You want to know why I came back so fast? I got to the end of our lane. I couldn’t remember where the old town road was. I went a little ways in the woods. There was nothing familar. Not one damn tree. Scared me half to death. That’s why I came running back here to you. So I could see your pretty face and I could feel safe and that I was still me.
I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.
Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
I have a revolutionary new method called the “Think System”, where you don’t bother with notes.
-“BB”-
On the page it looked nothing. The beginning simple, almost comic. Just a pulse. Bassoons and basset horns, like a rusty squeezebox. And then suddenly, high above it, an oboe. A single note, hanging there, unwavering. Until a clarinet took over and sweetened it into a phrase of such delight! This was no composition by a performing monkey! This was a music I’d never heard.
Next, we’re gonna take you to the streets of New York City for a piece that’s inspired by a couple of my favorite artists. First there’s the illustrator, Al Hirschfeld, who’s been drawing celebrities and Broadway stars for most of the 20th century. And then there’s composer songwriter, George Gershwin who took jazz off the streets, dressed her up, and took her to the concert hall. My friend, Ralph Grierson plays piano on this next number, and it all starts with a single slinky note on a clarinet, and a simple line on a piece of paper.
This is Ellie. And when I had no fans, Ellie was my only fan. The only person in the world who believed in me. And that’s why, tonight, I asked Ed if I could come on and play, because I want to tell her, and you, what I’ve done. Darn it, Ellie, I’ve been untrue. All the songs I’ve sung tonight were really written and performed by four men called John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, and Ringo Starr. The Beatles. They were the real geniuses. Me, I’m just a sort of go-between to, well, get their astonishing stuff into the world. And, uh, I passed their amazing work off as my own, so I could look like I was amazing too.
If it was never new, and it never gets old, then it’s a folk song.
Oh, excuse me! I thought I was completely alone. How embarrassing. Oh, you’re a musician!
Tell me a little about this electric piano, Ray.
Rowlf the Dog: Oh. Broken heart, right?
Kermit: [sadly] Does it show?
Rowlf the Dog: Listen, when you’ve been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you’ve seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every falling star.
Kermit: Exactly. She just walked out on me.
Rowlf the Dog: Ah, typical. That’s why I live alone.
Kermit: You do, huh?
Rowlf the Dog: You bet. I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk, and go to bed.
Kermit: Nice and simple.
Rowlf the Dog: Stay away from women. That’s my motto.
Kermit: But I can’t.
Rowlf the Dog: Neither can I. And that’s my trouble.
(scene is in a saloon/brothel)
Horton: “Pardon me, sir, could you lend me ten dollars?”
Pardner: “Why don’t you go home and go to bed?”
Horton: “I was thinking of doing it the other way around.”
-“BB”-
One man’s trash is another Man’s treasure?
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
9/11,
9/11 who?
You said you would never forget…
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale.
Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
[to the audience he’s performing to] I know you’re out there, I can hear you reloading!
Hear my words! Hear my voice! Ah, you want more than that? I’m gonna scream!
Are you not entertained!?
I’m an amusement park.
I think you’re all f&cked in the head. We’re ten hours from the f%cking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I’ll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. You’re gonna have fun, and I’m gonna have fun… We’re all gonna have so much f@cking fun we’re gonna need plastic surgery to remove our godd@mn smiles! You’ll be whistling ‘Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah’ out of your &ssholes! I must be crazy! I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Sh*t!
I don’t understand it. How can you blow every penny you’ve saved for years on one lousy trip to Europe?
I put it all on Lucky Dan - a half a million dollars to win.