Cut the ties, babe. You’re not doing her any favors, and yourself either. It sounds like you don’t want to abandon her, but she’s an adult. Maybe you leaving will get her butt motivated to take care of herself; you never know. You can’t assume that all will go downhill for her without you there. As others have said, it doesn’t really matter whether or not she really has cancer at this point. She’s still been unhealthy for you, and the way she’s treated you is what it is.
Guilt. Ahh, guilt. Makes one feel needed and important, doesn’t it. I don’t mean to sound harsh - I’ve had to battle with it, too. I’ve had to realize that I just don’t have so much power over other people that my actions will somehow doom or save them. You’re not responsible for her happiness or her financial situation or how she chooses to deal with her health. You’re only responsible for how you decide to act, and IMHO, you’d be better off doing whatever you can to get out of there. Once you’re actually OUT, I think you’ll have a different perspective on your feelings for her, friendship or whatever.
I disagree about getting entangled in her health issues. Again, there’s a chance she’ll learn to change her behavior if she has to deal with something major without you. And if she’s lying, she might learn that it doesn’t work on you anymore. **Green Bean **is right, it isn’t really relevant. And GB is also spot on about the needs thing. Learning that it was okay for me to have needs and sometimes put them *first *was an important step in letting go of guilt.
I don’t know, it just seems so toxic and your new relationship so full of potential that it’s time to let go. YMMV
Half-love will turn into hate eventually. What I mean is that if you do stay involved with this woman out of pity, guilt, or anything else that isn’t a simple, pure, and mutual desire to be with this person, things will end poorly. It’s not your place to be the martyr here. Be her friend if you can, but if you ever doubt for a second that you cant, then get the hell outta Dodge.
Assuming she’s a functioning, employed professional per your description where has all her money gone over the last 8 years? Why is she financially improverished?
Thanks, all, for your words of wisdom, support, and hard truths.
I told her that she needed to change her Dr. appointment from Sat to Mon or Tues, so I can go with her. She said that she doesn’t want me there b/c she wants this to be private so she can make decisions on her own.
I replied that was fine, but I was going to be gone on Sat and Sun and repeated my request. She refused.
If she’s on the up and up about this, she’ll probably get a diagnosis on Sat; I’m going to be off seeing my new friend, so I’m sure this will be a guilt fest. But I’m going to try and not play the game and be guilted into staying home or sticking by my cellphone.
I have pulled back a lot this weekend, which is what the readings I did on BPD (thanks Black Rabbit!) recommend. I’m treating her with kindness, but avoiding cancer drama or being sucked into a fight.
The relief I’m beginning to feel at the prospect of not having to be an everyday player in her drama and walk around on eggshells to avoid the “rage game” is amazing.
If this really is BPD, there is no middle ground, and there is no compromise.
I’m about 99.99% sure my mother has BPD, but BPD being what it is, she will likely never be diagnosed because in her mind (and in my father’s) there is no problem.
My sympathies for you, but if this really is BPD then you are far, far, far better off without her. You will not change her.
Let me repeat that: You will not change her.
It will not get better, she will not get help at the therapist, she will not become more understanding or accept her disorder. So, either you let yourself become fodder for her twisted games or you cut bait and run and save your sanity.
Here are a couple of resources I have found helpful over the years:
What doctor’s office is open on a Saturday? :dubious: I have a radiation treatment scheduled for Saturday, but that’s only because they’re trying to catch everyone up who will miss treatment on Thanksgiving and the day after, when the office is closed for the holiday.
And one of the first things my doctor told me when I was diagnosed was to make sure to bring someone to all my appointments. Cancer is very scary, and having a second set of ears helps immensely.
She does have an appointment – I called the doctor and asked to verify the time. I told Ex I would be there, but she said that she doesn’t want me to be involved with the doctor visits and is highly pissed off that I went behind her back. In the same email she tells me “just go have fun with the friends that you made outside of our relationship and don’t worry about me.”
F**ck! I’m being drilled by guilt (how could I be with someone for eight years and not stand by their side in their dire hour of need? What an asshole I am) and entitlement (I’ve finally met someone with whom I really connect and I have a right to go and do what I had planned, regardless . . . )
Maybe logic can help you out of your cycle of guilt.
She said she didn’t want you to come to the appointment because she wanted it to be "private.
By being away this weekend, you’re giving her privacy.
You’re giving her what she asked for. Therefore you have no reason to feel guilty.
Have you ever called her on her guilt trips? 'Cause that “friends outside of the relationship” line is a classic.
I’d nix the ‘almost as if.’ She sounds abusive or, at the very least, very, very manipulative.
As with death, people deal with illness in very different ways, so it’s difficult to tell if she’s lying to you or not. But the fact that you even believe this to be a possibility does not bode well. If she’s lying, things will not end well. If she’s not, you will likely be guilted into spending more time and energy on someone you no longer love.
And specifically, she wants privacy on her terms alone. She expects you to go away so she can go off to her doctor’s appointment but you’d better not be spending that time with anyone else! You’re expected to be alone and stay away just long enough so that she can have her doctor’s appointment all by herself, then return when it suits her.
Emotional devastation of cancer aside, would a good person treat their partner/a friend/a casual acquaintance in this fashion?
You’re trying to be there for her to assuage your guilt, and she wants to be alone. Let her be, go have fun, and get moving on separating your households.
Thanks, all. This is so very, very painful because we have had a lot of wonderful times together and she’s been there so often for me and made many of my ambitions a priority. But I can’t do the yelling, the irresponsibility with money, and the lying anymore . . . this is very painful in so many ways.
It was easy to promise that I wouldn’t date anyone while she was still in the house, but I had no idea that I would meet someone wonderful. Stupid Universe!
The Ex just sent an email saying that she didn’t trust me anymore, that she wanted to do this on her own, and she needs to stay six more weeks to have enough money to get out. I think I’ll try to spend a lot of time out of the house . . .
Hooo boy! Obviously, I can’t tell you how to live your life. But I think if I were in your situation, I’d make it crystal clear that at the end of that six weeks, she’s out, no matter what! She sounds like an emotional vampire, and she will drain you dry if you let her!
:dubious: I have a radiation treatment scheduled for Saturday, but that’s only because they’re trying to catch everyone up who will miss treatment on Thanksgiving and the day after, when the office is closed for the holiday.