- Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
- Comicus: Stand-up philosopher.
- Dole Office Clerk: What?
- Comicus: Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human experience into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
- Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a bullshit artist.
- Roy : I’m not a criminal. I’m a con man.
Dr. Klein : The difference being?
Roy : They give me their money.
Dr. Klein : That’s a nice rationalization, Roy.
Rationalizations are more important than sex.
Aw, come on, nothing’s more important than sex.
Oh yeah? Have you ever gone a week without a rationalization?
I’ve now realized for the first time in my life the vital importance of being Ernest.
Ernest, I’m not much of a morning person. Do you think we could just keep it down to a dull roar?
Good morning, Pee-wee!
GOOD MORNING, MR. BREAKFAST!
Can I have some Mr. T cereal?
Okay! I pity the poor fool who don’t eat my cereal!
I don’t want your apology. I want my scroll!
No… love means never having to say you’re sorry.
I’m not a smart man, but I DO know what love is, Jenny.
I love you. I’ve loved you for nine years. I’ve just been too arrogant and scared to realize it, and, well, now, I’m just scared, so - I-I-I realize this comes at a very inopportune time, but I really have this gigantic favor to ask of you.
This may seem an inopportune moment to ask, but do you think you could see your way clear to giving us just one more …
Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at hello.
Sorry, wrong number.
He couldn’t find his tally whacker with a six man search party.
Lewis, we’ve had presidents who were beloved, who couldn’t find a coherent sentence with two hands and a flashlight.
We’re going to DEF-CON 4!
“Five, four, three, two–”
“Run.”
I shall now read from the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and duck.
Why a duck?
If she weighed the same as a duck… she’s made of wood.