I have a co-worker with whom I’ve recently become friends. Barely friends. We haven’t spent any time together outside of work, we’ve just shared some personal information about our respective food issues. I told her that God should have split my appetite between the two of us.
Yesterday she says, “I feel like I’m not in the club. You were crabby with me today.”
I asked her what she was talking about and she couldn’t give me an example (maybe due to time constraints).
I’m afraid that she may turn out to be another needy friend. I seem to attract them, these people who need constant reassurance that I like them… Arrrgh!
What do you other Dopers do with these people? Advice is sorely needed.
I tell them straight out that if they keep asking me if I am mad at them or if something is wrong iwth them, that I will most likely just stop talking to them. If I have a problem I will tell them, and they should konw that by now. Usually they stop bothering me after that. I probably would have lost a bunch of good friends if I hadn’t confronted them on it.
Hmmm…I’m afraid I’m not great at this one. I start with:
“Of course I’m not mad at you”
and proceed semi-rapidly to:
“Well, I’m not mad at you now, but ask me that stupid question one more time…”
The only really successful strategy I’ve ever found (but don’t have the patience to use very often) is reversal. Beat them to the punch:
“Say, is everything ok? You sound like you’re upset with me.”
grem
BTW, I hope responding like this was ok. You’re not mad at me are you?
Remember, needy friends are not really friends at all…it’s almost always a one-sided relationship (and yes, I think we’ve all been on both sides at one time or another). They don’t want a friend, they want a mother. I’m sure you’ve had a SO that’s like that, too.
Unfortunately, people like that are a fact of life. Don’t let her browbeat you into feeling guilty!
It’s perfectly accpetable to say “Lay off, we’re not Siamese twins, you know!” or something to that effect.
Of course if you have a conscience (which, as you probably guessed, I don’t ), you can always try to make a point of including her in anything you do, any conversation you have, and keep reassuring her that you’re her friend.
Canthearya, needy friends suck. You have my sympathy here.
What do I do? I’m very direct about stuff like that. Straight out - if you need constant reassurance I’m not the one to turn to, if I ever do get mad I surely will let you know, and if you keep asking me that question or hinting that I’m not “sharing” all with you, I will definatly get irritated.
), you can always try to make a point of including her in anything you do, any conversation you have, and keep reassuring her that you’re her friend.