What’s better than winning the Gold Medal at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
Four nuns found themselves in front of the pearly gates talking to Saint Peter. They were all in the same convent and Peter was satisfied that they all qualified to get in but he had one last question for each of them.
Peter, “You all took a vow of chastity…is there anything you would like to tell me now…?”
Sister Angelina, “well, I’m quite embarrased to say this but there was on time that I accidentally saw Father Matthew’s penis…”
Peter, “Thats alright, sister. Go over there to the Holy water font and wash your eyes and you may go in.”
Sister Bianca, " I too must confess that in a moment of weakness I actually touched a man’s penis…"
Peter, “tsk tsk …well its not really a mortal sin so, go over to the Holy Water Font and wash your hands and you may go in.”
Sister Viviana, “Saint Peter I …”
Sister Marianne, “Hold IT!!! Saint Peter! May I go first?”
Saint Peter was a bit flustered by the forceful request.
Peter, “ah ah I suppose you may but why?”
Sister Marianne, " Well I just wanted to gargle with the Holy water before Sister Viviana washes her ass with it…"
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.” Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes”, came the answer.
“May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, “no”. Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman”. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman”?
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman”, came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss replied, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper”, answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?”, asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper” Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there”? Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
“They’re looking for me.”
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best lay in town!”
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!”
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom liked it!”
Finally the guy interrupts. “Go home, Dad,… you’re drunk!”
A grasshopper goes into a bar.
Bartender: Hey, we’ve got a drink named after you!
Grasshopper: You’ve got a drink named “Bob”???
A lady holding a baby gets on a bus. She has to buy a ticket and pull out some change. The bus driver hands her the ticket and says, “lady, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen.”
Upset, the lady grabs the ticket and storms to the back of the bus, taking a seat next to a young man. Seeing that she is upset, the young man asks her what is wrong. “That bus driver just insulted me,” she says.
“Insulted you?,” asks the young man. “Why, he’s a public servant, he shouldn’t be insulting anyone. You should go back up there and give him a piece of your mind.”
“You’re right,” says the lady, “I’m going up there!”
“Good for you,” says the young man. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”
A nervous scientist was doing promicing work in immunology. He was working primarily with a chemical emmited by the brain of porpoises. now, as you may or may not know, porpoises are en endangered species and very very hard to hide, but the scientist continued on with is work.
One afternoon the Scientist gets a call from the airport. The shipment of birds,turns that the porpoises ate were in and they needed to be picked up. So he loaded himself into his pickup truck and went to the airport.
On his return trip, he was tooling along at a rather high speed when he saw a sleeping lion blocking his lane.Unfortunatly he didn’t have time to slow down or get around the lion and he head a soft ‘thump’ as he proceeded down the road.
Soon a police car came chacing the truck. The nervous little fellow pulled over and the cop approached. The turns in the back of the truck started making a racket and the cop bacame suspicious.
After a thoruough check of the circumstances, what do you think the scientist was charged with?
Crossing estate lion with underage gulls for illegal porpoises.
Oh,I’m sorry you said good joke.
A Priest, a Doctor, a Philanthropist and a graduate of The Ohio State university were headed for the first tee at Augusta, when they were passed up by a motly group of blindmen and dogs. The Priest asked what was going on when the blindmen started pullling out clubs and taking practice swings. One of the men replied. “We’re from a group of Firemen from New York City who were blinded in the events. This is our first vacation since getiing out of the hospital and we;re playing a round of golf.”
“Oh my, " said the Priest, “If you fellows are in need of any spiritual advice. please be assured the church is there for you.”
“Yes, Father. We know. Our local parrishes have benn very supppostive in the last few years.”
Then the doctor pipes up. 'Oh my, I know a terrific Opto-neurologist. If you want me to call him. I won’t mind.”
“No thank you Sir, we’ve seen the finest doctors in the United States. We already know there is nothing to be done about our condition.”
Then the philanthropist pipes up. “Surely it is difficult for you gentlemen to pay the bills? Havn’t you famlies to care for? If you need money for anything don’t hesitate to ask.”
“Well, Sir, I must be honest, as your offer has some merit. But it isn’t nessisary as the people of the united States have been veruy generous with we surviviors. The Fire Department has given us generous pensios and the beloved Mayer gave us wonderfull bonus’ that the interest allone pays our bills.”
Finaly, the Buckeye pipes up. “Why can’t you play at night?”
Oh, sorry. I don’t seem to know any funny jokes
Little Timmy is in Sunday school yet again and the teacher says “Hey, let’s all play a game. You think of an object and describe it and I’ll guess what it is!”
Then the teacher calls on Timmy and asks him what he’s thinking about. “Well, it’s long, it’s hard, and it’s red on one end,” Timmy says.
“Timmy! Shame on you!” the teacher yells.
“But I was thinking of a pencil!” Timmy protests.
So the teacher says “Oh well, in that case, it’s okay.” She turns to call on another kid but then Timmy raises his hand.
“Yes, Timmy,” she asks.
“Excuse me teacher,” Timmy answers, “But what were YOU thinking of?”
This is stupid but it’s kinda funny. Tell someone you have a knock knock joke but they have to start. They will say:
“Knock Knock”
You say: “Who’s there”
They will get a look of total confusion on their face. Hilarity ensues.
What do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too.
A blond woman gets pregnant, first thing she asked her doctor was 'Are you sure it’s mine?"
A doctor, a minister, and lawyer were friends with a wealthy industrialist. The industrialist, who was in poor health, summoned his three friends to his deathbed. He said, “My friends, I know they say you can’t take it with you but I certainly intend to try. Take these three briefcases. Each one is filled with $30,000 in cash. What I want you to do on the day of the funeral is to throw the money in my grave. You’re my closest friends so I trust you to do it.”
Inevitably, the industrialist shuffled off his mortal coil and the day of the funeral came. Each of the friends went to the grave to pay their respects as asked. After the burial, the three friends got together to talk about their friend. One of them, the minister, looked uncomfortable and the other two wanted to know what was wrong.
“I have to admit,” said the minister, “the church really needed repairs, and money was tight, so…I only threw $20,000 of the money in the grave.”
The doctor looked a little relieved and said, “Thank God, I wasn’t the only one. The clinic was desperately short of supplies, and I figured, well, it was for a good cause, so I only threw in $10,000.”
The lawyer shook his head with disgust. “I’m disappointed in you both!” he said. “I’ll have you both know I did the right thing and threw in a check for the full amount!”
–
The dictator was dying, so he summoned his most trusted lieutenant to his side. “I’ve decided,” the generalissimo said, his words measured and labored. “You will be the one to succeed me. You will have everything – control of the army, my vast fortune, my mansion, my fleet of boats and cars, all the fine art I’ve collected over the years. It will be all yours when I pass away.”
Tears were flowing down the lieutenant’s face. “Thank you!” he said. “Thank you so much! I can never repay you. Is there anything I can do for you…anything at all?”
With a great effort, the dictator propped himself up and said, “Yes! Take your foot off my oxygen tube!”
I have another one kindof like the difference between peanut butter:
What’s the difference between a banana?
It’s more yellow than long
And here’s sone more absurd jokes that only I find funny:
a guy is in his car at the red light, and it turns green and the guy behind him waits a bit, then honks and shouts “It’s green!”. The first driver looks back, but then stays there, so the 2nd guy shouts again “IT’S GREEN!!”, and again, nothing, so he honks again and says “IT’S GREEN!” and then, the first guy turns around “I don’t know…a frog?”
Two crazy people talking:
-Hey give me a number
-Red
-No! Friday is in America