Did you hear about the drum set that fell of the cliff?
ba-dum-CRASH!
Who was our tallest president?
Dwight D. Eiffeltower.
…and a dog does on 3 legs?
Three guys walk into a bar.
You’d think at least one of them would have saw it coming.
What do you call a boomarang that won’t come back ?
A stick.
What do you call an uncircumcised Jew ?
A girl.
This is one that I was going to use!
I also like:
A horse walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “So, why the long face?”
And:
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not terrified and screaming like the people in the car with him.
And:
When geese are in a V formation, why is one side longer than the other?
Because there are more geese on that side.
Where was Moses when he blew out the candle?
On the other side. Oh, did I mention the chicken?
What’s big and red and eats dissenters?
China.
What’s big and blue and eats dissenters?
Wedgewood china.
Told to me, a Smith, by (naturally) another Smith:
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
–Because that’s how many have phones.
Termite walks into a bar.
“Is the bar tender here?”
Did you hear about that ship carrying a cargo of yo-yos that hit a reef?, it has sank 87 times so far.
Are you a turtle?
You bet your sweet ass I am!
To contribute:
Two psychiatrists meet on the street.
The first one says, “How am I?”
The second one says, “Fine, how am I?”
Feel free to flame
What did the monkey say when he fell out of the tree?
Nothing, because he was dead.
Why did they bury the fireman behind the hill?
Because he was DEAD!!!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
I was dead
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree
It was stapled to the monkey!
Yay! Lightbulb jokes!
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.
How many teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Sixteen. You got a problem with that?
How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Thirty. Twenty to bring refreshments, nine to clean up, and one to change the bulb.
How many Highland Park women does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.
How many Aggies does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to climb the ladder and change the bulb, and four to rotate the ladder with the guy on it.
My favorite knock-knock joke from Jack & Jill magazine (I think), ca. 1966.
(told in rapid succession)
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Ether.
Ether, who?
Ether Bunny!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Notha
Notha, who?
Notha Ether Bunny!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Bunja.
Bunja, who?
Bunja Ether Bunnies!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Cargo.
Cargo, who?
Cargo beep-beep, run over all the Ether Bunnies.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo, who?
Don’t cry, the Ether Bunny will be back next year.