be reminded of that every so often, just keep posting here and I’m sure you’ll get all the reminders you need.
So if she has a bunch of serious medical issues, how do you know the latest calls/refills are related to cancer?
Not being legally married to her will complicate this, but I don’t think my (legally married) husband could even find out anything about my doctor’s appointments, even something as minor as if I have one or not. My gynecology office required me to leave a password for results over the phone if they call, and wouldn’t accept my verbal and written assurance that no password was fine with me.
From my interpretation of the situation, it’s not really relevant whether she has cancer or not.
She doesn’t want you to tell anyone? Well, isn’t that convenient? Let’s look at the way that plays out in the two scenarios:
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She’s lying about having cancer: By not telling anybody, she keeps you hostage and avoids being outed as a liar.
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She really does have cancer: By not telling anybody, she keeps you hostage too. She makes you responsible for her when she has other resources available.
In both cases, her insistence on not telling anyone is keeping you hostage. That is not acceptable.
And so what if she doesn’t want to “be pitied.” So what if she wants to stay in the east? Want want want. Well, sometimes it isn’t about what we want to do. Sometimes it’s about what we need to do. That’s being an adult. She has resources. She needs to take advantage of them. She just doesn’t want to, because by refusing to reach out to others for help, she gets to stay in a relationship with you. It’s a win-win for her, and a total lose for you.
I recently got out of a 10 year psychologically and emotionally abusive marriage. The issues were very different, but there is something in your narrative that is very familiar to me–putting your partner’s wants above your needs. I’m slowly learning to believe that my own wants and needs are important. And my needs were more important than my partners wants. But even before I actually made any progress toward actually believing it, I did find it helpful to have my therapist remind me of it twice a week. So, I’ll give you a few reminders too:
Your needs are more important than your ex-partner’s wants.
Your needs are more important than your ex-partner’s wants.
Your needs are more important than your ex-partner’s wants.
Hang in there. We’re here for you.
p.s. CANCEL THE CREDIT CARD ASAP!