New Chick Tract- Uninvited

[Little_Nemo]

@Hal_Briston

…or worse!

Being raped can turn you into a Catholic?

[Snarky_Kong]

@Sr_Siete

The other makes you a werewolf.
drum roll

I think you mean rim shot.

[zoo]

One of the best ever! Thank you for posting.

[BigBertha]

@Tranquilis

BigBertha thinks it’s a Killer Tomato. I think it’s an Evil Turnip.

I could be persuaded to the Killer Tomato interpretation, though.

hybrid-turnato!

[Freddy_the_Pig]

I also enjoyed the drive-by dig at Catholicism with the “altar boy” comment.

[42fish]

@Little_Nemo

But it was two men who raped Clara. Wouldn’t the overall anti-gay message have been clearer if she had been raped by two women? Or if the nurse had been Clarence?

What, a MALE nurse? Violating traditional gender roles is unholy, you sinner.

[SeldomSeen]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Attack from the 3rd dimension
Also, what the hell is the fanged vegetable supposed to be? If it’s a heart, the man needs some anatomy lessons, and not just 'cause of the fangs.

BigBertha thinks it’s a Killer Tomato. I think it’s an Evil Turnip.

I could be persuaded to the Killer Tomato interpretation, though.

Kohlrabi, Killer kohlrabi

SS

[Waffle_Decider]

This is a winner for sure. Just, wow. I’m speechless…

[fluiddruid]

Wow. Awesome.

“You don’t have a right to tell all of us dying AIDS patients that we’re going to Hell!”

“Sure I do. I was raped!”

[BigBertha]

Out of the last 40 patients, almost all were molested and thats why they turned out gay?
40 is not a big enough number to justify that conclusion. And it even says almost!

[BrainGlutton]

@A Monkey With a Gun

“Satan is one of the most powerful beings created by the Lord Jesus”.

Did I miss that part of the New Testament? When did that happen? Did JC conjure up loaves, fishes, and satan? Did he change too much water into wine and create Satan as a drinking buddy?

That sounds silly, but it ain’t (not in the way you are thinking of, at least), it’s doctrine. It’s part of trinitarian Christianity: Jesus always existed, before he was born in flesh. Jesus is identical with the God who made the universe, and the angels, including Satan. There are other interpretations in Christian history of who/what Jesus was/is, but that is that one that prevailed at the Council of Nicaea and even most Protestants – definitely including Chick – still follow it. See Christology.

[Tranquilis]

@SeldomSeen

Kohlrabi, Killer kohlrabi

SS

Dang, that looks evil…

[BrainGlutton]

@MeanOldLady

Yay, Chick is back! This is some quality crazy right here. *Everything *about it was wrong.

Right! That’s what I was thinking. Forget the gay-bashing for a moment. People need to repent now because they were abused? Super dick move, God.

Granted, it’s not because being molested is a sin, it’s because molestation or rape can put a gay-demon into you the same way it can put syphilis into you. If you have an infection it makes no difference how you got infected, you still need the penicillin.

Still silly, but a different kind of silly.

[YogSothoth]

Why would demons turn people gay? That seems awfully uninspired. If I were a demon, I’d turn people who were molested into necrophilic zoophiles, no wait…pedo-necrophilic zoophiles (they are only attracted to dead BABY animals)!

I mean, gay people have a tougher life than straights and all, but the pedo-necrophilic zoophiles can’t even get a COMMERCIAL on Bravo!

[BrainGlutton]

@Lynn_Bodoni

I read. I looked at the URL. I read some more. I checked the URL again. I was CERTAIN that this was a Chick parody, but no, it’s a real Chick tract. I do believe that this might be his masterpiece.

“Chick parody”? See Poe’s Law. The only way a Chick parody would be clearly distinguishable from the real thing would be if it used his style to present a non-Christian message. As in, “Who Will Be Eaten First?”

[BrainGlutton]

@Little_Nemo

So God and Satan are working together?

You didn’t know that?!

As we say in the Church of the SubGenius: “The difference between Hell and Heaven is which end of the pitchfork you’re on.”

From Revelation X: The “Bob” Apocryphon, Chapter 8: “Heaven and Hell”:

Everything written regarding Hell in all bibles, from the Zoroastrian up through Dante to Chick Comics, is literally true (except the name of the author). The traditional Hell exists, complete with Lake of Fire, demons, and eternal torment; they aren’t lying about that. What they don’t tell you is that only religious people go there.

It’s a rare SubGenius that ends up in this Normal Hell, the lowest rung of the Ladder of Beforelives. THE HELL CLAUSE states that Hell is reserved for those who believe in it, and the lowest Circle is for those who think that if they don’t believe in it, they’ll go there. Hell is JHVH-1’s revenge on those who insult His intelligence by thinking He is as simple-minded, cruel and vengeful as THEY are. The Devil’s job is to pester them, to milk out every last drop of human faith and credence. Satan manages Hell, and it’s a very busy place these days, but his responsibilities regarding earthly life cover only religious nuts. JHVH-1 assigned him to create some kind of secondary Hell on earth, so Satan devised the idea of multiple religions, all believing in his existence but hating each other even more than they hate him. (In the end it doesn’t really matter whether those Normals are “good” or “bad” in life; Satan and JHVH-1 divvy up the souls 50-50, at random.)

<snip>

Pink Heaven (frequently misidentified as Christian Heaven or Islamic Paradise) is nothing but a more sophisticated Hell, with air conditioning. In many ways, it is far worse. At least in Hell, you know where you stand. The sheep in Heaven can’t even guess how utterly doomed they truly are.

“Heaven” is only the second rung up the Beforelife ladder, and, like Hell, is reserved for believers. It consists of an absence not only of pain, but also of pleasure.

Great deal, huh? You’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. Disobedient souls burn in Hell forever, but obedient souls “belong to God.” As if making you an employee all your LIFE wasn’t bad enough, you’re enslaved in the AFTERLIFE as well! You get all the joy of a fundamentalist’s lifestyle, with no hope of release – not even death!

<snip>

In “Heaven” there dwell certain hungry, rapacious predator spirits, called Theocrats, which vampirize the PPQF of weaker spirits in order to “live” forever at the expense of their victims.

"The Theocrats enslave other spirits to provide psychic energy, just as slaves or employees on Earth provide physical labor . . . They obtain these victims by posing as gods and persuading the religious believers to come to them voluntarily after death thinking they are entering “eternal bliss in Heaven.”

"Many notorious tyrants, conquerors, evil religious leaders, black magicians and criminals have become Theocrats after death, but so have some saints and benign geniuses. Power corrupts and the prospect of achieving immortality corrupts even more. Many people with highly developed souls, whose earthly lives were lived quite ethically, chose to become Theocrats after death . . . This has been especially true for people who were religiously devout, then found out the horrible truth about the gods after death.

"The daily activities of a Fundamentalist Theocratic band organized as Heaven are similar to a church service as such sects hold them on Earth, except that they go on perpetually. The Theocrat in charge poses as the Lord God Jehovah, and subordinate Theocrats pose as Christ, various Angels and Apostles, and so forth. “God” quotes the same Biblical passages and preaches the same sermons as preachers in the same sect do on Earth, and the congregation joins in singing the same hymns. . . . The Theocratic leaders then channel this collective psychic energy . . . For instance, there are dead Christians who think they are in Heaven, sitting around the throne of Jehovah “eternally singing his praises,” when they’re really just his slaves and possibly his dinner as well. Now you understand the real significance of “Holy Communion.”

". . . As fanatical belief in organized religion declines in the modern era, the Theocrats have even devised ways to persuade atheists and agnostics to join Theocratic bands after death. The most common is simply to invite them to join what appears to be a community of spirits that includes some of their previously-deceased relatives or friends, or some famous person they greatly admire . . . There are also “Heavens” whose “gods” claim to be politicians, movie stars, writers, scientists, rock stars, or even fictional characters."

– excerpted from Kyle Griffith’s War in Heaven.

The most insidiously cruel aspect of Pink Heaven/Normal Hell is that it’s all self-inflicted punishment. Nothing happens to those souls that they didn’t ask for, that wasn’t self-devised down to the smallest detail. And nastiest of all, just as their store of anguish is about to be used up, they are TOLD they could escape if only they would stop believing – BUT THAT ONLY MAKES IT WORSE. For, there they are, right in the thick of it, with flames searing their skin, or etheric vampires slowly devouring their very essence . . . so it’s just a bit difficult NOT to believe in it.

But there is hope! Now you can save your soul from Heaven! Just send it with $30 for shipping & handling costs to:

The Church of the SubGenius
c/o Reverend Ivan Stang
P.O. Box 181417
Cleveland Heights, OH 44118-1417

Eternal salvation guaranteed – OR TRIPLE YOUR MONEY BACK!

[Qin_Shi_Huangdi]

@BrainGlutton

Hijack: I just recently, online, re-read The Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis. (One of the most convincing atheism tracts ever, but that’s nor here nor there.) And it’s hard to believe the same religion (yes, yes, or whatever word Chick would prefer) produced them both. The similarities are obvious, of course. But, to Lewis, once you become a Christian you are by no means home free, there still are countless ways for the demons to subtly and gradually wear down your spiritual state until they have you. Saving your soul is hard work in ways you could never imagine when you start. Chick is all about once-and-for-all “easy grace”; apparently once you’re sincerely born-again and saved, Wormwood can’t even whisper in your ear.

On any scale of “realism” applicable to such things, I would say Lewis is far, far more realistic than Chick.

Well that’s the whole debate over eternal security and the Bible seems to indicate that people who do things Christians probably won’t do probably had a false salvation in the first place. Plus the “Christians” who think daemons can still attack saved Christians can be even more insane than Chick.

[BrainGlutton]

@YogSosoth

Why would demons turn people gay? That seems awfully uninspired. If I were a demon, I’d turn people who were molested into necrophilic zoophiles, no wait…pedo-necrophilic zoophiles (they are only attracted to dead BABY animals)!

I mean, gay people have a tougher life than straights and all, but the pedo-necrophilic zoophiles can’t even get a COMMERCIAL on Bravo!

It’s a perfectly sound approach if you accept the premises. Read The Screwtape Letters. A tempter-demon’s business is not to make you miserable, it is to make you damned. (If he can accomplish both at once, so much the better.)

Of course a war is entertaining. The immediate fear and suffering of the humans is a legitimate and pleasing refreshment for our myriads of toiling workers. But what permanent good does it do us unless we make use of it for bringing souls to Our Father Below? When I see the temporal suffering of humans who finally escape us, I feel as if I had been allowed to taste the first course of a rich banquet and then denied the rest. It is worse than not to have tasted it at all. The Enemy, true to His barbarous methods of warfare, allows us to see the short misery of His favourites only to tantalise and torment us—to mock the incessant hunger which, during this present phase of the great conflict, His blockade is admittedly imposing. Let us therefore think rather how to use, than how to enjoy, this European war. For it has certain tendencies inherent in it which are, in themselves, by no means in our favour. We may hope for a good deal of cruelty and unchastity. But, if we are not careful, we shall see thousands turning in this tribulation to the Enemy, while tens of thousands who do not go so far as that will nevertheless have their attention diverted from themselves to values and causes which they believe to be higher than the self. I know that the Enemy disapproves many of these causes. But that is where He is so unfair. He often makes prizes of humans who have given their lives for causes He thinks bad on the monstrously sophistical ground that the humans thought them good and were following the best they knew. Consider too what undesirable deaths occur in wartime. Men are killed in places where they knew they might be killed and to which they go, if they are at all of the Enemy’s party, prepared. How much better for us if all humans died in costly nursing homes amid doctors who lie, nurses who lie, friends who lie, as we have trained them, promising life to the dying, encouraging the belief that sickness excuses every indulgence, and even, if our workers know their job, withholding all suggestion of a priest lest it should betray to the sick man his true condition! And how disastrous for us is the continual remembrance of death which war enforces. One of our best weapons, contented worldliness, is rendered useless. In wartime not even a human can believe that he is going to live forever.

If you don’t accept the premises, of course, it should be fairly obvious that “contented worldliness” is rather the point of life, carnal and spiritual, in this world and in any world to come.

[Kobal2]

What a disappointment. He stopped short of curing them of AIDS instantly for finding Jesus. Ah well, at least they’ll go to Heaven when they die horribly by God’s hand.

That being said, I really love the last pannel. Very Who Will Be Eaten First. Two thumbs up.

@Tranquilis

Dang, that looks evil…

Tastes evil, too. It’s like Brussels sprouts with the texture of an old turnip gone bad and filled with stringbean strings.

Kohlrabi is to vegetables as Durian is to fruits.

[Malacandra]

@Kobal2

What a disappointment. He stopped short of curing them of AIDS instantly for finding Jesus. Ah well, at least they’ll go to Heaven when they die horribly by God’s hand.

Folks hereabouts object to the notion of Hell because, among other objections, it’s an eternity of infinite suffering for a finite temporary sin. But they seem sometimes to have trouble with the idea that an eternity in Heaven could compensate infinitely for finite suffering on Earth - and possibly grant them the wisdom to accept that their suffering came about as a result of their own choices.