I’m in search of the funniest joke dirty or not. What do you got?
What’s green and smells like bananas?
Monkey puke.
What?? My kid loves that joke. 
Well, this is not one of the best, but a friend of mine really enjoys it.
There´s this drunkward who is returning home at 4 AM after being drinking for several hours. Then a nun passes by him and he jumps over her and starts kicking the hell out of her. After finishing beating her up he stands in front of the poor nun and yells “so you though you were unvincible, batman?”.
Allrigth, it´s awful, still, I got tons of jokes, so you need but ask.
Nothing.
We have loads of really horrible ones, though.
What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a cadillac?
I don’t have a cadillac in my garage!
A couple have been married for 15 years…in all of these 15 years the husband would never let them have sex with the lights on. Always had to be in the dark and just once his wife would like to do the deed with a light shining. So she gets and idea…she hides a flashlight under her pillow and that night in the middle of their playtime she shines the light right on him and finds him holding a vibrator. Shocked she yells “Is this what you’ve been doing for the last 15 years??” he replies with an astonishing “yes” now angry she asks him “and just when do you plan on explaining this?” calmly he replies “right after you explain the 4 kids”
Me: How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to change a lightbulb?
You: How many?
Me: You want to go bike riding!!!
good evening
i am almost positive that i read this joke here before, but i do not remember who posted it originally.
“why are elephants large, gray and wrinkled?” “if they were small, white and smooth they would be asprin.”
A blonde a redhead and a brunette (yea yea yea) are all standing on the roof of a burning building. The firemen have spread a blanket out and are holding it below them. They yell for the brunette to jump.
Brunette: “No way I’m not jumping down there what if you miss me?”
Firemen: “Don’t worry we’ll catch you!”
The firemen finally convince her to jump but just before she reaches them they move the blanket and SPAT! She hits the ground.
Firemen: Okay now it’s your turn, jump and we’ll catch you
Redhead: no way! I saw what you did to her you’re not going to catch me you’ll move the blanket!
Firemen: no no we love redheads we just hate brunettes that’s all come on we’ll catch you
redhead: okay fine jump
again just before she reaches saftey they move the blanket…SPLAT!
Firemen: okay now, you’re the only one left, jump for it
Blonde: no I don’t trust you!
Firemen: We love blondes we’ll catch you I promise.
Blonde: I still don’t trust you …put the blanket down on the sidewalk and step away!
(need I add the splat?
I love joke threads.
Two blonds are looking at some tracks. “They’re moose tracks!” one insists.
“No, they’re wolf tracks,” the other one says.
And while they are arguing the train hits them.
Little Timmy is in Sunday School. His teacher asks, “What part of your body goes into Heaven first?”
“Oh, I know,” says one kid. “It’s your head!”
“That’s a good answer,” the teacher says.
"Oh, I know, " says yet another kid. “Your soul does!”
“Good, very good,” says the teacher. “Timmy, what part of the body do you think gets into Heaven first?”
“Your feet,” says Timmy.
“That’s interesting,” says the teacher, “why do you think that?”
“Because last night I got up to get a drink of water and I went by my parents’ bedroom. There was Mommy with her feet in the air and Daddy lying on top of her. Mommy was yelling ‘Oh God, I’m coming, I’m coming’ and if it wasn’t for Daddy holding her down, she would have already been there!”
Shamus goes to the States for a visit with kin, and sees his first baseball game in Yankee Stadium. Upon returning home, he tells his pub buddies of the experience: (best told with an accent)
First, a bunch of men came oot of a cave, and most of them got to guard potato sacks, and they flung a little ball all aboot.
Then a big man all dressed in black came oot and he stood behind a crouchy-down man. A fellow wi’ a big stick came oot of the other cave, and he waved the stick all aboot, and stepped in front of the crouchy-down man.
A fellow in the middle flung the tiny ball at the man with the stick, and he smacked it, and away it flew! The folk watchin’ this leapt to their feet and screamed, “Run, ye bastard!” Away he went, runnin’ like the wind, jumpin’ on all the potato sacks, 'til he was back where he started, and into his cave he went.
Two more fellows, each bigger than the first repeated the same scene, smackin’ the tiny ball, and the crowd each time would holler, “Run, ye bastard!”
Finally a giant of a man came oot of the cave. He waved his stick all aboot, and scuffed up the earth with his shoes, makin’ a mighty mess. The crouchy-down man would na’ be behind him, and the fellow in the middle would na’ throw the tiny ball right at him. Instead, they had a short game of catch, and the man in black hollered somethin’.
The giant man was disgusted, as he threw away his stick and started to run. I leapt to me feet and hollered, “Run, ye bastard!” The lady in front of me turned aboot and told me he didna have to run, and when I asked her why, she told me that he had to walk, on account of him havin’ four balls! I d’know how she knew this private thing!
Surprised as I was, my brothers, I shouted, Walk w’ pride, Man. Walk w’ pride!"
What’s invisible and smells like a worm ?
A bird fart 
What’s green and eats nuts?
Syphilis.
Not the best… but these should do:
A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there’s nothin’ special… we just flat out tell 'em they’re gonna die…
Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didn’t want any advice.
**What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can’t understand **
Hey, they were funny when I was drunk, ok?
Have you heard the new WWIII joke?
Me: Knock knock
You: Who’s there?
…
If a man speaks, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Two penguins were sitting in a bathtub, and one asks the other to pass him the soap. He responds, "What do you think I am?! A Microwave?!!?!
enjoy the confused looks. that’s the funny part. . . .
What’s the German word for brassiere? (as in bra)
Kiepsemfrumfloppin.
What’s the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull out the meat.
What’s the difference between a rattlesnake and a limp d**k?
There ain’t no difference. You don’t f**k with either one of them.