As promised earlier.
Allow me to kick this off by listing the three teams that I’m extremely grateful didn’t make it.
The Patriots, a.k.a. the Diamondbacks times a hundred -
“Forget Desert Storm. Nobody gets that much free pussy twice in a lifetime.” - Nick Fury
Okay, I love a good underdog story as much as the next bandwagoner, but geez, enough already. I mean, how many ticky-tack pass interference calls, wild bounces, letter-perfect 2 point conversions, and Adam Vinateri miracles can one team GET?? I almost fainted when the Dolphins all but took an intentional safety, and you can bet that I was actively rooting for the Jets to please, PLEASE end the madness.
And let’s not kid ourselves…they were lucky, damn, DAMN lucky to win the Super Bowl. Forget the tuck rule (if it’s possible at all after hearing it mentioned approximately 500,000 times this season, not including Raiders games); how the hell did they beat the RAMS? Okay, thinking they had it in the bad before the game even began was just brain dead, but they had plenty of time to recover, and no way in hell was that Kurt Warner’s usual game.
It’s almost scary to think of how a Patriots-Colts matchup would turn out…probably with Peyton Manning throwing eight interceptions and the Pats running back a kickoff back 60 yards and leaving one second on the clock to set up an Adam Vintateri straight-down-the-chute 55-yard field goal for the win. As Tuesday Morning Quarterback likes to say, “Ye gods.”
The we-can-only-play-until-December Dolphins -
Ye gods. Has there ever been any team in any sport that’s had as many late-season (and playoff) chokes, flubs, tank jobs, and outright meltdowns than this one? “Squish the Fish?” Why bother, when they do such a good job on their own.
I don’t see why everyone gets on the Red Sox. At least you can usually explain why they screw up. The Dolphins are a squad that mails in it at some point just because they’re the Dolphins. I’ll ask it again, why have they not lost all their fans?
The what’s-the-point Saints -
They may really be better without Ricky Williams, but no way in hell are they going deep into the playoffs. They’ve just been saved some embarrassment.
Before I make my playoff picks, let’s make a resolution here and now: If a team’s only won one Super Bowl, no way in hell is it one of the great teams. I mean, any team can win one Super Bowl (except for the Bengals, of course 
). The Bears, Rams, Ravens, and Patriots all have one. Anyone consider them powerful or storied today?
All right, on to the picks:
Colts
This year’s squad has plenty of talent all around, but they just don’t step up against tough opponents, and there’s no other kind in the playoffs. Beating the streaky Jets will be enough, and it doesn’t get any easier from there.
PREDICTION: They’ll make some noise, like they always do. And fall short of the Super Bowl. Like they always do.
Jets
Every game with the Jets has been a coin flip, and while that’s enough to get them in, it’s not going to carry them past Pittsburgh or Oakland, let alone Tennessee.
PREDICTION: They get one win, maybe two, before the pendulum on the Trilateral Illuminati One World Commission Govermment Master Clock swings the other way and they get flattened.
Browns
They battled hard to make it this far, but they’re in way over their heads now. The smart money has them losing in the first round. Even if they find a way past the Steelers, there’s little to no chance of them winning it all.
And in a weird way…maybe that’s exactly why they’re going to win it all. I mean, who would’ve put money on the Patriots or Ravens? And yet, when the games were actually played, somehow, SOMEHOW absolutely everything went their way and they completed the most incredible runs imaginable to take the ultimate prize. Don’t forget the Broncos first SB, this after getting steamrolled in four previous contests.
Sure, the Browns walking away with the Vince Lombardi Trophy is totally crazy. But it’s been a totally crazy time for the NFL in recent years, and, as Chris Berman points out so often, there’s a reason they play the games.
PREDICTON: Aw heck. It probably won’t happen. But you never know…
Steelers
They’re in pretty good shape, but they lost at least a couple of games they should’ve won (and tied another). The quarterback situation looms large, as does Jerome Bettis’ health. Raw talent will be enough to get them past the Browns, but every step after that will be an uphill battle.
PREDICTION: As with the Dolphins, the glory days are long over. Either the conference championship or Super Bowl loser, but no further.
Titans
After a horrendous start, they’ve turned it completely around and now look like a team that’s actually serious about winning. Having no Pro Bowlers is a major sticking point and will give them tremendous motivation to prove that it’s a team that wins the Super Bowl, not one or two stars. And of course, they desperately want to erase the memories about “The Longest Yard! The Longest Yard! Brawwwk!”…as if they were absolutely guaranteed to win in overtime, but that’s another issue.
PREDICTION: The class of the AFC. If anyone can do it, they can.
Raiders
Old? That just means they know how to win. And isn’t ironic that, with all the concern about getting fatigued in the latter part of the season, they were 7-1 during that stretch? Some really likable stars, a personal record sacrificed for the sake of the team, and making liars out of nearly everybody…how could you not love them.
PREDICTION: If they’re going to do it, now is the time. There’s no reason to doubt that they can.
Giants
Hey, if the Yankees couldn’t steal a championship in the first ever Post Nine Eleven World Series, what chance does this faceless bunch have. Especially when they don’t have that “worst team” BS mojo working for them anymore.
PREDICITON: Exit in the first or second round.
49ers
This is a much weaker squad than the ones that used to dominate the NFC West, and they’re without a superstar quarterback. Not good.
PREDICTION: 1-2 wins, no more.
Falcons
Did I mention how much I hate one man teams? Weaknesses in fundamentals could really come back to haunt them.
PREDICTION: No idea, but they’re not winning the Super Bowl. Count on it.
Packers
Like the Broncos, this is a team that’s been in a steady slide since their Super Bowl win. Additionally, they’re a lot more prone to the Crazy Inexplicable Loss than they used to be, and of course, just one of these knocks you out of contention. In fact, that’s exactly what happened with the Rams last season.
PREDICTION: History repeats itself (although not as spectacularly as Brett Favre’s six-interception game) and the Pack falls somewhere along the line.
Eagles
I’ve cheered for this team enough times to let you know that I love seeing them win. I don’t buy the Ewing Theory at all, but they’re clearly deep and balanced enough to win without Donovan McNabb. Which, of course, also illustrates the point that it’s the team that wins, not the lone megahyped megastar.
PREDICTION: By far one of the favorites. Absolutely no reason they can’t win it all.
Buccaneers
One of the most remarkable turnarounds I’ve ever seen in this league. The best part is that there’s no one reason you can point to…it’s just plenty of hard work, good personnel decisions, and getting quality players in every unit. This is a team that started with absolutely nothing and built itself into a contender brick by brick. How fitting is it that they now have their best Super Bowl chance ever.
PREDICTION: Tanned, focused, and loaded. If they can somehow contain the Eagles, the worst-to-first journey concludes in January '03.
So, in summary, the Titans, Raiders, Eagles, or Buccaneers will win it all. And if not them, the Browns.
