New pet. Please tell me what to expect.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Thanks to a family that is allergic to every creature under the sun, I have been pet-deprived for virtually my whole life. For years I bit down my disappointment by telling myself I should not have one. I wouldn’t be a good enough provider, it’s cruel to keep it cooped up in the house all day, not ready for the commitment… I went through all the arguments. Well, after recently hitting the big three-oh and taking a good, long look at my life, I found I couldn’t deny it. There was a hole in my heart that only a pet could fill.

So that is why I finally gave in and got me a giant squid.

I’ve always yearned for an Architeuthis dux of my very own, ever since I was six and saw the scale model hanging from the ceiling at Yale’s Peabody Museum of Natural History. One day, I said to myself, I will HAVE that giant squid – right after I get the big kids at school to stop breaking my glasses and stealing my lunch money. Two and a half decades later, my dream was fulfilled. It took repeated blows with a tire iron to the knees of Dr. Clyde Roper to procure one, but it was well worth the effort.

I love it.

I love the way it rolls those great big googly eyes the size of dinner plates at me.

I love the sound of happiness it makes whenever I wrap my arms around its mantle and squeeze it tight (“Spplrrrt!”).

And I love coming home to the smell of ammonia after a long, hard day at the office. It smells like… love, oddly enough.

Sadly, pet literature on giant squids is pretty scarce. Why, I can’t imagine. Oh sure, I have basic information on diet and ideal tank conditions, but not much on, y’know, those cute little idiosyncracies that owners of giant squids the world over have come to know, to adore, and to fear. A co-worker of mine did caution that if I have a boy squid, I need to be careful during mating season because I could get run through by an explosively ejected sperm packet. He didn’t tell me HOW he knew this and got all grumpy when I solicited further information. So I’m turning to you, the Dopers, for help. Surely at least one of the Teeming Millions must own a giant squid or know someone who does? I’d also appreciate any name suggestions as this is my first pet and I’d like it to have an auspicious name.

Thanks!

2

Squiddie is a good name.

Don’t drop him into hot oil!

3

Spermie is another.

I’m glad you found a tank large enough for your squid, I tried keeping one in my bathtub, boy, was that a bad idea. :smiley:

4

Thanks for the suggestions, Captain Blunty! I don’t think I could bear to drop my pet squid into hot oil because of my feelings for him and in this book Jacques Cousteau says the crew of the Calypso found out they’re too tough to eat anyway. However, I have purchased some Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint Squid Shampoo in the economy 52,000-gallon size bottle and am looking forward to giving my squid its first bath (the shampoo instructions tell you to “wet squid and work into a rich, foamy lather”). I think my squid will find the sensation of being mentholated invigorating.

5

Head on down to the fish monger and buy your self a sh!tload of horse mackerel, squid and prawns. If your pet doesn’t get its fill, you’ll be next on the menu.

And the way to a giant squid’s stomach is through its brain. You read correctly. The giant squid’s esophagus passes directly through its brain.

6

Always keep plenty of sperm whales on hand as a tasty treat for your new pet. Make sure they’re on the young side, otherwise you might find yourself witnessing a Battle of Epic Proportions, and that’s sure to wreck your living room. That, and you might find yourself the proud new owner of a pet Giant Sperm Whale (and a former owner of a pet Giant Squid).

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Hi, Darwin’s Finch. Great tip. I had to put the sperm whales into a Tupperware container, though, because it kept snorking them up from the bowl on the counter. A few squirts of air from an empty water pistol were necessary to reinforce the lesson.

8

Do NOT let little Japanese men with sharp knives in your home. Unless you want little Squiddy on the menu at Benihana.

9

Q.E.D., does “little Japanese men with sharp knives” include my dad?

10

Only if he’s a sushi chef. :smiley:

11

For a name, how about Tenticles?

12

Hey, that sounds good! Plus it was the name of a famously bad B-movie, so that’s worth points with me. Some guy I know suggested Overfiend, but he can bite me.

13

Aww, I think those little lap-squids are just so adorable! Give it a name like Muffin or Percy, and you can carry it anywhere; it’s almost like having a new purse or hat.

Some of us want a REAL pet, though. By which I mean something good for home security; something that’ll run up to you and shower you with goofy squid-affection when you come home tired from work; something you can take to the park and impress the girls with; and of course, something that’ll be a real companion, instead of a mere ornament.

Yep, for those of us who like our animals big and playful, nothing beats the Colossal Squid.

I call mine “Buffalo.”

14

Just teach him to hold and fire 4 assault rifles, one shotgun, one pistol, and an RPG launcher, with the 8th tentacle reserved for a speed dial call to 911.

The two big tentacles are for hand to hand combat.

Your house will be an INVINCIBLE fortress!!

15

I recommend getting him a squid wheel - you don’t want the little guy to get lazy and out of shape.

16

Maake sure the Squid-a-trail is big enough for him to squish through.

Think he could help out the SDMB hamster on that squid wheel?

17

Squid have ten tentacles. So, Squiddy can handle a couple more rocket launchers.

18

Just make sure that you are ready for a lifelong commitment. Sure, they’re cute when they’re young and playful and only 75 or 80 feet long, but so many owners of giant squid abandon them when they get big and the novelty wears off. Just remember, every time one of those gets flushed into the municipal sewer system, another Peter Benchley novel gets written.

Obedience training is a must. Some people say that this breed will turn on you, but remember, there are no bad pets, only bad pet owners. But just in case, you should keep a tank of compressed air and a rifle handy at all times.

There’s been a lot of debate about outdoor squid vs. indoor squid. Some people think that it’s cruel to keep a squid confined inside a tiny 20,000 sq. foot tank, while others say that it will be perfectly happy and will live longer without the risk of being run down by oil tankers or eaten by whales. Perhaps a good compromise is to keep it on a lead. Some squid will bite through their steel cable, however, so you must watch it at all times.

If you do keep it indoors and you are away a lot, you might consider a companion squid to keep it company. Sure, it’s a bit more expensive, but the interactions as they frolic together are priceless.

19

Squiddie’s a good name, I guess.

What about Chthulhu, though? Of course, you’ll probably want to put a special collar on him , so you can tell him apart from the poster of the same name.

20

Now there’s a cautionary tale. For God’s sake, don’t do it! Think of the readers!

I like the name Ambergris for a squid. Unless you think it’s kind of morbid?