So I went to the store today to purchase a bag of M&M’s. It’s Father’s day, you know, and I wanted to make some M&M cookies for my Dad. I strolled down the candy isle and spotted the M&M’s. According to the bag, they were having yet another contest. This time it was “Find The All-Groovy Bag of M&M’s and Win $5,000 Each Summer For The Rest of Your Life!”
An All-Groovy bag, for those not in the know, is a bag of M&M’s in which each of the pieces of candy is speckled with many different colors. It had pictures of a Groovy M&M right there on the bag. Anyway, I took my bag home and sat it on the table while I proceeded to make the cookie dough. When it was time, I opened the bag.
And lo and behold, it was Groovy.
I tried not to get too excited, but hey, we could all use an extra $5000 a year. My fingers sticky with cookie dough, I anxiously cut apart the bag to reveal the official game piece. My heart skipped a beat when I read those fateful words:
Sorry, This Bag Is Not A Winner. Please Play Again!
Upon closer inspection, I noticed that my M&M’s were not groovy. It looked like they had many broken pieces of candy shells stuck to them. I guess that doesn’t constitute them as being groovy.
Back in 2000, I think it was, Oreo had a promotion where you had to look for the cookies which had images of cars or dollar signs or whatever on them. My friend and I had to go through the entire bag and inspect each Oreo, for fear her kids would eat the ten-grand cookie or whatever. Needless to say, the promotion didn’t last long.
Man, like all this competition stuff is just a downer, you know. Like, M&M’s are always groovy because they know they’re part of the universe and in tune with what’s happenin’. Cool. M&M’s are never uptight, you know, like, they are what they are and they never put on some kind mask to play the man’s game. Wow, that’s a heavy thought, yeah. I’m just saying that like, you know, you shouldn’t buy the M&M’s because some establishment type tells you they’re groovy, you should like be with the M&M’s in their space and really experience the cosmic rush of M&M-ness. Become one with the M&M. Like, have you ever really looked at an M&M? Man, like, this is really a trip. The red one’s talking to me dude–and he’s wearing shoes! I’m freakin’, man, I’m freakin’–the brown M&M’s are no good, the brown M&M are no good!
I wouldn’t quit your day job if I were you, Qazzz…according to the Pepsi website the odds of being the grand prize winner are 1 in 1.047 billion. And, then, the odds of the grand prize winner actually scooping the $1 bn are one in 1,000: so the odds of winning that billion are one in 1.047 TRILLION. Makes the Powerball look like a good bet!
