Okay…to reiterate again, my bandwagon picks are only who I want to win that week. So they’re not that serious. (How my picking two different teams that already lost by the time I was making the post failed to drive that home is beyond me.) And I’m not too concerned about missing, because I know it’s gonna happen, and nothing I can do but stop rooting for that team.
Ah, heck with it. Next time don’t even put up numbers. That should do it.
Anyway, to close out on a positive, or at least positivish note, here are my top 5 games of the week:
5. Broncos 37, Cardinals 7
A classic example of Cards late season football. Completely meaningless game, out of the playoffs since the start of the Christmas shopping season, completely meaningless game. And they still tank. And because this gives them a chance at a higher draft pick, that’s the right thing to do.
Jesus footballin’ Christ. How the hell does this ridiculous excuse for a franchise get fans?
4. Jets 42, Packers 17
If ever a game completely illustrated how this insane season has gone, this is it. The Jets, who weren’t even supposed to be contending, and in an absolute must-win game against a powerhouse, absolutely MOP THE FLOOR with them. At around week 4 or 5, Tom Jackson mentioned how desperate they were to find “something, anything, that they’re good at”. And they found it. I can’t explain it. The Jets themselves couldn’t explain it.
(Like we needed any more proof that Bill Parcells was just in the right place at the right time. “Turns horrible teams into champs” my butt.)
3. Buccaneers 15, Bears 0
“With a win, the Bucs clinch the #2”…yeah yeah, blah blah blah. The real story, of course, is the ending of The Curse. I mentioned how there are certain things in the NFL that always happen, right? It doesn’t matter if the Packers have twenty Hall of Famers, when they enter the Metrodome, they are toast from the first snap. Same with the Buccaneers never winning in sub-40 degree weather. Well, one wonderful, magical Sunday night, they not only got the win, but a shutout. There’s hope for this crazy league yet.
2. Browns 24, Falcons 16
No mountains of confusing scenarios. No cheerleading for other teams. No silly math. None of this “backing in” BS. The Cleveland Browns got into the playoffs the way a team should…by playing hard, never giving up, never letting up until the final second, and winning their game. Remember, all the Falcons had to do was run out the clock. But this, probably the grittiest AFC North squad of all, refused to lie down, refused to believe that they didn’t have a chance. It culminated, fittingly enough, in two straight completely dead stops of Warrick Dunn.
The Browns, who suffered an almost endless run of bad luck for an eternity, are in the playoffs.
And I don’t care if you’re the biggest Steelers fan on the planet, you gotta love it.
1. Patriots 27, Dolphins 24
Q: How the HELL did the Dolphins lose??
A: Simple. They Dolphinned the game.
An excruciatingly painful recap, and I’m not even a Dolphins fan.
4:59 to go - Olindo Mare, who missed a 47-yard field goal earlier, makes good here. Dolphins are up by 11. All they have to do is not give up two touchdowns or a touchdown with a 2-point conversion and a field goal in five minutes, and they’re in the playoffs.
2:46 - A somewhat ticky-tack pass interference penalty (is it just me, or do the Patriots get a LOT of these?) leads to a Patriots touchdown, and Christian Fauria is left absolutely untouched in the end zone for the creamcuff deuce. Lead now 3.
Okay, no need to panic. You still have the lead, so all you need to do is take the kickoff and run out the clock. One first down will do it. If you can’t run it out, get a good punt and pin them deep, and it might be enought ow in.
Ensuing kickoff - Oh my god…don’t tell me that the Dolphins assumed…assumed! ASSUMED!!…that it’d be an onside kick and didn’t leave even one man deep! Morons, morons, MORONS! Don’t take a crazy gamble with the game still far from decided, especially when it’s vital to your playoff chances (did I mention this already?)! Well, they assumed, and…it definitely did not go well for them. Dolphins pinned on the 4.
Okay…no need to panic. You can still win by running out the clock. If not, run as much time off as possible, then get a BIG punt and stuff them flat-out stone cold on defense, and pray that Vinateri misses. It’s a lot harder now, but it’s still winnable.
Ensuing possession - Knowing that running out the clock is absolutely crucial now, here’s how the drive went:
1st down: Incomplete pass.
2nd down: Incomplete pass.
3rd down: Busted play; scramble for 7 yards.
What the FREAK?? I’ve had muscle spasms that took more time than this drive! Like, you couldn’t give Ricky Williams the ball even once? You know, your best runner? Even if he’s completely stuffed, that’s still better than a freaking INCOMPLETE PASS!
2:18 - All right, I don’t have to tell you that Dolphins are in serious trouble now, and there’s a chance they might lose this outright. Now, let’s say that you’re a punter in this situation. Youre team’s on the 11. It’s a win-and-in game for your team, so you really, really want to make this punt count. What do you do?
a) Kick it to the moon. Get it as damn far down the field as you possibly can.
b) Kick it a little lower than usual, aim away from the return man, and hope that he misses it and it gets a good roll.
Well, if you’re Dolphins punter Mark Royals, you go for c) Do a titanic flub job that’d make a JV player die of embarrassment and give the Patriots excellent field position while running barely enough time off to kick yourself.
1:09 - Adam Vinateri nails the 43-yarder, and the Dolphins meltdown is complete.
I remember mentioning something a long time ago about the Lions making several million blunders in the final minutes to kill any chance of a comeback. Well, this…a game where the Dolphins led by 11 points, and EVERYTHING was on the line…just blows it away.
I look at teams like the Bengals and wonder how they get fans. I look at teams like the Dolphins and wonder how they avoid losing all their fans.
Yep, the good times pretty much began and end in that damn '72 season I’m never going to hear the end of, huh? 
Thank you, you’ve been a great audience the whole season. Really. And I can’t wait to get started on my playoff picks. (And they won’t even be bandwagon picks. Yeah, I’m feelin’ good.)