What’s the difference between a jumbo jet and a lemon?
(extra returns to thwart mouse-over preview…)
A lemon can’t cross the Atlantic without refueling.
What’s the difference between an gardener and an actor?
One minds his peas, the other minds his cues.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too, if your bed were covered with lobsters.
A mommy tomato, a daddy tomato, and a baby tomato are crossing the street. The baby tomato starts to lag behind. The daddy tomato notices, and goes back to the baby tomato, squashes him, and says, “Catch up!”
What’s purple and hums?
An electric grape.
Why does it hum?
Because it doesn’t know the words.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila!
Wait, was that clean enough?
I’m worried about the bird flu. Ya know it’s a canarial disease. It’s untweetable and gives you chirpies.
A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse in the country.
One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said,
“Mmmmmm, I smell hotdogs!”
The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and said, “Mmmmm, I smell pancakes!”
The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn’t get passed the two bigger moles. Finally giving up, he said, “The only thing I can smell is molasses.”
YAY! I get to tell nun jokes!
How do you get rid of a nun’s hiccups?
Tell her she’s pregnant!
What is the definition of innocence?
A nun working in a condom factory thinking she’s making sleeping bags for mice.
What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A roaming Catholic.
Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says: “When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!” Sister Catherine’s eyes grow wide and she barks: “What did you say?” “A prostitute!” Sheila repeats. Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: “Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant”
This mushroom goes into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartenders says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.”
Mushroom asks, “Why not? I’m a fungi.”
This is one of my favorite jokes. Not sure how clean it is though.
Piece of String walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer, please!”
Bartender looks him over. “We don’t serve your kind here. Get out!”
Piece of String sadly slumps out.
An hour later:
Piece of String walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer, please!”
Bartender looks at him. “I already told you- we don’t serve your kind here. Get out!”
Piece of String, dejected, leaves.
An hour later, Piece of String has an idea. He tied himself up, tears the string at each end of himself, and walks back in. “I’d like a beer, please!”
Bartender looks at him. “Aren’t you that piece of string I already kicked out of here twice tonight!?!?!?”
Piece of String says “No, I’m a frayed knot!”
A man comes to his Rabbi for guidance.
“Rabbi” he says, “I don’t know what to do, my son has converted to Christianity!”
"You too! " the Rabbi exclaims, “My son, he too converted to Christianity. Let us talk to the Great Rebbe.”
They both go to see the Rebbe (old and wise Rabbi).
“Rebbe” They say, “our sons converted to Christianity, what shall we do?”
“You too!” The Rebbe exclaims, “My son, he too converted to Chritianity. We must pray to G-d for wisdom.”
“O King of the Universe” The men prayed. “Our sons, they converted to Christianity!”
And G-d replied, “You too!”… ;j
My dad’s favorite joke, and his only funny one. (We are Jewish BTW)
We need knock knock jokes!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s There?
Centipede!
Centipede Who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s There?
Moo!
Moo Who?
Make up your mind, are you a cow or an owl!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s There?
Hutch!
Hutch Who?
Bless You!
What does a dog do in the yard that you wouldn’t want to step in?
Dig a hole.
What is it that a man can do standing up, and a woman can do sitting down?
Shake hands.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick!
What’s green and brown, and if it falls out of a tree, it can kill you?
A pool table!
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
You 'neak up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way!
What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper!
God help me, I laughed at this one.
One October day, my daughter came home from 3rd grade w/ this one. I don’t think that she had any idea what it meant, just that it made people laugh. My wife tried to look shocked, but it only last about three seconds before she had to laugh.
Why don’t witches have babies?
Because their husbands have halloweenies!
A couple of my favorites from the L.A. Times kids pages:
What word has three syllables but only one letter?
envelope
Why is the sky so high?
So that birds won’t bump their heads!
Not from the L.A.Times, but a classic:
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
Walk it, and pitch the giraffe into a double play!
How come anteaters never get sick?
Cuz they’re full of little antybodies!