What did Helen Keller famously say when she was honored at the world disabilities conference May 1st 1943?
mquaannsssjuddissyydddooooofffaaaa . uuuuhh
A guy is driving down the New Jersey Turnpike towards New York when he sees a truck driver waving him to the side of the road. So he pulls over and the truck driver comes over and says, “listen buddy, you’ve got to help me. My truck’s loaded with fifty penguins that I’m taking to the Bronx Zoo, but it’s broken down and I can’t run the refrigeration unit, and I’m worried they’re going to get overheated. If I give you 200 bucks, could you take 'em to the zoo for me?”
The driver thinks a minute and says, “Sure, why not.” So they open up the truck and the penguins hop down into the car, one by one, and the driver takes off.
Sometime later, the trucker manages to get his rig fixed, and continues on into Manhattan. As he’s driving up Fifth Avenue, he’s shocked to see the guy he’d stopped earlier, strolling down the sidewalk with with fifty penguins trailing behind him, each one with an ice cream cone.
The trucker leans out his window and yells, “hey, buddy! I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!” The guy sees him and yells back “Well, I did! But I had some money left over so I though I’d buy them a snack and take them to a movie, too!”
A blonde, a redhead, a brunette, a priest, a rabbi, a minister, a white guy, a black guy and an Arab guy walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
A guy dies and finds out he’s been sent to hell. Lucifer greets him at the Hellmouth and decides to show him around.
He’s surprised to see the place isn’t as bad as he thought. Lucifer explains, “Yeah, I suppose heaven is better. We have three-star restaurants, theirs are five-stars. They have an 18-hole golf course, ours is only 9 holes. The weather’s great up there… it rains every once in awhile here.”
Then Lucifer takes him up over a hill where the guy sees a pit of fire and brimstone, with the souls of the wicked being tortured and torn to pieces. So the guy asks, “Well then what’s that?”
Lucifer says, “Oh, that. That’s for the Catholics. They insisted on it.”
A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He scarfs down his meal, pulls out a gun, fires bullets all over the place and gets up and starts to walk out.
The manager asks, “Hey, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”
The panda says, “What do you think I’m doing? I’m a panda bear. Read the dictionary.”
So the guy grabs a dictionary and looks up “panda bear” where it says, “Large black and white mammal related to raccoons. Eats shoots and leaves.”
Blatantly thieved from Futurama:
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The rabbi turns and says, “Isn’t there a joke about us?”
Blatantly thieved from CarTalk:
Q: What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French kitchen?
A: Linoleum Blownapart
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who know binary and those who don’t
I know a wildly offensive joke with stereotypes about a covetous Jew and a lecherous priest, but I don’t think I’ll fire it off unless people want to hear it.
This guy is sitting alone in a bar drowing his sorrows. Nature calls and he gets up to take a leak. In the bathroom he notices something in one of the stalls. He hesitates but returns to the bar. As he thinks about the strange thing he saw in the bathroom, a light goes on in his head. He runs back into the bathroom, flings open the stall door and confronts the little man sitting there. “You’re a leprachaun aren’t you?!?” Shouts the man. “Uh, aye, a leprachaun I be laddy.” The man continues exitedly: “So now that I’ve caught you, you have to grant me a wish, right?” “Aye, tis true” replies the leprachaun “but there is one small catch.” “What’s that?” asks the man. “You have to let me bugger you in the ass before I grant your wish.” The man recoils with disgust, but then he pauses and considers what he could wish for and decides it’s worth it. He drops his pants and the leprachaun goes to work. “So, what be yer name, laddy?” asks the leprachaun. “Uhn… Steve.” “And Steve, how old be ya?” “Ugh, 32” grunts Steve. “Oh Steve, 32 years old and still believing in leprachauns, huh?”
Another, slightly cleaner:
In a bar on the roof of a very tall building, a man is sitting alone at the end of the bar, downing tequila shots. After a few, he walks out onto the terrace, climbs over the railing, and jumps off the roof. The other patrons recoil in horror, but are even more amazed when the man steps out of the elevator and back into the bar. One of the other patrons approaches the man and asks how he did that. “Well, ish like dis” slurs the man “dis tequila is shpeshal, You drink shome of dis, and when you fall, jush before you hit the ground, you shlow down and land gently.” The other patron is very excited by this and runs to the bar. He orders several shots of the same tequila, downs them, and runs out onto the balcony to repeat the stunt. The bartender shouts at him, but it’s too late. The man goes over the railing and splats onto the pavement below. The bartender turns to the first guy at the bar and says “Damn Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk!”
Little Timmy is in Sunday School and he’s really tired. He knows he’ll fall asleep soon so he turns to the kid behind him and tells him “Wake me if the teacher calls on me.”
Soon the teacher asks Timmy “Who created the Earth?” The kid behind him jabs him with a sharpened pencil.
Timmy jumps and yells “God!”
“Good, very very good,” the teacher says. Timmy falls asleep again, but soon the teacher asks “Timmy, who was the son of God?”
The kid behind him jabs him with the pencil again. Timmy jumps and yells “Jesus!”
“Good, very, very good,” says the teacher. Timmy falls asleep again as the teacher continues to lecture. Then she turns to Timmy and asks “What did Eve say to Adam after she’d had their 42nd child?”
So the kid behind him jabs him with the pencil and Timmy jumps up and yells “Dammit, if you poke me with that thing again I’m gonna break it in two!”
Two guys walk into a bar. Why didn’t the second one duck?
Knock Knock.
who’s there
I’m a pile up.
I’m a pile up who
(say it outloud. It’s funny)
Knock knock.
who’s there
Interupting cow
interupting cow whMOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(beware, non PC)What’s black and white and red all over?
Nun with a sunburn
Newspaper
interacial couple in a car accident
Well, another awful one…
There is this empty bar and it´s 5:00 AM. The bartender is about to close when a very drunk guy comes in, runs into the toilet and begins puking. Soon another one steps in and falls unconscious over a table. Then, a third one comes in and colleapses over the bar. The bartender, relly pissed off, grabs the last guy by the hairs nad says “do you want something?”. The guy, in a very low voice replies “Yup, a whiskey sour for me and a shoot of tequila for my frined in the bathroom”. The bartander asks “and that friend of yours lying on the ground won´t be taking nothing”. The guy says “you crazy? he´s gotta drive”.
Do you know the one about the dog called “mytits”? heh,heh,hehe
God and St. Peter were looking over their lists when they realized they had inadvertantly sent an engineer to hell, when he should have been admitted to heaven. Of course, they got Satan on the phone and told him there’d been a mistake, this guy belonged in heaven and Satan should send him right up.
“No way” said Satan. “The guy is great. He’s built bridges over the endless pits of fire, put in escalators, and even air-conditioned the place. No way I’m sending back”.
God said “Look, we sent him down there by accident. He belongs up here. We need him up here. All I have are architects. Everything looks pretty, but nothing works. You need to send him back right now!”.
“No. No way” was Satan’s reply.
“If you don’t send him back immediately, I’m gonna sue your red ass” said God.
“Oh yeah” said Satan, “Where’re you gonna get a lawyer?”
There was a Jewish man, who had only one son. He did everything he could to train him in his faith and teach him well. When his son was 21, he sent him on a trip to see the Holy Land.
His son came back, and he said to his father, “Dad, I’m not sure how to tell you this, but while I was in the Holy Land, I… I… I became a Christian.”
Well, the man went to his rabbi to discuss the situation, and ask how something like this could have happened to him, when he did everything right, and tried to teach his son everything. The rabbi said, “Well, you know, it’s funny that you should say that, because I had almost the same experience. I had a son, and I taught him about our faith, and I sent him to the Holy Land, and when he returned, he too had become a Christian.”
So they decided to pray together, and seek guidance from God about the source of their suffering. They asked Him, “God, how could this happen to us? We brought up our sons as well as we could, and we sent them to your Holy Land, and when they came home, they had become Christians!”
And God spoke to them. He said, “You know, it’s funny that you should say that…”
After years of hatred, fighting, and terrorism, a peace accord is finally reached in Northern Ireland. On the first anniversary of this historic occasion, an enormous celebration is held in Belfast, and the Queen of Enlgand and the Pope both agree to attend. They appear together at an outdoor celebration, with thousands in attendance.
“Believe it or not”, the Queen says, “I can make every Protestant in this crowd break into wild cheering and applause with a simple hand gesture.”
“I don’t believe it”, the Pope responds.
So the Queen waves to the crowd, and, as she predicted, thousands of Protestants start cheering.
Then the Pope turns to the Queen and says, “believe it or not, I can make every Catholic in this crowd break it wild cheering and applause with a simple hand gesture.”
“I don’t believe it”, the Queen responds.
So the Pope slaps her.
Three nurses are killed, and end up at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first one, “So, what did you do to make the world a better place?” “I worked in a hospice, and just tried to be loving and understanding.” St. Peter says, “Oh! Come in, come in!” Then the second one comes up. “I worked in rehab, and made my best effort to keep upbeat.” St. Peter says, “Oh! Come in, come in!” Then the third one comes up. “I worked in an HMO. I did my best to make sure the patients didn’t get anything that wasn’t necessary, since our health care system is so overtaxed.” St Peter looks at his records, frowns, but finally gives in. “OK, OK, we’ll let you in. But you can only stay for two days.” [sub]Oh, and fill out all these forms, first.[/sub]
A farmer was married to the nastiest woman you could imagine. Never a good word would escape her lips. One day, she brought his lunch out to the fields where he had been plowing, and rather than let him eat in peace, she sat and delivered the most mean spirited diatribe one could imagine. Suddenly, the farmer’s mule reared up and kicked the woman in the head, killing her.
During services for the deceased, the Parson noticed that when ladies went to the Widower and spoke with him, he’d nod his head as if to say yes, yet when the menfolk addressed him, his head would always shake as if to say no.
Once all had paid their respects and left the Church, the Parson had to ask why the men and women behaved so. “The ladies all spoke about how nice my wife looked, what a fine cook she was, and I had to agree,” said the man, “and the fellas all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who know binary and those who don’t
As someone who understands the rules of binary, I find this simply hilarious. LMFAO.
You: What’s the difference between peanut butter?
(The other person usually says "the difference between peanut butter and what ??)
You: No, no, what’s the difference between peanut butter?
(They’ll get confused and say “I don’t know.”)
You: You’re reading into this too much! What’s the difference between peanut butter?
(They’ll probably be really confused, maybe mad and say “I don’t know!”)
You: Motorcycles don’t have doors.
(They won’t find it funny, but I do.)
Please don’t be offended by this one. Believe that I hold Hitler in the greatest contempt. I know people with their serial numbers tattooed on their arms (not that I would ever think to tell this joke to them).
A man walks into a bar and sits down, ordering a drink. He glances down the bar and he notices Hitler sitting there! He’s like “dude, it’s Hitler!”.
Intrigued, he moves on down next to Hitler and starts talking to him. He asks him, “Hitler, man! I thought you were dead!”
Hitler replies (read with Hitler accent and finger over upper lip), “No, I have been hiding out down here in South America for years!”
So the guy asks Hitler what he’s had going on lately. Hitler says, “Oh, I have this great new plan for world domination! Would you like to hear it?” The man nods, and Hitler continues, “Yes, my new plan is, I am going to kill 6 million Jews, and 6 clowns.”
The man, puzzled, says “I understand the Jews, but why 6 clowns?”
Hitler strikes his fist on the bar and yells, “I knew it!! Nobody cares about the Jews!”
Apparently there are many variations on this joke involving various genocidal characters and their genocidees.
Morty was invited to visit his friend. His friend, Hymie, welcomed him and when it was time for Morty to go home, Hymie urged him to stay for supper. Morty tried to refuse, but Hymie insisted and finally Morty stayed. After supper, Hymie insisted that Morty stay the night. The next morning as Morty was leaving, Hymie presented him with a bill for meals and lodging.
“What is this?” Morty asked. “You invited me to eat and stay and now you go and charge me for it?”
Hymie was firm that Morty needed to pay and finally the two agreed to see the Rabbi.
When the Rabbi heard both sides, he pondered for a moment. Then he turned to Morty and said:
“You must pay.”
The two men left and Morty grudgingly got out his billfold to pay Hymie. “He was shocked when Hymie refused.
“What?” Morty burst out. “You invite me up here, then insist I eat supper with you, then have me stay the night. Then you try to charge me for all of this and drag me to the Rabbi. The Rabbi says I must pay, only to have you refuse? What is going on?”
“Calm down,” Hymie urged. “I just wanted you to see what a dope we had for a Rabbi.”
A man walks into a bar and tells the people he can figure out what a dead person was like just by feeling that person’s skull. At first people laugh but he agrees to be blindfolded and to have some skulls brought in so he can prove his talent.
So he’s blindfolded and someone brings the skull of Stalin in. The guy feels it and says: “A devious and evil man who did anything to maintain power, no matter how cruel.”
Then they bring in the skull of Elvis. The man feels it. “A talented man whose music brought new meaning to people’s lives but whose own personal life was tragic,” he says.
“Wow, he’s brilliant,” the people say. Then they bring the skull of Geraldo Rivera in. The man feels it for a while. Minutes pass. He just keeps on feeling it. Finally the bar patrons yell, “What kind of a person is this? C’mon, say something!”
“It’s clearly an ass,” the man answers, “But for the life of me I can’t find the hole!”
A drunk is drinking in a hotel bar. He realizes he needs to pee, so he asks the bartender where the restroom is.
“Go down the hall and go through the first door on your right,” the bartender says. “Don’t go through the door on the left, that leads to the swimming pool.”
So the drunk goes down the hall and of course gets confused and goes through the door on the left and falls into the pool. He flounders about in the pool for a while and then he hears the door opening and someone approaching.
And he yells “Don’t flush!”
Q: What’s neurotic and lives on Mars?
A: Woody Alien
An old man goes to a sperm bank to offer a donation.
The receptionist tells him “Sorry, you’re too old” but the old guy insists.
“Give me your largest jar” he says “I’ll fill it to the top”
Eventually, the receptionist agrees.
So the old guy goes behind the curtain … the receptionist waits… and waits … and waits. Several hours go past.
Eventually, she goes to see whats wrong. She opens the curtain, and there she finds the old guy, red faced, out of breath.
“Its no good” he pants. "I can’t do it. I tried it with my left hand. I tried it with my right hand. I pulled it. I pushed it. I twisted it clockwise. I twisted it anticlockwise. I shook it. I turned it this way. I turned it that way. I even hit it against the wall a few times, but I just can’t do it…
I just can’t get this friggin jar open"
=======================
A priest is walking down the hallway of the high school and hears a noice from the bathroom. Upon investigation, he discovers a boy masturbating. “Son,” he tells the red-faced lad, “what you are doing is a sin against God and nature. You have to save yourself for the sanctity of marraige.” The boy promised that he would. Years later, the father was preparing to officiate at the wedding of the boy…now a man. The man walked up to the father and asked to speak to him. They found a private corner and the man said “Remember when you caught me in the bathroom, father?” The priest laughed and said “Yes, my son. I do.” “I took your advice about saving myself. But I have one question.” “Yes, what is it, my son?” “I have 68 jars of the stuff. What do I do with it?”
I don’t get it…
Blonde
A man walks in and sits down next to the bar. He gestures to the bartender and when the bartender came to him he pulls out a live octopus. the man says, “I’ll bet you a drink that this lad can play any instrument you have.”
The bartender was incredulous but wanted to see the octopus try. So he takes the poctopus to the piano and watches it. Sure enuf, the creature not only played the piano but played it beautifully so he pays the man a drink.
A customer saw this and took the same bet and pulled out a harmonica, thinking the thing had no lips to play with. The octopus played a haunting jailhouse melody and the man bought a drink for the octopus’ owner.
Patrons lined up and gave the octopus all sorts of instruments and the octopus just played them all and the man was near drunk when a scotsman arrived. Hearing about the bet, he challenged the octopus with a bagpipe.
The octopus slithered to the instrument, wrapped its tentacles on its pipes, sqeezed the bag, swayed back and forth but no sound came out. The octopus was all over the bag for several minutes and not a note was played. After a while the scotsman went to the owner to get his drink. The owner scoffed, “Relax. Once he’s thru fucking the thing, he’ll play it…”