New Year's Resolutions made by pets

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Dogs:

Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.

I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.

Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.
Cats:
Tell owner about aliens that are only visible in the infra-red spectrum. Before I eat them.

2

Mutt:

I will lay off poaching the cat food.

I will stop pretending that my own genitals taste better than steak.

I will cease to imagine that I can ever catch a squirrel.
Cat:

I will try to stay inside for more than ten minutes at a time.

I will stop thinking that I have more than one home.

I will cease to function as your alarm clock, set for 3:00 AM.

3

Dog: I will stop pooping on my friend’s carpet.

Cat: I will start pooping on that bastard’s carpet.

4

Cat #1: I will make an effort to understand the food chain better, and to grasp the concept that “opposable thumbs” means my human can move me at her whim. I will further attempt to modify my attitude and not act so put out when I am moved at my human’s whim.

Cat #2: Although I understand that my human does love me and she wants to spend time with me, it is not imperative that I climb onto her shoulder and back at every opportunity. I will further try to understand that claws hurt when I use them to climb on my human, and I resolve not to use them, at least not quite so much. She does not appreciate having her skin shredded.

5

There’s only one.

I WILL have the cleanest asshole in the whole damn universe even if I have to lick it non-stop, never to sleep, with God as my witness–it will be done.

6

Daisy-Bob (my dog):

1 - More belly scrathes.
2 - My Christmas chew toy will be completely ripped to shreds before the end of the week.
3 - Develop stealth plan for garbage pail infiltration.
4 - This is the year when I finally get my teeth around a goddamned pigeon!
5 - Most important! Completely overtake my master’s place in the bed. Let him sleep on the friggin’ floor.

7

Banjo (Da Puppy)

  1. I will eat the cat.
  2. I will try to keep the man who feads me happy
  3. I will eat the cat, but not while he’s looking
  4. I’m a goooood puppy.

Notdog (the cat)

  1. The dog must die
  2. The dog must die in such a way as the Human thinks it is his fault
  3. I shall strike the human while he is week
  4. The world, and all the crackers (she’s got a thing for crackers), shall be mine

There’s a mouse living in the wall, but i’m pretty sure it’s only resolutions were to stay alive for another day and to avoide Notdog at all costs.
Upham

8

The Dennison Family Cats

Marble
I will NOT kick all the litter on the floor–I must leave some in the box for clumping or my feet’ll get wet. Also, I will not puke is four separate places for each hairball–why bother with all that walking around?

Sunshine
Sleep is NOT an occupation, I will try to stay away an extra 15 minutes a day since 23 hours is enough forzzzzzzz…

Chestnut
Peta’s hair is not a chew toy–I will NOT eat Peta’s hair <quietly to self as while yanking Peta’s hair from her head> “Peta’s hair is not a chew toy–I will not eat Peta’s hair…I will not eat Peta’s hair…”