News from Smamtopia

Smam !!!

One of my favourite threads on the Board was this one…

Please empty the entire two litre bottle of mayonaise onto my burger. Thankyou.

And you said…

Been back there since? Isn’t it about time you tried again?

Wow! I just noticed this. I should do vanity checks more often.

Ok so when I went back about a year and a half later and this is what happened -

It was Summer and I had had a fair bit to drink. Celtic was playing on the big screen but I was drinking in the beer garden because I don’t enjoy football.
I go with my friend to the burger place, he knows the story and we both agree that the guy probably wouldn’t remember as it had been a long time.
I order a Louisiana blackened burger and my mate gets some chicken and sour-cream thing. I am polite and respectable during the whole ordering and waiting for food process. I just want some good food, that is all.
So we leave with our food and go down to a different beer garden, we are not drinking but the pub guy lets us sit in anyway.
I opened up my burger to check for spiking, just in case. There is about 3 heaped teaspoon fulls of red (I assume chilli) powder sitting on top of a tomato. The burger man had remembered me all right.
My friends burger looked okay so he bit into his and then started doing the whole thing where your eyes water and your hand waves rapidly over your mouth. His burger it seems was also tainted.
Drunk as I was I actually ate my burger. The red powder sat neatly on top of a huge tomato slice which I picked off and threw away. I got most of the powder off the inside-top of the bap as well. It was still spicy after all that but I still ate it and I think I enjoyed it.

Anyway, I wanted revenge so this is what happened next. Keep in mind I am not proud of my actions and I still wish I had just went home that day.

I walked back into the burger shop and proclaimed that the burger I had just ate was great but I was still hungry so I asked him to make me a sausage and fried egg on a roll. I was totally fucking cool, I could not believe how laid back and yet brazen I was and if the burger guy was cofused he did not give anything away either.
So I wait until he is half way through the cooking, and I saunter into his toilets still keeping up the act. Inside his loo, I am so not proud of this but I piss on everything except the urinals. Honestly there must have been over a litre of piss that came out and I was squirting it up the walls and everywhere. There was a little pyramid of about 10 toilet rolls which I saturated. The place was a mess.
I walk out the loo and tell the guy to keep his egg and sausage because I don’t want it, I grab a muffin from a tray and tell him I am keeping this as compensation ( I was drunk remember) and I tip him off to the mess I have just left his toilets in.
Burger guy is going totally fucking ape-shit, he is coming around his counter as I walk out the door. We were both outside and I launched his muffin at him. He caught it though, it was a pretty good catch. There then followed a long shouting match, I was dodging him like a bull fighter as he continually marched on my position. He was like late forties and I was early twenties, even though I was drunk I felt I could have waltzed around him all day. I kicked over his bins and stuff.
So the guy shouts “Get that fucker!” and I look behind me. I was startled to see 3 guys around my age standing at the door of a curry shop across the road. They start coming towards me and I run past the burger guy who throws his skillet type thing at me. It nearly hits me.
My mate is in the street with his engine running (thank fuck) so I jump in and we take off. Then the funniest thing happened. One of the curry guys was still chasing after the car and we both watched him slip and fall to the gound in a painful clatter. Sick but funny it was a pure comedy fall and we drove off, both drunk, laughing like drains and not giving a fuck.

But I regret it all now. It was completely bad form. A lady I knew and respected was in the restaurant at the time and she told me later that I had acted like a hooligan and had dissapointed her etc.

And the most fucked up thing is that a year or two later I went back to get a burger for my girlfriend and I. I checked the place out and made sure the burger guy wasn’t there. I go in and order what would have been ‘the usual’ if it wasn’t for a ‘bap incident’ many years ealrlier. As the guy cooked the burger I was feeling pretty nervous. Through the window I saw a car parking up outside and my stomach - like my burger - flipped as my nemesis got out of the car. With a sigh I pulled up my hood and left without my burgers as the guy came in. He spotted me and asked why I came back, I said “I’m sorry.” then kept walking.

I have never been back.