This may well go down in history as one of the worst Trek eps ever.
Let’s rewrite it!
You start.
Maybe not quite that far, but yeah, he really should’ve shown more signs of having had a Really Lousy Day. I did like Trip’s non-verbal reaction after getting chewed out.
Emory and the daughter beam aboard.
The daughter is naked.
“Daddy, I hate it when this thing does that!”
Trip:“Can I help ya’ll with those? er, that?”
A wheel falls of the chair.
[a gaseous anomoly slowly makes its way against the background]
Trip (sniffing the air): “EW! Gross!”
T’Pol: “There is an ancient Vulcan proverb I found in my recent Kir’Shira studies that seems appropriate to offer at this time.”
Quantum: “Yeah? What is it?”
T’Pol: " ‘Whoever smelt it, dealt it.’ "
Merry: “Where’s Pippin?”
Entire bridge crew; “SHUT UP!”
Phlox: Captain, have you been feeding Porthos cheese again?
Hoshi: “We’re receiving a distress call from Barrens Research Station 3.”
Archer: “On screen.”
Director: “Captain, Dr. Quinn has stolen a cargo ship and supplies, and is heading into the Barrens. Here’s his bio.”
Archer: “We’ll get 'em. Out.”
Hoshi: “Bio on-screen”
Archer: “Hey, that’s a disquised Dr. Emory. Friend and inventer of the transporter. But he’s relegated to the other side of the soon-to-be Federation. Contact Elba II”
Elba: “Yes, Dr. Emory is here - see”
Emory: “I confess, I’m a transporter clone. We gotta get my son.”
Phlox: “Talk about multiple personality disorder.”
T’Pol: “Long freakin’ transporter beams detected.”
Reed: “I’ll shoot 'em. Blast, he’s beamed in bulkheads around the transporter. I’ll blow 'em up.”
Trip: “Stop you ass. I’ll just cut power. Hey, power’s been rerouted. I’ll flow the reroutes. Hey those are dummies.”
Porthos bites crewman who looks like Emory and who escapes.
Archer: “How can he do all that at once?”
T’Pol: “Duh, does ‘transporter clone’ ring a bell?”
Trip: “I’ll shut down the core. Hey you’re not my ensign, you’re an Emory clone.”
Reed: “They’re everywhere. Kill 'em all!”
T’Pol: “We can boost the radio to interfere so he can’t beam over. Oops, now he using our transporter instead. Sorry, out of ideas.”
Trip: “He’s suckin in a lot of power.”
Emory: “Thanks I’ve got my son. He’s dead, but he’s just a clone anyway. I’ll have to go find my real son.”
T’Pol: “He’s beamed back and is leaving.”
Archer: “Pursuit.”
Mayweather: “Ay-”
Trip: “Captain, he’s beamed out my spark plug. We’re stuck for a few hours till I can make another one.”
Archer: “Blast”
Hoshi: “My shift’s over. I’m gonna take a shower.”
Pander the Panda: “No! 'Tis I! I have come to offer you much in the way of gratuitous sexithings that have ben missing foir lo these many months.”
[Buffy, sensing that this seems like a good time to try to ressurect her carreer, drops trow and moons the camera, which also informs the bridge crew that she isn’t a natural blonde after all.]
Malcolm (in the middle of the shot): “Reminds me. I need a shave…”
Phlox (to himself, under his breath): “Yeah. You’re not gay.”
Porthos chases Quinn The Transporter Man through the room.
Archer: “The hell was that?”
Emory: “I didn’t see nothin’.”
Archer: “Take the tape of that and guess the password, or enhance it something.”
Hoshi dithers some knobs. “It’s coming through!”
Trip: “Coming through what?”
Archer: “Quinn!”
Emory “Ah don’t see nothin’.”
Daughter:“Oh Daddy, just tell him you screwed up fifteen years ago and forgot all about it untill now.”
Emory: “Dammit.”
He he he he 
Hoshi was referring to T’Pol at that moment, right?
Quinn (watching Hoshi dither her knobs): “Hey, baby. Once you go transporter clone, you never go back.”
Hoshi: “Is this because I’m a lesbian?”
T’Pol’s ears perk up.
T’Ripp does a spit take onto River Tam, soaking her thin, cotton tank top as though he used a fire hose.
Quantum (shutting off valve connected to the fire hose): “I have more freinds, you know. Back home in Eureka Springs, I was very popular.”
Sushi (Hoshi’s twin sister): “Hi. I need a spanking!”
Suck Factor 9.
Engage.
Actually, that’s precisely what I meant above in my short post when I said “more later.” I was going to go through the episode and make a bunch of notes and post it under the heading, “How I Would Fix This Episode, a book report by me.” Because I don’t think the general premise for the show is all that bad (better installments have been woven from less), and like always it’s not that Enterprise is a total waste, it’s just that they misapply their energies and miss opportunities for goodness. So as I was watching, I was thinking, good scene, bad line of dialogue, bad scene, good scene that ended too early, bad character moment, good character moment, etc., and thinking about how I would have tweaked it if I’d gotten a chance at a rewrite.
But now I find I really can’t be arsed. I just don’t want to sit through it again.
So instead I’ll dwell on one of the main points I was going to make: the relationship between Trip and Archer. As I have said over and over and over until I’m sure you guys are sick of hearing me say it, episodic television at its finest is not about the standalone plots, and it certainly isn’t about the guest characters; it must be about the regular cast, first and foremost. Otherwise we have a bunch of plastic action figures we can’t identify with and the show rapidly gets boring and stupid. Enterprise suffered from this for the first three seasons, with some positive movement during the second half of last season and especially during what we’ve seen so far this season. (Typical example: the episode where Archer is in Klingon prison, and the big emotional arc is owned by the guest-starring Klingon prosecutor. Archer experiences no personal crisis and does not change; he’s an action figure. This is precisely backwards.)
So during this episode we have a rich and ripe opportunity to learn more about Archer and Trip. The sparks really fly here; there’s some legitimately good material to be mined. But it seems like the people making the show just plain aren’t aware of this. See, in the grand scheme of things the plot about the transporter and its inventor is pretty much irrelevant. Since it’s a prequel, we know this doesn’t exist, so we know it isn’t going anywhere. And besides, the currency of a weekly drama, like I said, should be in the characters, not in their gadgets. So to me, the primary story of the episode should have been about Archer and Trip; the guest star and the conflict he brings in for the week is merely a catalyst for exploring the dynamic between our co-leads.
And then they drop the ball. Sure, most of the stuff that happens through the episode is kinda dumb (the scenes between the inventor and his daughter, being pointlessly ambiguous and containing no actual dramatic movement as they simply argue static positions for what is obviously the ninety-third time in the last five years, are especially inert), but it felt like there was some possible meat in the arguments between Archer and Trip.
But what it needed was a sense that the writers actually knew that this was what the episode was about by actually providing some closure. This episode cried out for a final scene between the two of them. It felt basically inept that the hour closed with that serious friction completely unremarked. This is the same thing I’ve mentioned previously, about how it seems like the episodes are wrapping up abruptly; it’s because they’re so preoccupied with the main superficial plot that once it’s resolved they don’t know what else to do. And that’s totally wrong, as I said above: the main superficial plot is merely the catalyst for what should be the primary interest, which is the cast of regulars and how they see the world and interact with one another.
Now I’m not saying that Archer and Trip need to apologize to one another and get all frolicking-in-the-meadow friendly again, either. In fact, a closing scene where the friction is regularized, where Archer is realizing that in order to be a functional captain he has to sacrifice his friendships and isolate himself and not tolerate the sort of fraternal buddy-buddy stuff he used to, and Trip is realizing that Archer is distancing himself deliberately: that could be interesting and valuable. But in order to have that scene, the writers have to understand what the plot of the show is really about – not this dude we’re gonna see once and then never again.
It’s hugely frustrating to go back and repeat something I’ve been saying for the last three seasons, given what seemed like such positive steps so far this year, but it’s like the show’s producers don’t have a clue what their show is about.
Feh. Now I’m all grumpy again. Poop.
They seem to have forgotten the troubles with the cogenitor, too. Did the Xindi Super Fun Ball wipe all of their memories?
I agree, Tripp and Ar…, Arc…, [gag]… QUANTUM! (sorry, sorry, so sorry. I tried) should be having some serious discussions from time to time. The ameturish slash we keep getting subjected to leaves me feeling empty and tasting metal.
Best episode ever.
And now that is out of the way: interesting as always, Cervaise.
Friction between Archer and Trip would make for good storytelling, but I don’t see how one could keep it up. Archer would have him trasfered or shot. 
It would also get boring after a bit.
Acher/Trip friction makes me think very bad thoughts and I don’t even want to think about what it makes **viva **think.
Even as I hit submit, I knew one of you shmucks would jump on that as a chicken on a june bug,
Takes one to know one.
It takes a chicken to know a June bug?