Next on Fox: Who Wants To Marry A Penniless Animator?

Regis Philbin: Welcome ladies and gentlemen to …

Crowd: “Who Wants to Marry a Penniless Animator!”

Regis: Lets meet our contestants! Contestant number one is twenty-one years old and works part-time as a cashier at Tower Records, although she seems to think of herself as a poet. Her hobbies include tattoos, piercings and snickering under her breath at her customers choice in music. Her friends describe her as “that one with the hair, right?” and secretly call her “Human doodle pad” behind her back. Lets meet Raina.

Crowd: Yay!

Raina: Whatever…

Regis: Charming. Contestant number two is a thirty-eight year old slightly bipolar picture framer. Her hobbies include candles, incense, and telling remarkably unfunny stories about a remarkably unremarkable cat. She has an incredible body that doesn’t quite make up for her habit of blinking just enough to keep her eyes from drying out, but not frequently enough to not be creepy. She’s most commonly referred to as “That cat lady in 4-B” and she doesn’t seem to think being eleven years older than the prospective groom would be a problem. lets welcome Marsha.

Crowd: Yay!

Marsha: Ummm, I could plot your star charts for you if you like.

Regis: Maybe later hon. Contestant three is a twenty-one year old coffee shop employee and telephone psychic who’s hobbies include snuff films and painting in the “Big monster head” style. When not shopping for black vintage clothes or cutting scars into her arms she can be found breaking bottles in a vacant lot. Her friends call her “Creepy Girl” and marvel at her encyclopedic knowledge of “The Cure” lyrics. Lets meet Shada!

Crowd: Yay!

Shada: You are just so lame…

Regis: Well folks, I’ve just been informed by the stage manager that the prospective groom has just, quite literally, run of the building, leaving a cartoon-like silhouette of his body in the brickwork. So join me next time when we answer the question…

Crowd: “Who Wants to Marry a Penniless Animator!”

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Are you coming to the Bay Area Dopers meeting? We have got to meet - your writing style is too great!!


I am a redhead, you see, and I do not tempt. I insist. -Cristi