'Net Etiquette: Was I wrong to be upset?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Basic scenario:

Somebody said something on my Facebook feed that I perceived as a massive breach of “Netiquette”. I fired off an angry private message to that person. Later, I realized I had overreacted, and sent an apology for my previous message. I also explained her breach of “Netiquette”, so she’d understand why I was upset.

But was I right?

More detailed:

My wife, who is going through some major medical problems, posted on her own Facebook page about how much she appreciates my support. Then she shared her post to my page.

A woman from my Friends list replied to her post, on my page, with this:

“I’m sending you a PM.”

That’s it, nothing else.

I happened to be in a bad “head space” when I saw that, and fired off my angry message.

In my apology, I explained her “breach” this way. I mentioned that I momentarily forgot that not everybody has spent as much time communicating online as I have, and so may not be aware of certain “rules of etiquette” for online conversation. Then I explained that entering a conversation and saying nothing but, “I’m sending you a PM” is the online equivalent of starting a whispered conversation right in front of other people. You might be saying something completely innocent, but everybody else is going to wonder, “Is she talking about me? What is she saying?”

Does that sound right to you? It makes perfect sense to me.

But here’s the kicker that I didn’t mention to her.

Some of you may recall a thread I posted about a younger woman for whom I (secretly) carried a torch for many, many years. That young woman (who, hopefully, has no clue) has befriended my wife, and has been eagerly and wonderfully helpful with our getting married. She’s been our photographer, and did a lot of work with helping with our catering. And she’s helped my wife out in other ways.

The Facebook commenter in question is that young woman’s mother.

So I saw her “I’m sending you a PM” and completely panicked. As in, “OMG, somehow she picked up on the fact that I was attracted to her daughter, despite my deliberate efforts to give no clue, and now she’s telling my horribly insecure wife about it!”

Sometimes, I think I think too much.

2

(bolding mine)

That’s it right there, the bolding.

In my neck of the woods you stay offline if you’re in a “bad head space” so you don’t react similar.

Well…yeah, I get your point. OTOH I’ve seen similar on my own FB page as well as here on the Dope and other places online, and I’ve never thought twice about it. Granted, if you’re sending somebody a PM you don’t need to announce it as a post, but some people want to remind the poster that there’s a PM coming, check your inbox.

  1. You’re overthinking this.

  2. In my experience overthinking is directly linked to making mountains out of molehills as in “OK, at one time I had a secret crush on this young woman, so WHY would her mother know about it if the young woman never knew about it?”

  3. Overthinking – again, in my experience – can sometimes lead to saying/doing things I’d otherwise never dream of saying/doing ONLY because my head has made a bigger deal of it than what it actually is. That’s when I go offline for a bit and distract myself with something having nothing to do with what I was overthinking.

3

I don’t think it’s a breach of netiquette. To me it’s the equivalent of a group conversation where somebody says to someone else, “I’ll call you tomorrow.” Sure, maybe people will be curious what it’s all about, but that’s their problem. She possibly wasn’t sure if you would normally check or be alerted about PMs and wanted to make sure you’d get it.

4

Just a bit…

It would never occur to me that someone saying in one place they’re sending a separate message in another somehow breaks a rule of etiquette that entitles someone else to feel offended about it. There might be many reasons for doing so, none of them relevant to anything or anybody else in the conversation.

To me, it’s no more than saying IRL “Oh, there’s something I meant to ask/tell you, I’ll talk to you later about it”, or something of that sort. You say it equates to whispering behind someone’s back: who made that a “rule”?

5

…yeah you do. There was no breach of “Net Etiquette”. Your “apology”: that consisted of you spouting some “gibberish” that still makes her “guilty of something” but of course “makes perfect sense to you” was not an actual apology.

If she wasn’t suspicious then she is probably suspicious now. And posting this all over the internet probably won’t help you.

You had a crush on someone once. Get over it. You are married now. If a posting on facebook has driven you to this sort of panic, a faux apology and a post on a messageboard asking for advice, then there is something deeper going on than you care to admit. Get some help.

6

So what was in her PM? And how did she react to your scolding?

By the way, you overreactedx10.
mmm

7

I wouldn’t call that a breach of netiquette, just one of the many weird ways people “misuse” the facebook interface. I disagree with the people who compare it to a group conversation and nothing off at all. To me it’s more like someone interrupting a two person conversation at a party to say they put a letter in your mailbox and then just walking away. If you’re worried they won’t check their mail there are more normal ways to tell them, but it’s not the end of the world and on reason to read anything into it other than a clumsy use of the interface.

8

IANA Facebook user but this is exactly my reaction. Not sure what paranoid planet the OP hails from, but his stated concerns would never have occurred to clueless old me.

Also seconding the much earlier advice that when one knows one is in a foul mood or has been drinking, that’s an excellent time to get the heck away from a permanent, public, and indelible writing tool. Just as it’s a good time to avoid riding one’s motorcycle without a helmet.

Dumb decisions can have permanent (or at least disproportionate) consequences.

9

Having a hard time thinking of a less egregious “breach” of etiquette than that.

On the other hand, later “absolving” her of her transgression because she must be less experienced in The Internet than you, is condescending as hell.

Also, if her PM consisted of supportive words for you or your partner and that’s how you responded, then you’re a huge jerk.

10

PM sent.

11

:eek:

You win the thread!! Perfection!

12

  1. I think you did overreact. I agree with “when you’re in a bad head space, stay off line.” This can NEVER be the wrong thing to do. Angry responses written in haste almost always bite you in the ass.

  2. However, why announce you’re sending someone a PM? Why not just send it?

  3. Another confirmation of my decision never to be on Facebook. Thank you.

13

Amen.

If you want to message someone, call them or text them. If you don’t have their phone number, well, there’s probably a reason why you don’t.

14

I’m curious why you think your wife doesn’t know you once had a “thing” for this other woman. Have you been trying to hide this from your wife? It could be she knows and her insecurity is actually well founded. There shouldn’t be any secrets within the marital union, these secrets are so difficult to maintain. I don’t what kind of advise to give you, except try not to have a meltdown on Facebook over something as trivial as what you posted in your OP. That’s suspicious, it comes across as you’ve something to hide.

15

It sounds LIKE the OP still has a crush on his photographer friend. I wouldn’t keep her around so much, if you know what I mean.

16

The “thing” for the other woman predated the marriage by decades. It predated meeting the wife by a couple years. That changes the dynamic you (watchwolf49) are concerned about.

But yes, the OP does have a more dramatic life than I do. IMO more dramatic than most of us do.

17

No.

I’ve been communicating online for about 25 years now (!), and I would not consider this sort of thing a breach of “Netiquette” nor have I ever previously encountered anyone who said they thought it was. It’s perhaps slightly – but only slightly – clumsy. When it comes to basic good manners then blowing up over something so minor, or delivering a lecture about how the newb is doing things wrong, is much, much worse.

If I saw that a friend had posted about her medical problems and that someone else had said they were sending her a PM I’d assume this was to offer comfort/advice/prayers that she didn’t want to make public. It would not even occur to me to wonder whether she wanted to talk about me behind my back, and I would not be particularly interested in the content of the PM. Since Facebook does not IMHO handle PMs very well – I think you can’t even see them on a device unless you download a separate app? – this woman may have been concerned that her PM would be missed if she didn’t say she was sending one. Or she may not have had time to write a heartfelt PM at that moment but wanted to at least give some indication that she was thinking of your wife and would be in touch later.

18

Why did your wife need to post on her Facebook page that she appreciates your support? Is this how you decide where to go to dinner or the movies?

Are you not capable of old-fashioned communications (i.e., facing each other and talking out loud)?

Keep in mind that I’m not a member of the social media generation so some of the niceties are beyond me.

19

I’m not getting this vibe from the OP, to be honest, he’s terrified his wife will find out. If the OP is over his crush on this other woman, then I don’t understand why he’s so afraid to tell his wife he once had “a thing” for her. Of course it’s bad form to keep bring this up with his wife, but the OP should at least have mentioned it once; “Gee honey, I’m so glad I didn’t pursue her hand in marriage, I’m so much better off with you”.

The only downside I can see is the OP will ruin any chance he has of bedding this other woman …

I’ve never heard this as being a violation of netiquette, I’ve been chatting on-line for 20 years and never seen this.

20

He might want to see if anything develops.
mmm