We’ve lived in our neighborhood since early summer of 99. My oldest son was 3 years old and was too little to be concerned about looking for friends right away. He started playing outside, first in the backyard at 5 and graduating to the front from 6 up until now at 8. In the last three years he has been picked on, excluded, threatened and pushed around by all the boys and most of the girls in the neighborhood. He cannot count on anyone stayng his friend for too long because as soon as someone else comes around, he gets abandoned. My bathroom window is above the neighbors porch and I’ve heard the name calling and bullying from up there and a couple of times I’ve called him inside and sometimes I let him wait to try and defend himself. He has really bad timing with smart responses and its mostly due to the way we are raising our children. If I had to say anything is for certain, its that our parental values differ from those of the other families around here. We have respect for all fellow man.
The day after his birthday I got him a really cool giant water machine gun to see if he could join in the water gun fights, hoping that he could be let in to their circle for a little while and possibly make some friends. That hope lasted 20 minutes when he came inside fighting back tears as they pushed him and threw his toy gun to the ground and it broke irrepairably. He asked me later that afternoon. 'Mom, I dont know why they’re like that with me, they’ve been mean for the last 3 years." He knows and identifies that he has been excluded since then. So my husband got the kids a trampoline and set it up today. The leader of the bullies pocked his head through the gate and said “Cool you got a trampoline. Can I jump on it? I’ll let you use my water gun.” My son asked me, “Can he, mom?” I hesistated and asked him to wait until tomorrow. My number one reason is because of the liability if anything should happen we would be responsible for the kid. And second, those kids have treated my son like crap, humiliated and taunted him for so long. I dont know if I want those kids around my kids.
Please let me know what you think would be a good solution to this dilemma. My son does want to fit in, but I want him to retain as much of his pride as possible.
That sounds kinda iffy to me… I was bullied as a kid, and the only time those bullies were nice was when they wanted something… when they got bored they just went back to being nasty again.
Then again, maybe your kid will be able to make some friends, of the less mean kids of the bunch anyway.
That is quite the dilemma. What a heartbreak. I’d say though, that once your son realizes that they are only using him to play with his cool stuff, he’ll feel worse. Of course a kid is going to be tempted to give in, and let the bullies play with their stuff just for a moment’s worth of “acceptance”. They might even realize all the implications. I don’t know, if I let those kids on my property, I’d certainly be out there the whole time, and if they used namecalling they’d be told to leave.
First, though you need to check with your insurance company, and see what it’s coverage etc is. You might have the “out” of telling the kids they can’t because of insurance issues.
Where are the parents of the bullies in this? I get that kids don’t want Mom fighting their battles but if this has been going on for five years then it’s time the parents of the other kids stepped up and took some responsibility.
As for letting them jump on the trampoline, hell no. They sound like they’re old enough to understand that actions have consequences and the consequence of trating your kid like crap for five years is that you don’t get to play with his toys.
Basically I’d say “screw you” to all the bullies and take my son somewhere else to make friends he doesn’t need them.
There are lots of other places your son could make friends Church, Sports, Community Center, Acting Classes, Karate, in a park a few neighborhoods away, etc. Tell your son he doesn’t need to make friends with those kids take him somewhere else to make friends.
Your son could make friends at places other than the neighborhood such as Church, Karate, Drama Class, Sports, Boy Scouts, A park in another neighborhood…or find other parents with children that are bullied and make friends with them.
Tell your son he doesn’t need to be friends with the brats from the neighborhood because you will take him other places. And when they ask about the trampoline say “No way”.
Thank you all so much for the responses. I explained to my son about the rules of using the trampoline and for the time being, no other kids but ours could jump on it. I gave him a brief idea about liability ( I thing he got it) and asked him to be strong in his responsibility that the trampoline be used safely.
As for talking to the other kids parents, I honestly don’t know how I would approach someone about that. Half of me is tempted to go off and the other half feels the parents are probably just like the kids and don’t care.
I don’t know if this approach would be worth it, but:
“Gee, <insert bully’s name here>, just last week I heard you saying mean things to Junior. Why do you want to be his friend all of a sudden?”
It’s a hard call. I was temporarily popular in elementary school when I got a tape recorder (this was in the mid-60s - it was a little reel-to-reel) but when I dropped it and it broke, all my “friends” suddenly lost interest. It was a tough lesson to learn and I was older than your son is.
Part of me says to talk to the bullies, asking them if they understand how badly they’ve treated your son and ask if they really feel they deserve to play on the trampoline after that. Tell them that they can’t for now, but if they start treating him better, you’ll reconsider your decision in a few weeks.
Another part of me can picture that even if they do start treating him better, one might fall back into old habits and give your son a shove…while on the trampoline! :eek:
Why make a deal, and essentially reward a kid for doing something they should have been doing all along? Not likeing someone is one thing, treating them horribly for years, and bullying them is quite another.
IANAL but IIRC from my law classes, if those little jerks get on the trampoline without your permission and break something, you’re as legally screwed as if you’d given them permission to jump on it. Attractive nuisance and all that. And I doubt they’re gonna take no for an answer. Be careful! You might wanna check out the laws where you live.
I’d tell the little bastards to suck it and stick my kid in karate or something so he can start learning to defend himself, but that’s me. These little SOBs have probably never had an adult get in their face and if you do it, you’ll scare the hell out of them and they’ll never come around again. YMMV.
I would enroll him in a good martial arts program, not just for self-defense (which he sorely needs) but peace of mind. A good martial arts instructor teaches self-esteem.
As well as that he needs to start developing secure relationship with children his age. Group activities like martial arts will give him that. As for the bullies you should be confronting the parents. If they think it is alright for their children to be such jerks, and trust me I know a few parents like that, then they need to know that you aren’t going to sit back and allow it to happen.
You said you’re raising your children differently than the people in the neighborhood. What are you doing that they’re not, and how do you know if you don’t interact with the parents? Invite someone over for coffee. Have a cookout. When kids see their parents hanging out together, they’re less likely to be little assholes to their parent’s friend’s kids. Talk to some of the other people and find out what their kids are being taught before you put them all in the same “trash” bag.
The rotten kids in the neighborhood are still just kids. They don’t necessarily need to be punished by you. They’re still learning, the same way your kid is still learning. You can teach by example (be the person you want your son to grow up to be). If that means forgiving, then forgive these little monsters and show them how you expect all people to be treated when they’re in your yard. If they don’t play by the rules, ask them to leave.
Your son could build the beginnings of a friendship within the protection of your yard. Then, maybe you could have him invite one kid along on an outing. Sometimes when you break the “gang mentality”, you’ll see that these little fuckers aren’t as bad when they’re on their own. Go to a movie, out for pizza – something. When the single kid starts forging a relationship, introduce another kid to the fun.
There are ways for your kid to learn how to make friends without exposing him to the taunting and bullying. He’ll still be doing it on his own, but you’ll be close enough to police it.
If the kids turn out to be rotten kids, through and through, at least you both gave it your best effort. Then you move on. It’s rough to learn that not everyone will like you. You just have to make sure your kid still likes himself.
This is one of the reasons I dont’ think I could be a parent. I would have taken a baseball bat to those kids a long time ago.
But you may;
Let you kid play on the tramp a while and let him get good at it. (doing flips and stuff) So when the other kids come he can be the star.
Watch the Simpsons episode where they get a pool and Lisa is the popular kid for a while.
Video tape the neighborhood monsters in their natural state and send that tape to their parents.
Buy your kid a pony and a saber and a cossack costume and let him teach those kids a thing or two.
Be very careful with the trampoline and neighborhood kids. When we first set ours up, every kid within a 100 mile radius snuck into our LOCKED and FENCED backyard everytime they even suspected we might not be home. One night, shortly after midnight, I was awoken by three kids in the backyard, jumping on the trampoline. Yes, the parents are the type who wouldn’t even know if their kids were out at midnight (we’re not talking high schoolers here, but elementary aged kids), and could care less if I showed up on their doorsteps with their kid in tow at midnight. And yes, they are probably the type to hire a lawyer if their kid injured themselves jumping on my trampoline, in my backyard in the middle of the night.
As much as my own kids loved it, we had to get rid of it. I couldn’t stand the thought of being sued by idiots.
Kids don’t have that kind of mentality Kalhoun. At least my 6 year old brother and all his friends don’t. A child can be taught to learn from others, but if you believe they will learn to be good natured if you keep forgiving them then you are wrong. If you continue to forgive a child for their bad behaviour then they learn that they can get away with being bad.
But if you want to teach your own child the value of “turning the other cheek” then it would be a reasonable example for them, reasonable because it does not solve your own child’s problem. A child is not emotionally strong enough to continue to “turn the other cheek” and sooner or later your child will come off worse if that is the only course of action.
Why make a deal, and essentially reward a kid for doing something they should have been doing all along? Not likeing someone is one thing, treating them horribly for years, and bullying them is quite another.