Remember, whatever the food happens to be, be sure to give it a dismissive snort and comment that it’s not nearly as good as what you get back in The City.
Wear black. Walk into the party quickly and greet acquaintances by nodding slightly (raise your chin and lower it, once) and not smiling. Absolutely refuse to make eye contact with anyone you don’t know. Leave and go to a better party.
This is brilliant, and you can make a few extra bucks on the side.
You could wear jeans and a dirty white t-shirt, and go as my super. You can go as my local “bent over beggar”. He wears shabby clothes, is always bent over at the waist and says “got an extra quarter?” to everyone walking by. A “homeless, need food” sign, sharpie on cardboard, would be good too.
We have those candy guys in L.A. too, so it’s not specifically New York.
Somebody should explain, to whoever sends them out, that the vast majority of the population loses interest in candy once they pass the age of 11 or so, and therefore Butterfingers and Reeses Cups that have been sitting in a cardboard box in the sun are a drug on the market.
I like the Seinfeld idea. If you could do Kramer, you could tell the people that you “prepared the salad as you bathed”.
That’s very important… it’s never Manhattan, or New York City. Just The City.
Hmm… how about taking some cues from the Fab 5 from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? As Thom Felicia, you can take one look at your hosts’ home and say “Omigod, that looks HAAAHHHHRRRRRRRIBLE!” As Carson Kressley, you can walk about commenting on couture and constantly “tjuzing” your hair and clothes (or someone else’s). Or be Kyan Douglas, and bemoan the lack of appropriate hair products in the bathroom. 
And you can still wear black…
That is funny!
I am tall enough to pull off Kramer…
These are great. My wife thought the trenchcoat idea was pretty good.
You forgot I DO NOT TAKE DRUGS AND I AM NOT ON WELFARE!
You could be an NYC tourist: Stand in everybody’s way, walk excruciatingly slow, stare at the ceiling a lot, and photograph or video everything while wearing a fanny pack and white sneakers.
Oh, don’t forget to complain about the price of everything.
Go as Gordon Gecko
Maybe you could find some cheezy 80’s suit in the thrift store? Also the blue shirt with white collar and cuffs is essential
:eek: I did not know you had those guys in LA. I guess you have a subway, though, so it makes sense. I would love to go out there and ride your subway and see your beggar’s tricks.
Actually, the tourist idea is my favorite so far. And as an authentic out-of-towner, you could pull it off. Make sure your face is shiny with sunblock and your shorts are a liiiiiitle too tight and reveal things which the world would rather not see. You can also carry an unfolded map and ask the cooler-looking people for directions, and totally misunderstand them when you get them. Wearing a kitschy souvenir like an I Heart NY T-shirt or a foam green Statue of Liberty crown would be cool.
But the main thing is indeed to make sure that you are standing immovably in the path of anybody who is trying to get by. That’s the main function of a tourist in New York, who do not understand that we are not strolling on the sidewalks, we’re commuting, dammit.
Whichever New Yawker you choose to go as, be sure and thank your host by getting about two inches from his/her face and shouting
HEYIT’SBEENAGREATEVENINGBUTIREALLYGOTTAGOKNOWWHATIMEAN?LOOKI’LLCALLYOUANDWE’LLHAVELUNCHREALSOONBUTIREALLYGOTTAGETGOING.
Actually, if you wanted to go all out on the tourist thing, you could follow the host around and stand behind her/him waving with a sign proclaming the city you’re from. It’d be so very Today.
Wear a waiter’s uniform and carry a script.
Dress in a solid color, preferably dark green. Affix a portable light to your head (a battery-powered reading lamp with the extended arm would be perfect). Attach a basket containing flowers to your waist. You’re the streetlamp from the 59th Street Bridge song.
Dress all in yellow and hang a facsimile of a taxi medallion around your neck.
Loop some model train track with toy cars glued to it about your person. You’re the Ziparoo at Coney Island.
Sit down, drape upholsery fabric over yourself, and place a whoopie cushion in your lap. You’re a “Bronx Chair.” Okay, not too practical.
Go as Peter Minuit and offer to buy Manhattan from everyone there.
In a similar vein, if you like puns, bring a couple of fish and introduce them as the perches of Manhattan.
Have a good time.
And ask about getting tickets to The Producers or something. A digital camera in a belt pack would be a good accessory as well. If you wanted to go a step further, you could skip the crown and wear one of those tasteless 9/11 commemorative baseball caps like the ones they sell down by the WTC.
How about acting like the homeless woman at the Staten island Ferry terminal? Dress in ragged clothes and stare at the roof rafters, while shouting :
“cocksucker, you stupid SOB, I hated you for whay he did to me…yeagh, SOB, cocksucker, go to hell”…
Repeat endlessly…you’ll fit right in!
Aren’t mimes in the park sort of a NYC cliche? You could paint your face white and be a mime.
Actually, Giuliani had all the mimes shot. And there was much rejoicing.
OK, OK, but seriously you hardly ever see them anymore.
If you can play an instrument, dress cheaply but well, write IF YOU ENJOY MY MUSIC, PLEASE HELP ME MAKE MORE! on a piece of cardboard, and sit on the floor at the party, playing away, with the piece of cardboard propped up against a hat with the brim up and a few coins you’ve thrown in there. Instant street/subway platform musician!
Dress as a pigeon; The City is lousy with them. For added authenticity, one foot should be missing.
Or wear a suit with sneakers and fold your Wall Street Journal into quarters so you can be the guy who sat across from me on the train every morning. Be sure to read the paper in spite of anything else going on around you and never look up.
If you’re going to be a tourist, you need a very large, complicated-looking camera to hang around your neck and one of those laminated maps you bought at the Barnes and Noble in Boise.
If you want to be a drug dealer from Washington Square Park, get yourself a wig of fake dredlocks and wear hip hop gear. Anytime anyone walks past you, mutter “Dimes… trips…”