Serious red flags with this needy person. You’ve gotten good advice, I think, with the use of the Awarenss Wheel for communication from both Waxwing and Richard Pearce.
Perhaps you are at the stage that you could also add the final two components of stating what the consequences of violation of your wishes are and following through with them for noncompliance.
If this is all the more annoying your roommate becomes you are being offered an excellent opportunity to polish your boundary-setting skills. Try to focus on behavioral statements to lessen the emotional response you have to her behavior.
Remind yourself that you are in the driver’s seat here.
She sounds annoying but you also sound very anti-social. Nothing wrong with that, I’m the same way. Which is why I don’t have a roommate, and haven’t since I was 19.
If you’re renting out a room in your house because you need the money, you have to expect a certain amount of annoyance will come with it. Especially if you are very keep-to-yourselves type of people, as you seem to be.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I suspect that the reason you didn’t deal with those most of those things right away was that you were too flabbergasted to even think straight.
You are not overreacting. Yes, you have to be flexible when you have a renter, but some of this lady’s actions are beyond the pale. Using your computers? Handling your jewelry? Uh uh.
I’m not sure a gentle talk would really help here. She seems way too clueless to get it, or she’s too needy to comply. I’d suggest making some hard and fast rules:
You may not touch any member of this household except in cases of emergency.
You may not touch any of our belongings without prior permission, with the following exceptions: (tv remote, kitchen things, whatever.)
As far as the inane chatter, you do NOT have to put up with it. “I’m sorry, but I’m trying to concentrate.” Lather, rinse, repeat. If she won’t stop, then you get more direct. “I can’t listen to you right now.”
And see all the threads we’ve had from people with chatterbox coworkers. I think you’ll find some useful tips there.
Oh, and with her “helpful” suggestions–tell her that you welcome her input and that she’s welcome to submit a written list which you’ll be happy to review.
I always like reminders on why I don’t like having roommates.
Years ago when I had a house and needed some money, my parents pointed out that I had two empty bedrooms and suggested that I rent them out. Knew then it was a BAD idea, the worst possible. Have strangers in MY HOUSE? Fucking with MY STUFF??? The hell you say!
Yes, computers should be protected. But Roomie clearly has no sense of boundaries, because I think that most people would just never think of using someone else’s computer without permission, or handling someone’s jewelry without permission. I don’t know if she was raised in a barn or what, but that’s just not acceptable behavior for anyone over the age of about five.
Seems you’re not really the type of person who’d get along well with a room tenant anyway. You’ve been given some good advice in this thread already, but I’d honestly suggest you review your situation and possibly investigate some other ways to make a little side money.
I would suggest you read some Miss Manners. I have learned very well from her how to say NO with a smile and a firm voice.
“Please leave the ring where it is. I appreciate my things not being moved.” This should have been said immediately after she asked if it was his ring. “Yes. Please put it back, he’ll be looking for it. And please leave it there in the future.”
“Please do not log onto my laptop. I have personal things on there.” Again, immediately.
“Please do not touch my hair. I do not like being touched.”
Every one should be delivered with a very slight, polite smile, and a firm tone of voice. If she presses, then you can up the ante, but I find 95% of the time this works. People don’t expect you to be so firm, they expect you to cave.
These things may sound rude, but we as a society have gotten "rude’ mixed up with “firm” and there is a way to do one without the other. You need to set boundaries.
As for talking to her now, I suggest the hard and fast rules, and delvier them politely but firmly also. And as soon as she is out, when you get the next roomie, make sure the rules are there beforehand, especially since there is no place to go to get away from her.
Whew. I couldn’t live like that, with someone in my space, either. The only way I could do it was if they were in the basement or something and had a separate door.
I think your new roommate needs different roommates.
She is obviously lonely and needs that interaction at home, and you two sound like you just needed the money and not someone to interact with as a new friend.
Ideal roommates have similar needs, expectations and maybe even similar goals and complimentary personalities. This doesn’t seem to be the case in your situation.
Absolutely right. But I don’t care who you are, if you have a computer with personal info on it (and I am talking about info about you personally or other people, or business info), and there are unsupervised people in your house at any time (babysitters, roommates, furnace repair men) you really REALLY need to lock them down. Yes, it’s 30 more seconds of annoyance that you have to log in, but the hurt that can be put on you if someone steals your soc# or logs into your online banking account (because it was saved as a cookie!) is well worth the extra 30 seconds every time you log in.
She does sound annoying, and sometimes there are some people who just rub you the wrong way, but it also sounds like you might be being a little unreasonable. When you have a roommate you’ve got to expect that they will be involved in some ways with the houshold, and it sounds like you and your husband just want the extra money without really accepting that there are compromises that go along with group living, and must be made on both sides.
I say this as someone who has had about 40 roommates over 10 years (no, I’m not awful, there were up to 6 at a time in one house, so they add up fast). The worst places to live are the ones where you get a strong vibe that they don’t really want you there, you are just something to put up with. Some people in this thread have said that they would never rent out rooms - that’s fine, you know yourself - but if you feel that protective of your home and don’t want to share at all, it’s not really fair to expect someone to pay for the priveledge of staying where they’re not wanted.
The biggest issue I would have in your situation is the computer. Heck, I live alone and I’ve got mine set up with a log-in screen, password protected. It gets shut off at the end of the day or when I leave the house. Anyone breaks in, yeah, they’ll steal it but they’ll have to spring for a new hard drive and programs to use it. Anyone visiting will get the message if they try to use it. I can create a separate log-in for a guest staying for a while and who has permission to use it to retrieve their own email, for instance, but they wouldn’t have access to my personal stuff.
All the other issues could be covered in a general, now-that-you’ve-been-here-awhile speech. Make a list before the talk and go through it item by item. Save it on your computer and add to it as things occur to you. Call it something like Rules of the House and the next time (it’s too late for now) you get another roommate, print it out at the interview and give them a copy so both you and the potential roommate each have a clear understanding of what they are getting into. Do they just get to use their bedroom? Do they have living room/kitchen privileges? When? Can they join you when you’re having your meals? Do they have to wait for a certain time? How will you share food? The refrigerator? Which bathroom should they use? Where do they park their car? How about laundry? Can they use your washer/drier? When? How often? Who cleans what? Who buys cleaning supplies? After what hours don’t you want to hear roommates TV/music? Can they have guests in their room? How are expenses divided up?
I’ve never had a roommate but these are things I would want clear right away. I’m sure there are many many others. Someone who likes to chat, for example, won’t be happy with people who never want to talk. But you could say that when you come home from work, for example, you are really in no mood to talk or that you generally like it quiet at certain times and not to take it personally. You should also have all your personal papers, bank info, account numbers locked away. Your bedroom door probably should lock.
That’s all I can think of off the top of my head and not being in your situation. I think you haven’t really thought about your expectations and you just need to be clear about what they are, remembering that no one can probably live up to them all and on what issues you are willing to compromise and what you are not. Not ever touching your computer, for instance, but you’d be ok with a night-owl.
You might have better luck with people who are looking for a short-term arrangement with a known end date – someone who’s between leases and getting married in 3 months, or a grad student who is visiting for the semester, that sort of thing. Basically someone who would stay at Residence Inn if they could afford it, and is instead looking for a low-cost alternative with minimal social obligations. The downside is that you have people coming and going, but that also means that if you get sick of someone, they’ll be moving out soon.
The issue with the laptops is real. Tell her you don’t want her touching your stuff. You don’t have to be rude with her; just be firm.
The rest of it sounds like she’s just a social retard. We all know annoying people. I don’t know if having a talk with her about it is going to do anything but create animosity.
Sounds like you’ve got a pretty good grip on this. If you eliminate one or two of the things she’s doing that annoy you, the others won’t be so bad. It’s a synergistic effect. 1 + 1 doesn’t equal 2… when dealing with annoying people, it’s closer to 10.
