Ok you are playing around with your dog or cat and you know they know they are obedient in one way or another. For instance your dog will sit, stay, laydown etc…etc…and one day you get it in your head to be a little silly and ask the dog to give you that flat head screwdriver sitting on the kitchen table in the other room…and he bounds off and grabs it and brings it to you…In your momentary astonishment you then say, bark twice if you are in the living room…ruff-ruff…
Whaaaaat the … ???
What would you do now with a pet that could do anything because they understood everything you said?
First thing I’d do, I’d explain to my cat, Trouble, that I’m not really torturing him for my own fun. It’s medicine. You need it. Without it you will waste away and die of liver disease. So quit fighting and take the damned medicine!
Second, I’d explain to Jasmine, my younger dog, that no one is going to hurt her ever again. She doesn’t need to flinch, cower, cringe and pee everytime someone moves quickly or makes a loud noise.
The other critters, well, they already know I love 'em, but it’d be nice to say it and know they understand.
That out of the way, I’d tell Molly to quit laying on my clothes every morning when I put them on the bed (she’s a calico–her hair shows up on EVERYTHING.) I’d tell Punky to quit getting in fights. I’d tell both dogs to pick up their toys and put them away when they’re done. And Trouble, well, I’d ask him to figure out a way to turn the tub faucet off when he’s done drinking from it.
It would have to die, immediatly! I’d kill it in a swift and brutal fashion to prevent future blackmail attempts or it “ratting me out”.
Reminds me of a funny cartoon I saw in a fine literary work once. It shows a Klansman getting ready for a "night on the town"with his fellows. His wife is knitting on the sofa, and has a startled look on her face. Their pet parror, sitting on a nearby perch, is repeating something he must have heard earlier that afternoon. Something about someone named “Rufus” and him doing something with a big, black object.
First I’d apologize for declawing them, and then I’d explain to them why I can’t let them go outside without me being there. I’d also explain why they have to go to the vet once a year, and that it’s not intended as torture.
Other than that, my cats understand what I say surprisingly well. They know their names and a few words, and will sometimes obey me with just a stern look.
Arwen, darling, your nails are too long. The best choice you can make is to sit still and offer me your paws. Hiding under the kitchen table as soon as you see the nail clippers just doesn’t work now that you weigh 90 lbs.
I say a lot of stuff to my dog even though she’s mostly deaf and only hears if I yell at the top of my lungs. Assuming she could hear and understand, I’d be able to let her know that I’m NOT always eating. She thinks that every time I’m upstairs I must be about to eat, which is not the case, but she follows me around being nosy anyway. If I sit down to read, she sits at my feet and begs as if I’m eating. So I’m forever saying, “Mabel, I’m not eating anything!”
However, it’s so cute that she does that.
I’d be really sad that she’d have to understand all the nasty stuff my dad says about her, though. Like how she’s stupid and we should have her put down because she’s old.
Mabel’s a small dog who’s always underfoot, she sometimes winds up getting accidentally kicked or tripped over. When I do this, I drop to the floor and pet her and tell her I’m sorry, and she gets really happy-looking and licks my face a lot. I’d like to know she understands my apologies when I do that.
And when we go out and she winds up having to pee, poop or barf before we get home (this is very rare, I mean in the neighbourhood of… say twice a year), I’d like to say “Mabel, I understand that you can’t always hold it until we get home, and that’s not your fault. But please, if you must, do this in the kitchen on the smooth floor rather than on the carpet.” Because she always goes for the carpet!
Majyk - Thank you for being so good about me having to give you insulin injections twice a day. You’ve never gotten pissed off about it once, and I’m very grateful for that. Now if you’d just stop planning out your napping spots on a criteria of “where will I be the most in the way”. Oh, and I’m sorry mommy insisted on spelling your name that way.
Powder - Try to understand: We will never hurt you. I know someone, somewhere must’ve treated you very badly before you came into our lives, but that was years and years ago. Those days are over. Yes, you’ve gotten much better over the years, but you still get kind of flippy if we’re not sitting on the couch, not moving too much. We love you, and will never mistreat you.
Merlin - Yes, I know you’re probably tired of hearing us talk about how you’re the dumbest looking cat on the planet, but c’mon, there’s a mirror.
Boo - SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!! 4 AM is not the time to demonstrate your singing talents! When we’re in the computer room, it does not mean we’ve left the country! STFU!! Oh, and just so you’re aware, the potholders are not trying to kill you! If you leave them alone, I promise they’ll leave you alone. I don’t care if they have pictures of kitties on them! And another thing…that sound that you hear when daddy is in the bathroom? It’s urine hitting water. W-A-T-E-R. The stuff you don’t like. So why do you insist on charging in and leaping into the toilet to kill whatever is making that sound?? Haven’t you learned yet that you’re just going to get tossed into the tub when you do that? <sigh> But besides all that, damn if you’re not the most entertaining, loving, trusting and just plain fun cat on the planet. Merlin may look dumb, but Boo, you’re the real deal. And we love you for it.
I’d have to have a long discussion with Angus about why we don’t jump the back fence or chase cars. If I could make him see the light, I could bribe him with not having to be chained up all the time. Stick to home, buddy, and you can have your freedom.
I’d also like to ask what exactly he thinks is in that hole. If it’s a skunk, I want to know about it, but if it’s a cat he can just leave it alone.
Minmei - (siamese teenager) - Look…these boots are made for walking…and thats just what they’ll do…cuz one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over YOU…
So for the last time!! STAY OFF THE WALLS!!!JUST BECAUSE WE LIVE IN A MODERN LOG HOME AND THE WALLS ARE WOODED DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN CLIMB ALL OVER THEM!!!
Furthermore if I catch you on them again you’r getting declawed when mommy and auntie K go to the islands next month! :mad:
I would have to clean up my language pretty quickly, I think!
I would tell Willow that she needs to potty OUTDOORS on her walk, not inside. And I would apologize to Tino for having his nuts removed.
She does understand everything already.
She is an intel agent working undercover on this planet and reports back daily, if not hourly, on her findings on this planet.
I’m pretty sure because of my buffoonery, I have single-handedly kept our planet from being over run by Creatures from the 8th Dimension with the antics of *Homo Sapien Retardous *.
First, I’d stop with the baby talk and condescending remarks about their furry little kitty-brains.
Then, I’d explain to Lucia about the allergy shots, which are not meant to be torture, and try to make it clear to her that if I could trust her not to pee on the furniture in the living room, she might be allowed back in there.
It would also be nice to have the girls understand that a trip to the vet is not a death sentence–the worst that will happen is they’ll get a booster shot–so they can please stop howling and wetting themselves in the carrier.
I know, and you know, that I fed you. If you yowl at me like that, I will not absentmindedly feed you again.
I appreciate you helping me to hear the alarm every morning, but I take it you have not noticed that the alarm does not ring at the weekends. You will NOT starve to death if you get fed an hour or two later.
You know when I come in from work and you’re leaping up to kiss me, and rub against me, and be stroked? That’s love, right? It’s not just that you want to fed, is it? No need to answer.
Retract your claws every so often. That goes for both of you. Thanks.
Just because he lies on the hall bookcase and pretends to be a panther hunting his prey doesn’t mean you have to do it too.
He thinks he’s the boss because he got here first. Stop beating him to a pulp. It hurts his dignity.
I really mean it when I say you are both incredibly gorgeous and I adore you. The stuff about you not being too bright is affectionate badinage.
