I’m struggling with my 2.5-yr-old twins. My daughter is such a little Mini-Me (in ways that I like) and my son is…a boy! I love him, I adore him, I admire him, I play with him and praise him every single day, but he’s “not-me”. I can instinctively chose well for my daughter, without batting an eye - and I can’t do the same thing for him.
He’s not as happy as she is, not as secure, more prone to crying fits. He’s very orderly (which I am not), and has fits if his shirts and pants don’t match (I gave up matching my socks years ago). He loves to help out & is great at cleaning up - so do I support that by using his help (while she’s playing - she’s like me and does not want to pick up toys)? Or is that making him the janitor?
I gave them some art supplies. When they grew bored with the intended usage, I was able to innovate the project in a way that delighted her - he didn’t get it at all. I can’t hold back on giving to her, when I’m good at matching her needs - but I can’t seem to do the same to him.
Anybody raising a neatnik, verbal, sensitive boy?
How do you manage “separate but equal” relationships with kids?
My son is very different from I. (Me?) I’m pretty sure you’ve read my posts in other threads about how I like to gather information, and he’s terrified by knowing more than he absolutely needs to. That’s probably the best example, but there are other things, as well.
The good news is, it gets easier. Right now, it’s easy to focus on how you and he are different and make that a problem. As he becomes more and more of a person (more able to express himself and initiate social intercourse, and less reactionary) you’ll figure him out better and find things in common and ways of making your relationship work. Conversely, your daughter might be easier now, but someday having two women in the house that are that much alike may become its own challege!
Change or innovation is a hard one for some kids. I’m a “roll with it” person. WhyKid is NOT! He gets so anxious when plans are changed. So I did have to learn to meet him halfway - I try very hard not to change plans more than can be helped, and he tries very hard not to be anxious when it’s unavoidable. We talk about it, he’s commited to working on it, but it is a challenge he’ll probably be facing his whole life. We all have 'em somewhere.
He’s really anxious if he thinks we’re going to be late. So I’ve learned not to tell him when we have to “be there”, but instead I tell him when we have to leave. Small change that made a huge difference.
On a practical level, try to let your son do what he needs to be comfortable and happy as long as it’s not bothering anyone else in the house. Let him choose his clothes and lay them out before bedtime so you’re not feeling like he should hurry in the morning.
If he wants to clean, let him! Get some non-toxic furniture wipes and put the boy to “play”! Show him how to use a tiny broom. WhyKid LOVED the vacuum cleaner at that age, and was a mean hand with the handheld DustBuster. He loved to take a mop (I cut the handle off to his height) and mop the kitchen floor. As long as he was doing that anyway, I took off his shoes and socks and gave him a bucket with warm (not hot) water and non-toxic soap. (Always watch toddlers closely with buckets of water, of course.) Did he clean it as well as I could? Of course not. But it was fun for him, and if it got a few spots up for me in the process, so much the better!
I’m not a parent of twins, and I’m sure that has it’s special challenges. But it seems to me that *any *parent is best off treating every child as the child needs to be treated. Don’t worry about being “fair” or treating them the same - they’re not the same persons! Obviously, she needs to learn to take care of her own messes, and he needs to learn not to “clean up” her stuff without her permission, but I don’t see a problem with him “cleaning” while she’s coloring. If he wants to “be the janitor”, let him, as long as he’s happy. He’s learning good life skills in the process.
Okay, first the disclaimer: I don’t have children of my own. I have been a child myself, however, and I know some sensitive boys.
Try to find ways to encourage him and build self-esteem. Don’t show in any way that it’s bad for a boy to cry, because it’s not - and my guess is he’ll hear it often enough from dumbheads. Maybe you can tell him that crying in public will be misunderstood or something.
And try to accept it. Some people are naturally self-assured, some people are naturally introspective, shy and because they think too much, have less self-assurance. You can help them up to a point, but you can never transform them into the self-assured “hey-look-at-me!” type of person.
First, being orderly is very, very good, esp. in a boy. Encourage it - many small children are orderly and then loose it later. It’s always a useful skill to have, but double so if it comes naturally.
As for not making him the janitor: he shouldn’t clean up for his sister, obviously - everybody cleans up for himself. Or you could make make them swap duties - he takes care of all cleaning/tidying up, his sister takes over some other chore for him he doesn’t like.
Try to find an adult friend or a children’s group that matches his talents. Not everybody is artistically gifted - but the artistic vein is important in every human being. You just have to find a way to match his skill level. If he doesn’t feel comfortable improvising at painting, then watch some art books of famous paintings with him. If he doesn’t have an ear for making music, listen to music with him. There are also - if he shows a desperate interest, but has no skills - special groups to develop those children with a bad ear for music and help them get rhtyhm. Or special paint exercises to develop the creativity.
And find out where his talents and interests lie. Maybe he’s good at sports, and you can put him in a sports club. Does he like nature? Take hikes with him, or get him a flower bed.
It’s not necessary to participate in all of his activities if they aren’t your cup of tea, if you encourage him and show up at important events and spend some other quality time with him instead, so he doesn’t feel you spend all the time with his sister.
If he’s good with words, read books to him, take him (when he’s older) to theater plays. Play word games with him (if you can). Give him books about famous writers and poets. Also, (later) the pop songs from the 60s to the 80s have interesting lyrics sometimes…
It’s not easy that you love one of your kids more than the other because one is easier to handle or more like you. Many parents have that problem. Mothers usually try very hard telling their children that they love them all the same. If you know you have a problem, work hard on it. (My fiance, a swimming teacher, also says that there are sometimes kids he personally dislikes, and he always takes very great care to conciously give more than normal effort to these children, because he doesn’t want them to suffer from his personal antipathy.)
And remember that all parents with more than one child know that each child has a different personality, different talents, likes and dislikes, than the sibling. You try your best to support them and try your best to show them that you love them equally, and not to put pressure on anyone to fit them into one mold. That’s enough.
He’s so little right now. You’ll be surprised how he’ll start to branch out as he gets older. I say just keep doing what you’re doing. Try to find his interests, and don’t worry too much if he doesn’t seem terribly interested in stuff just yet. My friend’s nephew was the quiet, deep, rather introverted type at that age, and now that he’s in school, he’s active and involved, friendly and open…just a regular little guy. I’d think its harder to watch kids developing differently when they’re exactly the same age and you’re watching it simultaneously. I’m sure he’ll be fine. Just different than daughter child.
He sounds like my neatnik, verbal, sensitive son.
I also have a boy and a girl (not twins) and they are so different. My daughter was the carefree, happy-go-lucky one, and my son was much more cautious and sensitive. My daughter’s room is permanently carpeted in “Clothes” and my son puts everything away.
He loved reading books (me reading to him), and going for walks at that age. I’d point things out to him, and he’d always come back with a pocket full of rocks.
Now he’s turned into a little jock (soccer and baseball), is on the safety patrol at school, does the morning announcements, gets great grades and talks about going to the Naval Academy and being a Navy SEAL. He’s an amazing kid - sometimes I look at him and think, “Whose kid are you?”
You could also let him ‘wash dishes.’ Get him a step stool, run the water a little and fill the sink with plastic dishes and cups. You don’t even have to add soap at this point. Just let him scrub them with a sponge and hold them under the running water. It’s very soothing, too, if he’s having a bad day.
My son loved doing this as a toddler, and now he’s 10 and actually washing the dishes.
How about cooking? You could make instant pudding with him. I know, it’s not really ‘cooking,’ but he’ll think it is. Let him stir it up and spoon it into little cups.
Or Jell-O. You have to be careful with the boiling water, but letting him stir is always fun. Even things like boxed muffin mixes, where you just add oil and an egg are fun.
You can get rice cakes, and let him spread peanut butter or cream cheese on it, and add raisins for a face, and then eat it. Tons of fun for a 2-year-old. Of course, Sis can be included in these activities, too.
As WhyNot said, if it makes him happy, let him do it.
Thanks so much for the feedback and suggestions! I enjoyed reading each of your posts - wish I could quote you and post “yeah that!” smilies every sentence or two!
Love the domestic suggestions, the Jiffy Muffins & junior mopping.
Constanze it really isn’t that I love him any less, I just love him differently.
I’m really glad to hear that he’ll be less of a mystery to me as time goes on - honestly, I didn’t like the infant part at all! I had no idea who I was dealing with!
Alright, I vow to keep rolling with it, and just making time for him in his way! It’s funny how, despite one’s attempts to “do it right”, the best choice is often simply being in the moment with them, on THEIR terms.
Two more general points I thought of (besides that he will change will growing up): in several studies on development, most (that doesn’t mean a 100%, but significantly over 50%) of the boys were (on average) two years (sometimes one year, sometimes three years) behind the girls, regarding emotional and intellectual development. (The only time the boys were more advanced than the girls was around age 8/9 in regard to 3D-thinking). So your boy may just be more insecure because he’s emotionally not 2.5 years like your girl, but younger.
I thought at first you were a Father, but on second reading I guessed you are a mother - is that right? (Because you said you know instinctivly what’s right for your girl). I don’t know what kind of person you are, and for a while (when watching the kids of a related family), I have wondered myself how I could treat a boy fairly, if I can’t relate to what boys feel. But depending on what type of person a daughter is, I would have trouble relating to her, too. In the end, I would want all of (still hypothecical) children to be decent humans, compassionate, self-assured etc., so I would try my best to not go along with stereotypes, or their apparent personalities, but augment their weaknesses (teach a boy to be sensitive, teach a girl to be strong, teach a jock to read a book, teach a nerd to play sports).
I hope you have lots of fun with your kids. If you love them both differently, that’s already a big part you have managed.
Despite what people say, most males are different from females, also I have a theory that siblings tend to differentiate themselves, so your daughter’s untidyness makes your son even more tidy.
I would suggest that you find him a male playmate or two, and female pals for your daughter.
As for his helping you, as long as he is doing it because he wants to, then it is just fine.
Nothing wrong with exploiting willing labour :-}
He might be doing it to ingratiate himself with you, a touch of sibling rivalry, I would watch out for that - on the other hand he is learning useful skills.
His obsession with patterns and order are really interesting, I reckon that he is going to need an entirely different set of simple toys (the best we had were fairly large wooden bricks and blockboard boards of various sizes - great for constructing mazes for guinea pigs and forts). What I am really saying is that kids can get a lot of fun from simple things, something the toy manufacturers would prefer kept quiet.
If my ‘differentiation’ theory is correct, your kids are going to get even more different, and you’ll need to devise activities that can branch in diverse directions, for example your daughter will be painting a ‘splodge’ and your son ‘painting’ noughts and crosses with you.
I have a vivid picture of what will happen when you give them a John Bull printing set, your daughter will be tatooing herself and your son printing precise bank notes.
BTW I have memories of being a slightly obsessive, but generally grubby, male infant.
As a non-parent who has served as a substitute teacher for up to 6 three and four year olds, my common sense but based on my experiences instincts would be to say that it’s fine to encourage your son to clean up (if he likes doing so) while your daughter plays to a point. If you have a household rule that all toys must be cleaned up before bedtime-or before dinner, or first thing Saturday morning or even just that the blocks must be cleaned up before the play dough comes out; enforce them in such a way that both kids help with the clean-up. Even if it’s easier to let her play with Barbie while you and he pick up everything else. She needs to learn that there are limits, and you need to learn to enforce them, when the biggest risk is a major temper tantrum and no one playing with any of the toys–or dinner being late.
He may not mature as fast as she does, or may have different interests. It’s ok when doing an art project that involves cutting for her to cut out both the sun, and the rays, him to cut out only the sun, and Mommy to cut out his rays, so that the art project takes a length of time that suits both his patience and Mommy’s patience. Of course, the utility of this advice goes downhill if your children develop a need to do things just like each other.
If you don’t already have a play group, consider getting involved with one. Having mothers of other little boys to interact with, and other little boys to observe, may help you develop better instincts for dealing with your son, since he is less like you than your daughter is.
But don’t worry too much, most choices at this age are not irrevocable.
Thank you so much for your insights, I’ve been thinking about these replies.
constanze, I think you really nailed it, he’s just not growing up in the same way/rate - duh, seems obvious, but when you’re the parent it’s sometimes hard to recognize.
And yep, we just joined a PIT (Parent Infant Toddler) class that’s mostly boys. It’s really fun watching the kids interact. And it’s even MORE fun watching the other mothers struggle w/their kids as I do mine – one dragged her kid up the hall, trying to get him to calm down; another had her son in an improvised “time-out” chair b/c he was acting like a wild thing; meanwhile, the group leader’s singing Wheels On the Bus with a slightly glazed expression, completely ignoring the bedlam around her.
